Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

[exposing Russ] And that healthy food, that I'm paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew.

[in disbelief] Oh, no.

Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement.

... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you?

No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't!

He knows every move that's made.

Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious.

When did you start calling him Russ?

Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop!

It's not slop, it's Science Diet and it's very expensive, young man!

Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.

Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.

[singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.

I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.

… I found something a lot more interesting!

Joel

Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!

Only mounted. [N]

But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First--

We're small. We can run fast.

Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.

And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait -- that's the scorpion's good point.

Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…

Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.

Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.

[as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop!

Servo

[as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia!

Joel

[adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609.

Hey, look; Peter Graves!

Servo

Who's buried in Peter's grave?

Joel

James Arness!

Servo

[as Cody beats up Retik] That's for Bryant Gumbel; that's for Gene Shalit; and that's for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb!

Those are all Bob Mackie creations, aren't they?

Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now!

Servo

[as Cameron] Now Bingo is his name-oh!

[of wolf-man Petro] Now he's his own best friend!

[to Prof. Fitzgerald] I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men.

[as Cameron] ...And their hair.

Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence!

Joel

[sarcastically] Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there.

Servo

You like long walks in the rain?

Chinese food?

Servo

Mushing up your ice cream?

Joel

[in bemusement] My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off.

[while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays] Why does the Earth have a shadow?

Servo

Why are there clouds in space?

Why are we watching this?

Servo

Daddy, what's Vietnam?

[demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists] Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?!

I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency.

[as Krog] All the hardware stores are closed!

Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that?

Joel

Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack.

Oh.

My name is Dr. Foster.

I'm Patricia Hunter.

Joel

I'm Joel.

Servo

I'm Servo.

I'm Crow!

I'm a news reporter.

Servo

I'm a robot.

Joel

I'm a human being.