Jess[Sitting on bench with Finn] Don't.
Jess
Make small talk. I hate small talk.
Me, too. Hate the small talkers. Like me mum. What a twat. That was probably a bit harsh. She can't help it. Not since the stroke. That was a joke. Me mum hasn't had a stroke. She did recently have a hysterectomy. Not a whole lot of laughs that week. Oh, my God. The crying! [Mimics rasping voice] "They took me womanhood..." I was like, "Mum! Spare me the graphic biological details." [Chuckles] Did they tell you nine o'clock? 'Cause they said nine to me. [Jess walks away]
OPOnline porn woman
[Rudy is in office fondling to online porn] Oh, yes! Fuck me harder! Oh, yes, I like it when you do that! [Finn and Jess enter office and Rudy sits up]
We're here for our community service.
Jess
Who are you?
I am your probation worker.
OPOnline porn woman
Fuck this tight little asshole! [Rudy attempts to turn it off unsuccessfully]
That's not... That is just wrong. That is not how... That's not how God intended it. Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.
OPOnline porn woman
Oh, yes!
OPOnline porn woman
Oh, it's so hard!
This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...
OPOnline porn woman
Oh, yes! My shit tastes so good on your cock!
[Turns off monitor] Somebody's daughter! [Holds out a bag] Want a nacho?
Jess
[Watching Rudy open locker with a fire extinguisher] What are you doing?
I... I am looking for a sandwich. That I put in one of these lockers for safekeeping. But I'll be buggered if I can remember which one it's in. I bloody hate it when I misplace a sandwich.
Jess
Me, too. It's extremely upsetting. What kind of sandwich was it?
It was cheese. It was a cheese sandwich.
Jess
Perhaps a mouse ate it. Those furry little bastards do love a bit of cheese.
They do. Bloody mice. Now you'll have to excuse me, though, 'cause I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am a probation worker. [Walks away] Shit! [Walks in other direction] Just put that back on there. Safety is very important. [Places fire extinguisher in corner and it falls over] That's...poor craftsmanship, that is.
Jess
You know how you said this was a weird setup? So it turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.
Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.
Jess
Okay. You give me a perfectly reasonable explanation for locking someone in a freezer.
Do we need to get involved? What if we pretend you didn't see it? How's that sitting with you? Cos...that feels good to me.
What was that? That didn't sound good.
[Jess unlocks and opens freezer door to discover Curtis unresponsive] Okay, so the probation worker keeps a guy locked in a freezer. It's certainly unusual.
Jess
Is he dead?
He looks dead. If we go now, we can still catch the start of Countdown. [Jess leans to touch his neck and Curtis wakes up, hits Finn in the face, leaps out of freezer and grabs Jess]
Jess
What?!
He sent you, didn't he?! Where's the briefcase? Where's the case?!
Jess
I don't know! I don't know anything about any case!
[Holding nose] You're welcome! This is why you should never get involved. Not so much as a thank you! [Tilts head back]
You've let him out! Jesus! You shouldn't have done that!
Jess
What the fuck is going on?
[Hand motions in front] Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit, [Hand motions to his right] and over here we have a great big fan. [Hand motions to his left] Shit, and then [Hand motions to his right] you've got the fan... [Hand motions in front] thbbt!
[Hands Finn and Jess drinks] I'm going to level with you. Hmm? So prepare to be shocked, huh? Surprised... and more than a little bit amazed. For I am not, in fact, your probation worker. Pfft!
Jess
Really? No shit? You should think about becoming an actor.
I know! I know. I know. Just check this out. The truth is, like you. I am also on community service. It all started yesterday. [Hallway scene with voiceover] There we were, we were all gathered around the vending machine after another arse-numbingly boring day.
Our mate Seth had just come back from Africa and he had quite a story to tell. so we end up traveling to Uganda. And we're in this village and some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he's dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.
Kelly? She defused a mine?
The villagers love her out there, man. They're all singing and dancing... Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet and savoury, it's man's eternal dilemma. So, anyway, I'm just back to get our stuff. Kelly's fucking off her community service. We're going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She's not coming back.
What?! She's not coming...? When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I'm going to get some chocolate because I'm very upset. [Michael bursts in front doors bleeding and limping holding briefcase]
Jess
You are going to go blind.
That's what me old headmaster, Mr Gibbons, used to say to me, until some nasty little shit threw sulphuric acid into his face. Who's laughing, [points to face with both hands] and seeing, now? 'Cause it's not him.
Jess
Just get on with it, you silly little prick!
Whoa! I'm a storyteller, love. I'm merely trying to paint a vivid picture for me audience here.
It was Seth. He took the case, didn't he?
I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He's sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about you behind your back. He's all this; [mimics Seth] His cock's like a little fuckin' slug.
Did he... Did he say that?
What? Has he seen... Has he seen my cock? Well, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [They clink drink cans in pride over plan]
[Scene becomes office] So, you were going to drug this guy Seth, but it was Curtis... He was the one in the freezer?
Jess
You seem just as obsessed with the briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.
All right, you've... you've got me. Busted. I believe I am what is commonly referred to as an unreliable narrator. Mmm? See, Curtis was right. I did sneak out in the middle of the night white they were dreaming their happy little dreams.
So, having gone to investigate the mysterious noise, I returned to the room... only to find... that the case had vanished. So, I go back to sleep... well, I slipped in a cheeky little sunrise wank, and then I acted all dumb, yeah? Innocent. And do you know what? You were right, mate. It wasn't me and Curtis having a little chat by the vending machine. It was me and Seth. [Scene becomes hallway] It was Curtis. He's the one who took the case, isn't he?
I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He is sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It's all this. [Mimics Curtis] Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit?
He said that about Kelly?
Two-faced bastard. So, what are you saying?
I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [Scene becomes office] How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... "Cahoots" is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the community centre this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they're on community service. Can you see where I'm going with all this?
You lost me at "cahoots".
Jess
Unbelievable. He's spiked our drinks. No! [Drops glass on floor]
Let's not beat ourselves up about it. I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you with me devious cunning, for I have been spinning you a yarn this whole time, just waiting for the drugs to kick in, which should be right about now-ish. [Finn sits on couch and Jess sits in chair] Easy. Go with it. Just let it wash over you. It's like a gentle autumn breeze. [Jess keels over and Rudy sits on couch besides Finn, puts arm on his shoulders] Ooh... Eh? Sleepy-time for Bobos. [Kisses him on head]
[Finn and Jess wake up in coffin freezer]
Jess
What the fuck?!
Who is that? Is that you?
Jess
Of course it's me! Who else would it be?
Oh, my God. What's that? There's something moving in me hand.
Jess
That's my tit!
Jess
Just stop touching my tits!
I was trying to find me phone.
Jess
It's not in my bra! [Shines phone] There's no signal. You?
Never when you really need it.
Jess
[Shouts] Help! Help!
Shh. Hey. Relax. He's just messing with us. This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know, like in those posh private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other's shit?
Jess
You are so naive. You're a pedophile's wet dream. "Hey, little boy. Do you want to come with me into the bushes and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?" What?
Wasn't in the bushes. It was at me uncle's house. He had this... big, old house in the country. It was surrounded by cornfields. It was beautiful. I used to stay there in the summer when I was a kid. Every night, me uncle came to my room. I can still feel him on top of me... the smell of whisky and cigarettes on his breath... After he raped me... I'd feel his tears falling on me face... like salty rain. I'm joking.
Jess
You prick! I thought you were being serious. [Hits him] You dick!
Jess
Why would you do that?
I was trying to lighten the mood.
Jess
You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?
I'm just saying. It could be worse. You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary rapist uncle. Suddenly, things don't seem quite so bad.
Jess
[Shouts] Help! Help!
Is it just me, or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?
Jess
I'm going to die in a freezer on my first day of community service. I thought I'd have kids, grow old and ugly. I'd die in my sleep with all my family around me.
I always thought I'd die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing. I'm off me head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she's horribly disfigured. Sadie?
Jess
Who's Sadie?
Me dog. If I die, who's going to feed me dog? Are you dying?
Jess
I... I really need a wee. I have a small bladder.
Don't mind me, if you want to...
Jess
I'm not going to piss myself in front of you.
What if we piss ourselves in front of each other? There's no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize? On the count of three?
Jess
Oh, this can't be happening.
Are you pissing in your pants or are you getting it out?
Jess
I'll be pissing in my pants.
Okay! I'm going to just... There he is. All right? Here we go. On three...
Jess
Will you please just shut the fuck up and let me piss myself?
I really hope you don't need a shit. [Rudy and Seth open freezer door and dump in Michael]
Jess
What are you doing?! We don't know anything about any briefcase!
We just want to go home and watch Countdown! I've got a dog!
Jess
We're going to die in here.
What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their community service?
I believe you'll find there's no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there?
[Walking on recreation centre promenade up to Greg] Who are you?
I'm your new probation worker.
Jess
How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?
Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?
[Scoffs] I mean, well, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge.
Is it okay if I leave early? I've got a dog at home. I need to let her out for a shit.
[Starts laughing with community servers smiling] Have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?
And his probation worker...
[His composure becomes stern] He hunted him down... he pinned him to the floor... and he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon. I'm sure she can wait. You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. [Mimics sound of steam engine train] I think we'll get along great. And you... I really like you.
Jess
Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
Why did he single me out? Why me?
Well, don't sweat it, man. Chances are he'll be dead by the end of week.
So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like, "When are you going to pay your rent?" And I was all like, "I ain't going to pay it and what are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes. Cause they've kicked me out of me flat and they've repossessed it.
Jess
So where did you sleep?
Oh! So, I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo. I get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers. When I say hers. Have you ever shagged a homeless girl?
It's like camping. Honestly, reminded me of being a boy scout. Looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there. While she... Oh, she sat on my face. Where am I going with this? Can I stay at your for an indefinite period of time, rent-free, please?
Jess
I'm very tempted. Um... I guess my question is would we get to have regular sex?
That could certainly be arranged. [Pause] You're being... get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read. Dude, you can't have me wandering the streets, man. D'you know what happened to the Littlest Hobo? He got raped. I'm making that up, he didn't get raped. It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?! "Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc..." [Finn comes in locker room] Whoa! What time do you call this?
I- I had to take me dog to the vet.
Did you? Did you now? Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars. Oh, dude, I'm joking. Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ. [Laughs sheepishly]
Jess
What's that on your neck?
Nothing. It's all scratched. It's a scratch. People get scratched all the time. It happens.
Jess
What have you been doing?
Maybe he was trying to hang himself.
Why would I try and hang myself?
Because you are short. [Walking out] Don't do it.
This is a sculpting class for the blind. And you, God help them, will be their models.
[To Jess in a seducing manner] Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
That zip goes down one more inch and me and you are gonna go toe-to-toe.
Jess
Gutted.
They might not be able to see you, but I can. I can see into your souls.
Misfits · 556 quotes
