RORudy One
[At urinal, repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace. [To Rudy Two] Oi! Should be helping me out with some of these, you. Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
Why? Why would I need to repent for your sins?
RORudy One
Because, dude, you're a twat! You're a miserable twat, and that's the most terrible sin.
Do you know, honestly... do you honestly believe that God's gonna let you have a relationship with Nadine because you've said 50,000 Hail Marys?
RORudy One
The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.
He said you were gonna burn in hell.
RORudy One
Yeah, and I chose to ignore that. I'll tell you something right now, fella. Would it kill you to have a little bit of friggin' Christian compassion? You fucking dick! You know, I I- I cannot get her out of me mind. It's like the friggin' birds are singing her name in the trees.
RORudy One
That's enough! Fuck, it's torture! Come on, let's just do it. Let's get it out the way. Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Oh, ridiculous. [Repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Marying worked. There is a friggin' God. See it up top there. [Holds up hand for high five with Rudy Two ignores]
RORudy One
Just... whatever. How's me hair? Is it all right? [Rudy Two reaches out which Rudy One swipes down] Just get off... No, get off, it's fine. Get in here, come on. She doesn't need to see this freak show. Come on.
No, I thought you were gonna be honest with her.
RORudy One
Define "honest".
RORudy One
Ohh... D'you know what? Some people might find your naivety really charming, but I don't. I do not, not at all. Get in! [They morph singularly]
Do you wanna hear a joke?
What's black and white and red all over? [Pause] Nun in a blender. [They laugh]
RORudy One
Erm, all right. All right, what's black and white, black and white, and then red?
RORudy One
Hey! Respect, mate! You know your nun jokes!
All right, what black and white and smells musty? A nun's cunt! Ahh. Shit.
RORudy One
Aw, it doesn't matter. It's nothing. I'm... It's... nothing's... nothing's musty.
RORudy One
Urn... Probably... underuse... or just a lack of air circulation... resulting in... general mustiness.Forgive me, Father, I have... Love, I have sinned.
I'm not a priest, I can't hear your confession.
RORudy One
No, you... you don't understand. I... I've-I've... I've done terrible, horrible, vile things. I have had sexual relations with women up the... what do your nuns called the arse?
The a... up the anus! Rudy.
RORudy One
I have had a... a diet of crisps and sugary snacks.
I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
RORudy One
No, you don't understand. I have... I have inserted sugary snacks into women.
RORudy One
I have misused confectionery in the most vile and vulgar manner. I have violated myself with a fucking king-size... [Nadine grabs him in passionate kissing] Mars bar. I don't care. I don't care what you've done in your past. You've got a good heart. I promised myself to God. I was prepared to dedicate my life to him. I see things. Violence and cruelty and suffering. Sometimes I question his existence. Then I met you. I've never felt like this.
Doubted my faith even more.
RORudy One
I'm not... I'm not asking you to give up your faith or anything. I'll share you with God. He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he?
He does like his Sundays.
RORudy One
Right, well, then he can have you Sundays, I'll have you rest of week. How's that sound? How's that sitting with you, big fella?
I think he's cool with it.
RORudy One
That's settled, then. Forgive me, I'm gonna have to nip to the... What do... nuns call the toilet?
You can talk how you normally talk.
RORudy One
Well... in that case, I'm gonna go for an enormous fucking shit.
RORudy One
All right, no, fair enough. I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now, you know.
RORudy One
[Finn enters room after Nadine been kidnapped by her convent sister nuns] Have you seen my nun?
Please tell me you didn't?
RORudy One
You did, didn't you?
RORudy One
No, no, I didn't do that, because I'm a friggin' sheep, and she's fucking ran off again, hasn't she? Honestly, man, I am not sure how much more of this my fragile heart can take. Honestly... [Points and looks up] Have you done this?! You've... You've done this! You've... You've built up my dreams and y- y- you've crushed 'em! You're not a shepherd! You're a friggin' penis, sir!
You can't call God a penis!
RORudy One
Oh. Shit, fucking! [Smashes TV set with a baseball bat]
RORudy One
Well, we're just gonna have to put it down to an act of God, Finlay! Shit! God, what a bell-end!
RORudy One
[In locker room] Oh... D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember. All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest with you, with all the soft hair, silky vaginas. [Chuckles] I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death. I've bailed mid-fuck.
You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
RORudy One
Yeah. Point being...
RORudy One
Yeah, there's a... Yes, there's a point. And the point is, and this is fucking heart-breaking, there are shitters and there are people that get shat on. I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me. You know, me heart's in little pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
RORudy One
Ohhh! Will you shut up?! [Finn walks away] And stop... Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not. Fuck's sake! Shut up!
You've gotta fight for her.
[Scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?"
I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it. I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex. It's a shame.
Really? [Softly] Is that true?
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
RORudy One
No, no, no. You're right. You are both right and you're friggin' strange. [Claps hand, points up and runs away, turning to them] You have to fight for the nun you love... That's what's happening. [Leaves door] Whoa!
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
RORudy One
I've just... I'm... I'm- I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?
RORudy One
No, I'd crawl, man. I'd... dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, really, I would. [Sighs]
[Puts both hands on Rudy's shoulders] Hey. That's what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit. Naked? [Slides hands down off Rudy's arms] I should know. I was in love once. Didn't say anything, I was too scared. Lost them for ever. That's... That's a shame, man. Feel your pain, man. That's horrid. You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, [Slams hands past Rudy on door menacingly] OR SO HELP ME GOD, OR I WILL FUCK YOU TO KINGDOM COME!
RORudy One
Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this. [Clears throat starts inching along] Cor... Ohh... Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg. [Runs away]
RORudy One
[At door of Nadine's convent] Um... Please, let me see her. I just wanna talk to her.
She doesn't want to see you.
RORudy One
I wanna talk to her. I just wanna see her, that's all.
You have to go. Go. [Attempts to close door with Rudy's foot obstructing]
RORudy One
Nadine! That is my foot! You're being a really mean nun. You are a very mean nun. You... are a dick! Fucking nasty bastards! Shit! Oh, fuck. [Sees Nadine in a glass sunroom and runs to her] Nadine! [Two nuns manhandle her away] No, no...! Oi! No, no! Where are you taking her?! Fucking nuns are full of shit! Nadine, I'm coming for you. Nadine! You can't stop us being together, you know. I'm gonna c... Fuck.
RORudy One
[On rooftop] They're evil bitch nuns, is what they are. Eh? They're holding Nadine hostage because they're jealous of our love. It's like, if they can't have Rudy, no-one can. Eh?
Are you sure that's her motivation?
RORudy One
It's... It's a deficit of drugs and reality bloody TV. [Finn enters] Their sexual frustration, right, has caused them to become so bitter and twisted... They're [Finn sits] consumed by bloody hatred and jealousy. I mean, look at him. I'm more than capable of satisfying me own needs, thank you very much.
That what you were just doing in the toilets?
I mean, what are we talking about?
RORudy One
Nadine! We need to break Nadine out of the convent, and the emphasis here is on "we", right? We, we, we. You need to help me. Who's gonna help me? Come on! Oh, I see. Is that how it is? Unbe-friggin'-lievable. The number of times I've helped you two out. And you, man. What about when you... the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap with you? Me.
That was you. You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
RORudy One
Yeah, and why did I do that?
Because you didn't wanna sleep in your own shit.
RORudy One
That's incorrect. It's because that's what friends do, innit? It's... It's all for one and one for all, and a nun.
[Community servers hiding behind a corner spying on the convent entrance]
RORudy One
Hmm? I don't have... I've... I've no idea. I'm sorry, I've not thought of yet.
Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination?
I guess that's why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.
RORudy One
Shut up, man. I'm not a youth, am I? Unless you're a ticket inspector on the bus, then I'm 15.
So that little exchange got us a whole lot closer into figuring out how to bust in to a convent full of evil bitch nuns, hmm.
You could use the special powers you got after being struck by that random freak storm. [Rudy and Finn turn and stare at Abbey condescended] It's just a thought.
You know, we really should use them more often. Hmm. [Outstretches hands and successfully unlocks convent front doors]
RORudy One
Piece of cake.
You've got blood coming out of your ears.
RORudy One
[Headbutts a nun in hallway] Oh, no. That's really bad. Mmm!
You just head-butted a nun.
RORudy One
Hail Mary, full of grace...
It's fine. She's... She's an evil bitch nun! [Gut kicks the nun]
Shit! [Grabs jacket from under Abbey's head and runs after Jess in hallway] Jess, wait! Jess! It's not what you think! Right, it is. It... It's not how you think.
That doesn't even mean anything.
Like, the... the sex with Abby, that didn't mean anything. Nothing. It's like it didn't even happen.
No. Didn't do anything for me either.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I'm a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
You're not a wolf. You're a slut.
I get it. You like him now he's shagging someone else.
[Comes in front door] Jess.
Oh, just fuck off. Stay away from me.
You can stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you. Look, I- I screwed up, okay?
Seriously, get out my face.
[Shoves Alex] She wants you to leave!
I think they're gonna fight over you now, so that's all worked out.
Why don't you just fuck off?
Bring it, little man. [Finn provokingly jerks head forward, Nadine walks in, Finn shoves Alex who punches Finn in face knocking flat]
Don't you fucking touch him! [Slaps Alex] Dick!
You should just choose which one you want to be with.
Fuck off, you stupid, weird cunt!
RORudy One
[Appears] Guys! [Claps hands and laughs] Yes! Hey! We've just made sweet, beautiful love! Now we're going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can't believe they're putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It's... [fluid drips from Abbey's crotch] That's your sperm, so that's awkward. [Light flickers]
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
When I see people being cruel and violent, that's when they come.
So the nuns aren't evil bitches, they're just trying to protect us from your power?
RORudy One
I've head-butted an innocent nun now, haven't I?
This is why we can never be together. It's not safe for me to leave the convent.
RORudy One
No, listen, sweetheart, listen, stop it. Stop it. Calm down. Don't say those things. We are gonna sort this out, we're gonna deal with the bollocksing Horsemen of the Apocalypse, we're gonna fix your power, then we are going on holiday, 'cause I friggin' love you, Nun Nadine.
[Comes in locker room to find Alex dying from being impaled by a harbringer] It's just a graze.
My bad. We need to get him to a hospital. I'm gutted we're all gonna die before I had the chance to find out what my story is.
I've had it up to here with you and your emotional honesty. Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
I'm sure we're all gonna be fine. Maybe not him.
There is one way to make them disappear.
RORudy One
Right, well, that sounds good. How?
If she dies, they die. It's her power.
RORudy One
No, they're not right. They're fucking... You're wrong.
It's my fault. I brought them here.
RORudy One
No. No good. You're good and pure. D'you know what? I have exposed you to a world where people just shit all over each other, where they lie and they cheat... cowardly, selfish, violent, a world where fucking sperm dribbles out of vaginas and just splatters on the floor. You are a pure, white rose, you know that? In a sea of shit and piss. And I've defiled you and I've defiled your petals. I'm really friggin' sorry.
Moving speech, but where does that leave us and the situation of the Four Horsemen and the Apocalypse?
We go out there and we face them together.
Really? ls... Is that where we're at?
RORudy One
One for all, all for one, and a nun. My nun. My beautiful nun, who I love with all my heart, I swear.
You'd really do that? You'd all die for me?
Looks that way. So, who goes out there first? Someone's gotta be first out the door.
RORudy One
I'm gonna go and get the straws.
I'm really glad I met you.
RORudy One
What? [Nadine runs out locker room to four harbringers] Oh, no. No! [Harbringer plunges sword into Nadine] No! Nadine. Don't. No... Oh... [Four harbringers disappear and Rudy walks ahead sobbing] No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. [Sobs] Ohh... No... [sobs]
RORudy One
This is all wrong, this. I wanted me ET ending.
At least we got some BMXs out of it. I always wanted a BMX. I just remembered that! I just remembered something. That's a clue. To what? To my true identity. Okay, think... BMX.
RORudy One
No, I'm still on ET, love, I'm sorry.
Hello? Is he okay? Jesus, um... I don't know his family. I know he's a barman. Yeah... I'm on my way. OK. Bye. [Hangs up]That was the hospital. It's Alex. He's got a punctured lung, they're giving him...
[Rides BMX into wall] Ah! They're giving him a lung transplant.
RORudy One
Shit! I'll tell you now, you don't wanna be getting a transplant round here.
RORudy One
Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seeing this one time, right, and she had an heart transplant. She only ended up getting herself a teleportation power. And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese.
I'm sure Alex the sexy barman is gonna be fine.
RORudy One
What's the chance of it happening again, really?
Misfits · 556 quotes
