Geoff quotes from Misfits

[Knocks on parent's door and lunges with fist as mother answers] Fuck you!

Pat

[Reacts in terror] Ah!

[Rudy jumps back] Oh! Mum!

Pat

What the hell are you doing?!

Oh. [Chuckles] Classic. Your face, then. Ah.

Pat

You scared the shit out of me.

Hilarious.

Pat

[Walking in hallway] I thought you'd gone mental again.

What do you mean, mental again?

Pat

I thought you were at work.

[Leading Rudy to kitchen] Yeah, I've got the day off. Fancied doing the garden.

Pat

Here he is.

Geoff

[Cutting up a banana in kitchen] All right, son?

All right, Dad?

Geoff

How's the rowing? I thought you were in Spain, at that training camp?

Yes, I was in Spain at the training camp. Do you know what, though? They said there was nothing more they could teach me, so I just rowed home.

Geoff

Oh, right.

Pat

From Spain?

No, bloody hell, don't be ridiculous. Like, I dunno, two thirds of the way.

Geoff

Do you want to stay for tea, son?

I'm not hungry. So, how are you, Dad?

Geoff

Oh, you know, keeping busy.

Oh, busy? Been busy? Busy doing what, exactly? What exactly are you busy doing, Dad?

Geoff

Are you all right?

Dad, I'm all right. I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. The question is, really, are you? Are you all right, Dad?

Geoff

Yeah. Are you? I'm fine, aye.

Pat

Rudy, what is it?

There's something I have to tell you, Mum, and it's killing me, all right?

Geoff

What is it, son?

I'm sorry. Oh, fuck off! You know! Don't make me say it, when you know!

Geoff

[Waves knife at Rudy] You're gay, aren't you?

Oh, my God.

Pat

It's okay. We've always suspected it.

Well, I'm not gay, so...

Pat

Well, there was all that trouble with the Boy Scouts.

Fucking hell! That was an experimental stage, weren't it? No one judged Isaac Newton when he were friggin' wanking on apples, did they? [Picks up an apple]

Pat

Yeah, well, apples aren't the same as 12-year-old boys.

Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum. And maybe that's why you never discovered the fucking... the laws of gravity.

Geoff

Well, you know, you never had a girlfriend, so we assumed...

That I was a big gay. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've had loads of birds. I'm disgusting, I'll do anything. I've... I've got a reputation as a total slag. Mum, I am quite the slut.

Pat

How come we've not met any of them, then?

Because, I am, erm... fuck it! I'm embarrassed of you both! Look at you both! Look at you right now! You are an embarrassment! I'm ashamed! Deep shame for the pair of you! [Takes and eats a banana piece]

Pat

Oh, thanks for those kind words. [They both laugh]

Fuck.

Pat

It's okay. We love you, just how you are. Look at you. You're so handsome. [Rubs back of Rudy's head] Get your good looks from his dad, doesn't he?

Geoff

Oh, you smooth talker, you.

Geoff

I'm going fishing on Sunday. Why don't you come round and keep your mum company? I'm sure she'll cook you a roast.

Yeah?

Geoff

Bring someone. A girlfriend. A boyfriend.

What d'you mean? No. For fuck's sake, I'm not gay, Dad!

Geoff

You might be.

Geoff

She's lovely.

Yeah, she is. She's very lovely indeed, actually. She's...

Geoff

Are you in love with her?

Whoa! No, shut up, Dad. No, I'm not in love with her. Listen to me, seriously. Jess is only here pretending to be my girlfriend so that you and Mum don't think I'm a gaylord.

Geoff

Oh, right. Whatever you say. Huh.

Knob.