Rudy Two quotes from Misfits

[Walks onto tower block rooftop and sees Rudy 2 at edge] Oh... what the fuck... do you think you're doing?

You think you can get rid of me? I'm a part of you.

Cool power guy with the suits, he could've sorted all this bullshit out, but, oh no, you had to make a big drama, didn't you?

I'm not gonna let you bury me. I'm staying right here.

Oh, you're such a whiny little bitch!

You hate me, you hate yourself.

Nobody loves themselves more than I do. I'd fuck myself in a heartbeat, wouldn't I?

So we're back to the whole, "I'm gay", thing there, really, aren't we?

What you bringing that up for? I'm not gay.

D'you remember that time in PE, when you were in the showers and you got turned on watching Richard Saunders soaping his balls?

Oh, it's pathetic! It's sad.

You thought about it when you were screwing the fake vagina you made out of Mum's rubber gloves.

[Fighting clone] Ah...! Out of order, out of order.

You trying to fuck me?

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

I am you!

You're nothing to do with me! [They fall over edge merely landing on a lower rooftop]

Rudy! [Groans] That could've gone horribly wrong, that. You could have killed us.

Shut up whining.

You've just had unprotected anal sex with that girl.

I most certainly did. And she loved it.

What if she's got HIV?

Cute girls don't get HIV.

You need to take her to the clinic, you need to get her to have some tests, get her a full work-up.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. D'you know how rare it is to find a girl who genuinely, honest to God, absolutely loves it up the arse?

She totally knocked you back.

She's playing hard to get, mate.

She's out of your league. She's laughing her arse off at you. You can't go back in there. You gonna have to... Oh, climb through the window! Just go. C'mon.

No! You'd love that, wouldn't you? Why don't I just go home and spend the rest of the night torturing myself about things I did when I was like 14?

D'you mean the thing with the neighbor's cat?

No! We do not talk about that! Right?

Where are you going?

Just fuck the fuck off.

How've you got in here?

Broke a window.

[Tuts] D'you know, this isn't working out for either of us. I think we should stay split.

Per... permanently?

Why not? You've had your moment in the sun. You've got it all off your chest. Consider me humiliated. You're your own man now. We can go our separate ways, separate lives. We don't have to see each other ever again. What d'you say? Maybe you could move to Wales,

I've no fucking intention of going there! So you can walk around like you're happy all the time?

It works for me. I don't need you turning up every time I feel down, reminding me of everything that makes me feel shit about meself.

Yeah, but it's a part of who you are.

No. It's a part of who you are. Mate, all this fighting, arguing, nobody wants to get stabbed in the shoulder with a pair of scissors. It's not cool, and it hurts. C'mon, man, let's just stay split. I'm gonna take your moody silence as a "yes".

Try not to break another window on your way out.

Jesus!

Shaun

[Seeing Rudy and Rudy Two] Who the fuck is this?

It's my auntie. Who do you think he is?

Shaun

What, you've got a twin brother?

Nowt's getting past you, is it, today? Check out the big brains on the probation worker here.

Shaun

Why's her wearing a jumpsuit?

Because... sometimes I do my community service, sometimes he does it. We like to mix things up.

It keeps it interesting.

Shaun

This isn't a job share. Whoever does the crime, does the boring, mindless shit.

I have a question, right? What if we we're conjoined twins, yeah, with our heads? They're all mashed together, and we go out in the town, for a few beers, some bloke sees us and he's like, "Oi! You two-headed fuck!" He flips out, goes mental and batters the guy. Who does the community service then? Because they, they are conjoined with one massive head but with two personalities.

Shaun

Well, we'll come to that bridge when we come to it.

All right.

Shaun

I'm going to pretend like I never saw this, because I really can't be arsed. Just make sure one of you turns up. [Leaves]

Curtis

[In disbelief] Oh man. That's insane.

The old conjoined twins mind fuck works every time. Doesn't it?

Oh, they're... they're gonna... they're gonna find us!

No! They're not gonna find us, cause I have a plan. We're gonna go to Mum and Dad's.

What?!

They're our parents! They're legally obliged to hide us!

Oh, yes, because I am sure they are dying to get involved. Last time Dad seen you, he called you a "little cunt"!

They fucking love me, man.

Do they?

Yes. They worship me. In fact, sometimes, I think Mum loves me er... too much!

This is such bullshit.

[About anger management counselor] She's onto you. I think she knows.

She doesn't know anything.

She knows you're a bedwetter.

I'm not a bedwetter! I haven't done that in years.

Haven't you?

Now, listen, that was one time. And I was drunk. Right? And everybody does that anyway, so it's different.

We should go back in. She's making some good points, man.

No, I'm not having you in here. [points to his chest] You're popping out every time she gets personal. You can wait for me outside.

[Rudy walks into washroom] W... Where have you been?

Nowhere.

What's that?

It's nothing.

What is that? Is that a love? Ugh! It's a love bite! What are you, a 12-year-old girl? [Laughs] You are fucking Kelly! I knew it.

It's not Kelly. It's Clare.

The therapist?!

Yeah.

Hang on, that explains a few things, does that...

What do you mean? Your fuck-buddy has just wanked me off.

What?!

Yeah, I know! She just whipped it out, she starts plugging away on it like she were trying to break it.

Right, and why didn't you stop her?

Why would I do that? Eh? God, she's intense, though, man.

Did she do all that crying straight after? I mean, like, crying immediately afterwards. I can't... I can't believe this. I've just shot me load, she starts getting all heavy, like, "I shouldn't be doing this, I am a total mess." [Mimics sobbing]

At one point, I was honestly considering just shoving me cock into her mouth just to shut her up, mate.

Oi! Now you stop it! You don't talk about my girlfriend like that. [Laughs] No... No! You're not... you're not going out with her, man.

Well, she's better than some of the skanky horrible sluts you end up with. She's old and she's a... psychopath and she cries after she's wanked people off. She cries because she cares. Unlike you.

No, you... Listen. You don't get to choose. I choose. And that's how this thing works, right? Now, you get back in here, because I am not having people thinking I'm fucking a 40-year-old woman.

No. I love her. And I don't care what you think.

Don't you walk out this room.

So he's got to go back in time, he's got to fall in love with Alisha... then she dies, and they're gonna be stuck doing it over and over again, for all eternity?

Kelly

I think it's dead romantic.

Is it, though?! I mean, what are we supposed to feel; happy or sad?

Curtis

It's a bit of both.

Right.

So... [sobs and laughs simulataneously] I'm not very good with your mixed emotions. I'm just going with happy.

We're never gonna see them again, are we?

What's the matter with you?

You really know how to bring a man down, don't you, eh?

Curtis

So, what do we do now?

Kelly

Keep our heads down, finish community service and live happily ever after.

Yeah, well, I love a happy ending.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I believe I am, yeah. He is keeping a talking dog prisoner.

You sick psycho! It wasn't a talking dog! Dude, it was his girlfriend. He's had her tied up. You've had her pooing in a bucket!

Yes, and with very good reason. She has been abusing him, she's been pussy-whipping the hell out of him, man.

What?

Finn

Where is she?

She was having trouble walking. Her legs weren't working properly. They've gone all wobbly,you've had her tied down for so long. I rang her a taxi and, er... well, she's gone, man.

I'll go and stick the kettle on.

What are you playing at, man? You're messing this up.

What, no, I'm not, dude. I'm trying... I'm trying.

You're not, you're being weird. What's all this? [Mockingly displays a-okay sign]

You know, honestly, I like this one. She's amazing.

Whoa, hey, whoa. What do you mean? What do you... What you on about, you fancy her or summat?

Yeah, think I do, yeah. Right, well, she's mine, so back off. You keep your friggin' mitts off her, pal. Why don't you get it? This is the one girl we can both agree on. We could both be happy here.

This is why you can't afford to fuck this up.

Shit, man, help me out. I'm getting all nervous around her and...

Be straight with her, yeah? And no bullshit. You know, just for once in your life, you need to talk to her like she's a human being instead of a piece of meat.

[At urinal, repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace. [To Rudy Two] Oi! Should be helping me out with some of these, you. Some of these Hail Marys are yours.

Why? Why would I need to repent for your sins?

Because, dude, you're a twat! You're a miserable twat, and that's the most terrible sin.

Do you know, honestly... do you honestly believe that God's gonna let you have a relationship with Nadine because you've said 50,000 Hail Marys?

The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.

He said you were gonna burn in hell.

Yeah, and I chose to ignore that. I'll tell you something right now, fella. Would it kill you to have a little bit of friggin' Christian compassion? You fucking dick! You know, I I- I cannot get her out of me mind. It's like the friggin' birds are singing her name in the trees.

Nadine!

All right!

Nadine!

That's enough! Fuck, it's torture! Come on, let's just do it. Let's get it out the way. Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.

Oh, ridiculous. [Repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace.

Nadine

Rudy. Rudy?

Hail Marying worked. There is a friggin' God. See it up top there. [Holds up hand for high five with Rudy Two ignores]

Just... whatever. How's me hair? Is it all right? [Rudy Two reaches out which Rudy One swipes down] Just get off... No, get off, it's fine. Get in here, come on. She doesn't need to see this freak show. Come on.

No, I thought you were gonna be honest with her.

Define "honest".

Telling the truth.

Ohh... D'you know what? Some people might find your naivety really charming, but I don't. I do not, not at all. Get in! [They morph singularly]

[At urinal] Can you smell that, man? That smells like a brand-new day, that does.

It smells disgusting. What have you been eating?

It smells like Dad, our dad, our real dad, isn't a murderous woman-beater. It smells like he uses his fists for better things. Things like, erm... I can't really think of anything good a fist is used for.

There is that certain section of the, er... lesbian community that seem to enjoy it.

You got to admire their fortitude, really, haven't you? Full fist. Oh, mate, it smells like possibilities. It smells like one of Mum's roast dinners.

Lamb or beef?

I'm gonna go with lamb. Baa!

[On toilet with original next stall] What? So you find out she's imaginary and you squeeze her breast?

Look, it just seemed like the only logical thing to do given the circumstances. I'm a creature of instinct, aren't I?

What? So if in doubt, squeeze breast. Abby is confused and upset. And what's Jess supposed to think? Dude, you're touching up girls right in front of her.

Shut up! Why would I? Why would I care what Jess thinks? 'Cause I fucking... I don't. I do not care, not even a little bit, so just... shush!

Why can't you just admit you like her?

For the love of God, can a ridiculously handsome man not do anything in peace? Eh?