Simon Bellamy quotes from Misfits

Simon

If there is no body, there is no crime.

Simon

You shouldn't have taken my phone. Give me the phone.

It's gonna be alright. I should know. I'm from the future.

Simon

I just want you to know... being here with all of you, it's been the best time of my life.

Nathan

What about you, weird kid? Don't take this in the wrong way or anything, but you look like a pantie-sniffer.

Simon

I'm not a pantie-sniffer. I'm not a pervert. [Nathan mimes masturbating and makes strange noises, teasing him] I tried to burn someone's house down!

Nathan

Verrr!

Simon

Maybe you can fly.

Alisha

He's not gonna be able to fly.

Nathan

Yeah, there's always someone that can fly. Check it out.

Kelly

Don't.

Nathan

Ow! No, that's not it.

Curtis

So what happens now? Is this it? Are we gonna be like this forever?

Simon

What if we are meant to be, like, superheroes?

Nathan

You lot, superheroes? No offence, but in what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen?

Alisha

I did not sign up for that.

Nathan

Superheroes! I love this guy... you prick!

Kelly

What if there’s load of people like us all over town?

Nathan

No, that kind of thing only happens in America. This will fade away. I’m telling you, by this time next week, it’ll be back to the same old boring shit.

Simon

Maybe he's a werewolf.

Nathan

Twat.

Simon

It's what happens in the films. You turn into a werewolf, you kill someone and you wake up somewhere, naked –like a zoo.

Simon

If I'm invisible, I can see if anyone puts anything in our lockers.

Curtis

That sounds like a plan. [To Alisha putting on mascara] You alright with that one, yeah?

Alisha

Works for me.

Curtis

[To Simon] Go on then, turn invisible.

Simon

I can't do it when everyone's watching me.

Nathan

So I guess it's like pissing at a urinal if you've got a tiny cock.

Alisha

Well, that's, er, really impressive. [They walk away, then Simons transforms] Hey, you lot! Did you see it?!

Simon

What's he doing? [talking about Nathan]

Curtis

He's trying to smash the bottle with his mind... I think he's gonna shit himself.

Nathan

I like your cap. [Takes off her cap and her wig comes off too]

Kelly

No! [Runs away in absolute embarassment]

Nathan

What...

Simon

Did you know she was bald?

Nathan

'Course not, twat. Jesus.

Alisha

She looked like an alien.

Nathan

Ah, don't be mean. [Then admits laughing] She did, didn't she? A bald alien! Shh. I should probably try and find her. [Holds up cap and wig] You know.

Alisha

[To Simon] Can't you see we're trying to have an awkward conversation? Move! Go! [Simon leaves, then to Curtis] The sex wasn't that bad, was it?

Curtis

You don't get it, do you? [Leaves]

Alisha

There's nothing wrong with me! You're the one with the problem!

Simon

They are gonna think the probation worker is still alive. I stole his credit card. I used it to book a flight.

Curtis

That is smart!

Kelly

You're dead good at stuff like that.

Nathan

Yeah! Nice one, weird kid.

Simon

We should all go out for drink, you know, to celebrate. It's like an ironic "fuck you" to the probation worker. We're all out having a good time - you're buried under the foundations of an environmental monitoring station.

Simon

Do you wanna come for a drink?

Nathan

Are you asking me out in a date?

Simon

No, I meant all of us.

Nathan

Did you? I'm not your whore!

Alisha

[Walking through door to locker room] Oh, my God! That is such a shamer. [Sees Nathan reenacting sex scene with mimicking masturbation gestures]

Curtis

Do you think he's told the others?

Nathan

Bashing himself out of it.

Curtis

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he told 'em.

Nathan

And she was totally clicking the mouse off herself, man.

Kelly

No way!

Nathan

They were just, like, really face-to-face. He was wanking, she was flicking her own bean, right in each other's face.

Simon

You should've filmed it.

Nathan

Work that bean! Work that bean,

Nathan

Kelly, my love! Oh! Er, hi.

Alisha

Shut up. You enjoyed it, you pervert. [To Simon] What? Do you want to have a look too?

Simon

No, thanks. I'm okay.

Nathan

Can I have another look?

Curtis

Prick.

Alisha

Does anyone actually know what he got done for?

Kelly

Says it was for eating pick 'n' mix.

Curtis

That's bullshit.

Kelly

Are you two, like, together?

Alisha

Yeah, I guess. It's weird, yeah? Cos of my bullshit power thing, we don't actually have proper sex. We just stare at each other and wank ourselves off. But it is really special.

Nathan

[Using trash pick uppers to violate Simon] Come on. It's not gay 'cause we're not touching. All you want to do is get down to it and you can't, cos...

[Community servers walk out door and walks up to Nathan] Hi.

Simon

[Walking on] That's really disgusting.

Nathan

It's not fucking disgusting.

Curtis

When did you get out?

A few days ago. It's good to see you.

Simon

I got your text.

What text?

Simon

You sent me a text telling me to meet you here.

I was texting my mate. I meant a different Simon.