Rudy One quotes from Misfits

[To Jess] Always liked you. It's raining. Your hair's so pretty... when it's wet. [Feels her hair]

Jesus Christ. The man's a fucking vegetable.

Finn

I tell you what's happened here. The storm. This will be something to do with the storm.

Alex

Really?

Finn

Yeah.

Alex

You think so?

Finn

Mm-hm.

Alex

Well, thanks for the heads-up, [[w:Miss Marple|Miss Marple.

Abbey

Maybe it's something to do with that superpower support group he's been going to.

Finn

So, what does he need with a support group, anyway?

Talking about your feelings, that's the first sign of weakness. You want to bottle that stuff up inside you, until it becomes one solid mass of anger and resentment. That's what my Uncle Peter did. Admittedly, he drank himself to death, but that's not the... point. [Answers phone] Hello?

Jess

He's hungry. Gammon and egg, and fish and... He wants gammon.

Well, I don't know. Get him some from a vending machine?

Jess

Okay, hurry up. You need to be the one dealing with this, not me.

Oh...

Abbey

[Holds up flyer to door] Guys, this is it.

[Walks up] Right.

Finn

What's the plan?

The plan is... we go in there and we ask 'em which one turned Rudy 2 into an old man.

Finn

Shit plan.

Is it?

Finn

If Rudy 2's a regular at this group, they're going to think you're him. Go undercover, pretend to be him and whoever did it'll be surprised to see you. They'll give themselves away.

[Snaps finger and points] That is genius. Here's what I need, right? I need a beard. I need some glasses. I need a pipe. I want a cloak. Get me a staff of some kind.

Finn

You need to look like Rudy 2, otherwise they're not gonna think you're him.

This guy, eight GCSEs. [Zips up jacket] Let's go undercover. [Walks down long stairs and opens door to warehouse]

Rudy 2. How are you doing?

I would imagine you're... quite surprised to see me, guy.

Not really. Um... you always come on a Tuesday.

Let's just say that old habits... die hard. Old... habits.

Finn

I'm Finn. [Shakes hands with Stuart]

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just here for the biscuits.

Cheers.

Finlay.

Finn

What was all that with the fucking milky nipples?

What was the plan, Finn? Can you remember it? The plan was, we don't tell anyone what our real powers are.

Finn

That was nothing to do with the plan.

Was it not?

Finn

No!

Now, listen to me, dude, seriously. Someone here knows something about Rudy 2. I suggest we just split up.

Finn

Yeah, I think we should just... [Rudy walks to support group circle] fuck off!

So, what's your power?

Finn

Teleke...

Milky nipples.

Hmm?

Milky nipples. 'Cause every time he tells a lie, he just expresses milk from his nipples. It's ridiculous, and he's very embarrassed about it. Now, you're going to have to excuse us, cos we do have other people we need to speak to. [Slaps Stuart on left shoulder and walks past him]

Greg

[About old Rudy Two] Who the fuck might this be?! [To Rudy One] What's the matter? Cat got your tongue. [Screeches like a cat] Aren't you going to introduce us?

Shit, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me.

Jess

He's my granddad.

Greg

[To Rudy One] Men like this fought in wars. Cheek by jowl. Belly-down, crawling through the mud, the blood and fear and for what? Boys with hair straighteners. Girls in jeggings with their flabby arses hanging out! [To old Rudy Two] It was my very real privilege to have met you, sir. [Salutes him and leaves]

[Walks in with bundle of clothes for aged Rudy Two] Right! Here we go, look, clean clothes. You're gonna be beating 'em off with a shitty stick, you are. There you go. All right, let's get... [points to sweater of Rudy Two] what the frigging hell are you wearing?!

My jumper. Maggie made it for me.

Jess

He was cold. I found it under the sofa.

That's fucking me! That's me! I'm fucking flying! Look!

Jess

What are you talking about?

It's the future. That is me, that. I fucking knew... I knew it!

Jess

Oh, it's just a jumper.

This woman, she knits the future. That is us, look.

Jess

All right. How comes there's only four of us?

Well, she's had to miss Finn out, obviously. No one can knit that fucking small, can they?

You've cast a spell! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't shit. Without that [poking Jess' nose] popping into me head.

Jess

Well, I hate to mess up your well established routine of eating, sleeping, and shitting, so, do you want to meet up later and talk about it?

Yeah.

Jess

Okay. Well, it's a date.

Girl, you're a witch. You're a beautiful freakin' witch. You know that?

Jess

So, do you want to talk about what's going on with us?

Yeah, I do. Right, now, when it comes to Finley, there is no us. Honestly, I'll just deny I even know you. "Jess? Who's Jess? Is she that Chinese fellow with a bit of a limp?"

Jess

So, we can't just be honest about it?

Of course, we can be honest. We can be honest about it. That's my middle name. Rudy Honest Jeffrey Wade. [They both laugh] You go first.

Jess

I like you [Rudy pumps his fist], which is really weird because you can be such a total dick.

Hey, whoa. Well, I refute that. That's... That is refuted.

Jess

If you want to start seeing me, I'm not going to sneak around. We have to tell Finn.

Or we could just not tell him. Bingo.

[In locker room] Finlay? [Whispers] Check your messages. Might find a little... present there.

Finn

What is it?

Check it out. Enjoy.

Finn

God. Is she taking a shit?

She's taking the Mother Teresa of all shits, dude.

Finn

Her face is all contorted! What the fuck?

Finn

I know! It's enough to put you off her, isn't it? Ugh, I can't watch... oh, my God!

Consider yourself cured of your childish infatuation.

Jess

Why have you sent me a video of Jess taking a shit?

Eh?

Jess

Yeah, I got one of those, too. I thought it was one of those e-greeting cards.

Are you fucking kidding?

Jess

God.

Shit! [Runs out front door to lakeside promenade to Jess on her phone and knocks her phone sending it flying out of her hand into the lake] Morning! Good morning, Jessica!

Jess

What the fuck are you doing? That's my phone!

Yeah, I know. I've only gone and bloody liberated you. Freed you from the tyrannies of freakin' texting. You free now? Just take off your shackles. Get rid of 'em. Throw it in there. [in sing-song] Free Nelson Mandela, Shoes too small to fit these feet. [Speaking normally] He should have gone to Clarks. They do have a bit of a wider fit.

Jess

You're paying for a new phone.

What do you mean? You don't have insurance? Bloody hell. Well, some people might call that a bit irresponsible. You know what I mean? [Jess gives him a look] Not me, I think it's adorable. I call it adorable.

Jess

I call it not having a fucking phone. [Storms off]

Adorable! Fuck!

Alex

So how does this girl's power work?

Well, I don't know. Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers and freakin' insert yourself into people. I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man, and I for one will not let him be experimented on. Unless she's dressing him up, man, like one of them chimps in the PG Tips adverts, then colour me amused.

Jess

Has it happened before?

No.

Jess

No?

Once. It's happened once before. I was shagging a doctor. Well... well, by doctor, I mean the receptionist at the vet's. And so I bend her over the table in the treatment room and I've got fucking Peter staring at me with his sad, dead eyes. So...

Jess

Who's Peter? Was that the vet?

No, he was my bunny, Peter the rabbit. I was having him put down.

Jess

Oh.

And, honest to God, I abso... Fucking hell, I loved that rabbit. He had these massive big floppy ears. They felt like... honestly, it was like furry velvet on your skin.

Jess

So, you have him put down and then you slip it up the receptionist?

No, no, no, no, I couldn't slip it up the receptionist, because I was filled with this sort of... I don't know, like a bloody... overwhelming sense of love for Peter the rabbit. My dick was... honestly, as soft, floppy and as velvety as his frigging ears. It was a nightmare.

Jess

Mm.

Honestly. That's what it... that's what it is. Fuck me. That's what... that's what it is. It's because I love you.

Jess

You love me?

Yeah. I love you like I loved Peter Rabbit. And that's why my cock won't frigging work. I have a really sarcastic penis.

Jess

Do you mean you have an ironic penis? Is that what you mean?

What you on about?

Jess

The bend in it?

That's from when Saunders slammed it into a door.

Jess

What did Finn say, has he found out about us?

No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal.

Alex

Well look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?

Who's this fucking guy, man? Clever and handsome, it's unbelievable.

[After Rudy Two leaves] You know, this is your fucking fault, this is, eh. You're just filling his head with all these big ideas. He's going off being his own person, doing his own fucking thing. Do you know what you're doing? You're trying to spilt up the band. Me and him are the fucking Beatles, mate, and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.

Yoko Ono?

Yeah.

She's Japanese.

Is she?

Finn

You fuckin' lied to me!

Dude, I didn't, man. Technically that's inaccurate, cos I... I fuckin' offered to buy you a Bounty bar, for God's sake. I was telling you the truth. You just... you just... you didn't believe me, Finn.

Finn

And d'you know why? Because I didn't think you'd do that to me.

Come on, man. Don't be like this. Come to Uncle Rudy for a bit.

Finn

Don't think that you can just laugh it off. Fuck me over and then make a joke out of it. And you know what? I know you probably won't give a shit, because you've got Jess now. But as far as friendship goes, you and me, we're finished! Enjoy the fuckin' party! [Walks away]

Finn? [Kicks chair] Fuck! Fuck's sake.

[Walks up to Rudy One at a rave party in community centre] Rudy One or Rudy Two?

It's Rudy! It's just Rudy! I'm Ghostbusters, he's Ghostbusters II, and everybody knows Ghostbusters II was a right piece of shit!

I quite liked it.

You fucking would, wouldn't you?

Do you know ecstasy reverses your power? Whatever your power is, it makes it do the opposite.

That's a good fact. All right, stay off the pills, stick to the friggin' heroin, then. [Sees Jess[ Oh, fuck! Jess! [Gets up] Shit! [Throws ecstasy pill upwards which lands in Greg's hand who takes it]