Rudy One quotes from Misfits

[Scouts in the community center] Whoa! Scouts, dude! Yes! You're Scouts! These were the happiest, and proudest days of my life. Look at them!

Jess

You were in the Scouts? That should never have been allowed.

I swore. I swore a solemn oath to, you know obey the Scout Law, to to do me best, to do my duty to God and her lovely majestic majesty, the Queen. I lived by a code like a Samurai warrior.

Finn

Yeah, that's you all over.

And then they cast me out.

Abbey

And why were you cast out?

I don't want to talk about it. I will say this. A Scout is meant to walk an impossible line between his love of scouting and his raging hormones in the first flushes of sexual adventure. [A uniformed girl scout walks by] There are girls! You're a girl? Oh, shit! That is an unnatural abomination. That is not how Baden Powell intended it. Take that uniform off, you look like a dick! Shit. [Looks down] Is he still staring? He's really staring.

Jess

He's gone.

Look at 'em. Scouts... Scouts is a time for boys to be boys. You know, the... the first time I masturbated. Scouts. The first time I ever saw another boy's penis. Scouts. First time I touched another boy's penis. Scouts. First time another boy touched my penis.

Jess

Scouts?

It was in Scouts! It was in Scou... happy, sunlit days is what they were. [Referring to a female scout] Oh, my God. Look at this tramp.

[Jess is pulling out and Rudy slams against passenger side] Stop! [Points to lock] You gonna do that? [Walks to vehicle rear] Fucks sake. [Opens trunk door] Ah. Buzzing. [Climbs in] Listen, what are you doing? Ooh. What you doing right now? [Climbs into front seat]

Jess

I'm going for a facial.

I'll give you a facial.

Jess

Excuse me?

[Laughs] Sorry. I disgust myself when I'm nervous. Fuck, it's small in here. What I meant to say was, would you mind giving me a lift to my dad's harlot's flat, please?

Jess

Why can't Finn do it?

Because Finn doesn't have any respect for the institution of marriage, it would appear. And he doesn't have a car. So... wagons roll!

[Checks hair in sun visor mirror] Right. How's that?

Jess

You're not going on a date with her.

Well, actually, yes, she is going on a date. She's going on a date with destiny. No one fucks with my family. No one fucks members of my family. Apart from other members of my family.

Jess

[Sees him walking] Your dad's here.

[Leaps into back seat] Shit! Right, start the engine! This was a terrible idea! You never should have made me come here. You're a fool!

Jess

This is a perfect opportunity for you to talk to both of them without your mum being around. You should confront him.

Will you come with me, please?

Jess

No.

Oh, well, what a selfish cunt.

Jess

Really?

No. Not at all. I can't do this. I can't do it on my own. I'm not... I'm not mature enough. You know what? I might have a big, lush pubic bush, but that does not maketh me a man. I'm a child. I'm masquerading in a man's body back here.

Jess

All right. Just stop talking about your lush pubic bush. I'll come with you.

I use a volumising conditioner, in case you're wondering.

[Jess rings doorbell] No, no! What are you doing?! I'm mentally preparing myself, you fool!

[Opens door] What?

Bonjour. I am French and I am selling... la cheese.

You're selling cheese?

No, it is, um... how would you say? La fromage avec le milk... of la monkey francais.

Fuck off. [Closes door] Shit.

Jess

You're selling... monkey cheese?

So, no, no, no. I fucking panicked, didn't I? It was the first thing that sprung to mind. Shit!

Jess

Monkey cheese?

Well, you think of summat, then!

Jess

Double glazing.

Oh, well, really?! Really? That's original, isn't it? She already has it. She has double glazing. So, that's no sale.

Jess

[Reaches for doorbell] D'you want to try again?

No, I don't! Don't! Try again?! Christ! I can't tell her I'm not a French monkey-cheese salesman! I'm gonna look fucking ridiculous, aren't I? Right, and we wouldn't want that, would we? I'm not that guy, am I?

Jess

What guy? A French monkey-cheese salesman?

No, not a frigging French monkey-cheese.

Jess

The guy who does good noble shit and saves his... saves his parents' marriage. Well, you... you might be that guy. Maybe you just need a bit of practice. [They hear Tina within apartment]

I can't do this any more! [They look in front door but cannot see her so they do round back, peering in back door from a fence]

[Abusing Tina] I told you. I told you what I'd do if you ever tried to leave me.

Geoff, please, don't!

I will find you and I will hurt you.

Please!

Why do you do this? You make me like this. You're playing games with me. You think you can play games? Try it. Clean yourself up. You're fucking disgusting.

Jess

Are you all right?

No, I'm not. I'm very fucking far from being all right.

Jess

What are you going to do?

I'm going to go round my parents' house... and as soon as my dad answers the door, I'm going to punch him in his shitty little face. That's what I'm gonna do. Fuck!

[Knocks on parent's door and lunges with fist as mother answers] Fuck you!

Pat

[Reacts in terror] Ah!

[Rudy jumps back] Oh! Mum!

Pat

What the hell are you doing?!

Oh. [Chuckles] Classic. Your face, then. Ah.

Pat

You scared the shit out of me.

Hilarious.

Pat

[Walking in hallway] I thought you'd gone mental again.

What do you mean, mental again?

Pat

I thought you were at work.

[Leading Rudy to kitchen] Yeah, I've got the day off. Fancied doing the garden.

Pat

Here he is.

Geoff

[Cutting up a banana in kitchen] All right, son?

All right, Dad?

Geoff

How's the rowing? I thought you were in Spain, at that training camp?

Yes, I was in Spain at the training camp. Do you know what, though? They said there was nothing more they could teach me, so I just rowed home.

Geoff

Oh, right.

Pat

From Spain?

No, bloody hell, don't be ridiculous. Like, I dunno, two thirds of the way.

Geoff

Do you want to stay for tea, son?

I'm not hungry. So, how are you, Dad?

Geoff

Oh, you know, keeping busy.

Oh, busy? Been busy? Busy doing what, exactly? What exactly are you busy doing, Dad?

Geoff

Are you all right?

Dad, I'm all right. I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. The question is, really, are you? Are you all right, Dad?

Geoff

Yeah. Are you? I'm fine, aye.

Pat

Rudy, what is it?

There's something I have to tell you, Mum, and it's killing me, all right?

Geoff

What is it, son?

I'm sorry. Oh, fuck off! You know! Don't make me say it, when you know!

Geoff

[Waves knife at Rudy] You're gay, aren't you?

Oh, my God.

Pat

It's okay. We've always suspected it.

Well, I'm not gay, so...

Pat

Well, there was all that trouble with the Boy Scouts.

Fucking hell! That was an experimental stage, weren't it? No one judged Isaac Newton when he were friggin' wanking on apples, did they? [Picks up an apple]

Pat

Yeah, well, apples aren't the same as 12-year-old boys.

Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum. And maybe that's why you never discovered the fucking... the laws of gravity.

Geoff

Well, you know, you never had a girlfriend, so we assumed...

That I was a big gay. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've had loads of birds. I'm disgusting, I'll do anything. I've... I've got a reputation as a total slag. Mum, I am quite the slut.

Pat

How come we've not met any of them, then?

Because, I am, erm... fuck it! I'm embarrassed of you both! Look at you both! Look at you right now! You are an embarrassment! I'm ashamed! Deep shame for the pair of you! [Takes and eats a banana piece]

Pat

Oh, thanks for those kind words. [They both laugh]

Fuck.

Pat

It's okay. We love you, just how you are. Look at you. You're so handsome. [Rubs back of Rudy's head] Get your good looks from his dad, doesn't he?

Geoff

Oh, you smooth talker, you.

[Eating dinner in dining room] Could I have some more mint sauce, please, Mum?

Pat

Haven't you got enough?

Well, you can never have enough mint sauce, really, can you, with lamb? Cheers... thanks, Mum. Cheers. [Pat leaves] What the frigging hell are you doing here?

Me and your dad had an agreement. We agreed to stay away from each other. And then someone who looks like me walks into the bank and clears my bank account. He broke the agreement. And now I'm breaking it, too.

What fucking agreem...? [Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Do you know... do you know what I'd really like with this, right now? It's gonna freak you out. Horseradish sauce.

Pat

What, with lamb?

I know! Please. Yes, please. It'd be awesome, cheers. It'd be nice, it'd be just... just... that's all. I'm just thinking, just to take the edge off the mint. You know what I mean? Cheers, Mum.

Pat

Okay.

Oh. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] Get out now, dickhead. I'm not going anywhere. Fuck. I'm very comfortable in the bosom of my family.

It isn't your family! Get the fuck out of my bosom, dickhead.

[Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Ooh, give me that, give me that. Mm. Oh, yeah.

Pat

Mustard? You won't be able to taste your food.

Yeah, well, good! 'Cause it's disgusting! It disgusts me!

Pat

Rudy? Don't be so rude.

Please, can I just have a little bit of mustard, please? Sorry, Mum. Cheers, Mum. Thank you. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] You have got exactly three seconds to get out of this house, or I swear to God I will not be held responsible for my actions, boyo. One. Fucking two. Two and... and a half. Two and three quarters. Three. Dick. Don't you fucking touch my mum. Seriously. Don't you fucking touch my mum.

Oh, I'm gonna touch her. I am gonna fuck her brains out. And then I'm gonna take that pathetic excuse for a man she calls a husband and I'm gonna cave his fucking skull in.

My dad? What have you done with my dad?

I am your dad. If you say anything to your mum, I'll hurt her. I'll really hurt her.

Alex

[In abandoned market stalls] Would you stop sniffing that scarf?

Abbey

There's something about the smell of her. I keep asking girls in the bar if it's theirs, and none of them are her. She's like Cinderella.

Alex

This Cinderella, did you shag her?

Abbey

What? No.

Alex

Cinderella, like in the fairy tale. Pumpkin. Fairy godmother. She had a glass slipper.

[Hits her vehicle with purse] Fucking start, you piece of shit!

No, wait, it's you!

You're the monkey-cheese guy! Why are you looking at me like that?

Because you know my dad, don't you?

[Sitting on bench] He split in two? There's two of him?

You got the shitty end of the stick, mate. Well, the shitty end of the dad.

Finn

Monkey cheese? ls... is that even a thing?

Monkeys give milk to their young. So, I guess you could make cheese out of it.

Geoff

I'm going fishing on Sunday. Why don't you come round and keep your mum company? I'm sure she'll cook you a roast.

Yeah?

Geoff

Bring someone. A girlfriend. A boyfriend.

What d'you mean? No. For fuck's sake, I'm not gay, Dad!

Geoff

You might be.

[At urinal] Can you smell that, man? That smells like a brand-new day, that does.

It smells disgusting. What have you been eating?

It smells like Dad, our dad, our real dad, isn't a murderous woman-beater. It smells like he uses his fists for better things. Things like, erm... I can't really think of anything good a fist is used for.

There is that certain section of the, er... lesbian community that seem to enjoy it.

You got to admire their fortitude, really, haven't you? Full fist. Oh, mate, it smells like possibilities. It smells like one of Mum's roast dinners.

Lamb or beef?

I'm gonna go with lamb. Baa!

Geoff

She's lovely.

Yeah, she is. She's very lovely indeed, actually. She's...

Geoff

Are you in love with her?

Whoa! No, shut up, Dad. No, I'm not in love with her. Listen to me, seriously. Jess is only here pretending to be my girlfriend so that you and Mum don't think I'm a gaylord.

Geoff

Oh, right. Whatever you say. Huh.

Knob.

Abbey

[In locker room] All this time, I've been searching for something - a connection. All those random guys... and cocks and all they did was make me feel even more empty inside. But with Laura, it's different. She... makes me feel complete.

Jess

So, that's the big mystery solved, then. You're a lesbian.

Abbey

Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a lesbian.

[Points at her] Well done! [Abbey salutes Rudy]

Jess

What's up with you?

Finn

I think the probation worker fancies me.

Oh, for God's sake, Finn, you monkey-faced prick, does he heck!

Finn

I'm serious. I... I think he's in love with me. You should see the way he looks at me with his... with his hungry eyes.

Alex

Was he looking at you like this? 'Cause this is me thinking that you're a little twat.

Finn

Am I? Well, he gave me a finger of his KitKat.

Oh, dear God!

Finn

Just snapped it off.

Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book, you douche.

Finn

You don't underst...

Come on. Really? You just... You take the finger of the KitKat, you insert it up your anus, you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that's good times. It was a more innocent time, I'll have you know, when children were allowed to be bloody children. Thank you very much, judgy.

Finn

I smelt it. And either the probation worker's arse smells of chocolate, or... it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.

Alex

So what did you do with it?

Finn

Ate it.

Alex

Oh, God!

Fuck me!

Greg

[Appears in locker room] Hi.

Finn

Have you been drinking? Is that allowed?

Greg

It's the magic hour. I am no longer your probation worker. You are no longer on community service. [Walks to Finn with him walking backwards] We're just two people. With hopes. And dreams. [Starts singing The Power of Love (Frankie Goes to Hollywood song)]

Finn

[Greg following him in hallway] You've got it all wrong. I look gay. But I'm not.

Greg

Some would say dangerously boyish.

Finn

We are not lovers! There is no entwined, divine, divine!

Greg

[Follows Finn up stairs] Love is losing your job and your pension. Think. Think about that. [Pops open a shirt button]

Finn

What?

Greg

[Backs Finn against a wall] I am so full of love. I won't hide it any more. I can't. It's seeping out of me. [Leans into Finn] Out of my pores. It's... it's beautiful. It's pure. Smell my love.

Finn

Fuck off! [Uses power to send Greg flying over railing of upper floor in atrium, looks over] Are you okay? [Calls phone] Jess? It's me. I'm at the Community Centre. And there's a situation. So we're gonna need your car to move the situation. Call me.

[Walks in with Alex outstretched hand to Greg's body] What the...?! Finlay, what the fuck?! What've you done?! [Outstretches hands in dismay]

Finn

Nothing.

Alex

Did you kill the probation worker?!

Finn

No. And yes. It was self-defence. I told you he fancied me, but did yous listen? No! [Points] This is all on you!

What?!

Alex

No, it isn't!

Finn

Some of it's on you!

Alex

Not really.

Finn

A little bit!

Alex

No.

Alex

[Preparing to bury Greg whose body is in a wheelchair] Do you want to say a few words?

Finn

Er... thanks for the memories. [Dumps Greg's body into hole who groans awake with Rudy whacking Greg with shovel and falling back onto dirt heap] What are you doing?!

I'm fucking panicking, aren't I, Finn?!

Alex

Jesus! So you didn't check for a pulse, then?!

Finn

I'm not a doctor!

Dude, get in the fucking hole and check for a pulse!

Finn

[Jumps into hole then calls phone] Jess? I found the situation.

Jess

Where are you?

Finn

I'm sitting on the situation.

Jess

What situation are you talking about?

Finn

The probation worker situation.

Jess

The Abby situation. What's the probation worker situation?

Finn

He tried to fuck me. So I accidentally killed him. At least, I thought I'd killed him, but then Rudy hit him with a spade, so now... he might actually be dead. [Greg groans awake] No, he isn't! He's alive! He's alive again! What's the Abby situation?

Jess

She's taken an overdose.

Finn

Well, is she okay?

Jess

She's alive.

Finn

Right, good. Well, that's a start. Er...

Jess

You take care of that situation and we'll take care of this situation.

Finn

Okay, good, yeah. Yeah.

Jess

Er... Bye!

Finn

Bye. [Hangs up]

Jess

[Brings up Abbey] Okay. [Pokes Abbey's mouth who vomits]