Finn quotes from Misfits

Finn

[Sees chainsaw on office table] That's a definite ball-tightening moment. [Jess grabs key ring]

Finn

[Greets his bound and gagged wife on bed in apartment] Sadie? I'm home. You're not going to believe the day I've had. It was totally insane. I mean, off the scale. How was your day? Tell you what, why don't I make us a sandwich, and I'll, er, tell you all about it?

Finn

I don't care how evil and bitchy she is. I'm not... I'm not kicking a nun. That's seven years' bad luck.

Nathan

Him and his mum can come live with me at the Community Centre! I can get free food from the vending machines and I’ll steel booze from the kitchen. I’ll steal from other babies! I’ll go to the park and forage for nuts and berries!

[thinking] You prick.

Jess

[Sitting on bench with Finn] Don't.

Finn

What?

Jess

Make small talk. I hate small talk.

Finn

Me, too. Hate the small talkers. Like me mum. What a twat. That was probably a bit harsh. She can't help it. Not since the stroke. That was a joke. Me mum hasn't had a stroke. She did recently have a hysterectomy. Not a whole lot of laughs that week. Oh, my God. The crying! [Mimics rasping voice] "They took me womanhood..." I was like, "Mum! Spare me the graphic biological details." [Chuckles] Did they tell you nine o'clock? 'Cause they said nine to me. [Jess walks away]

[Rudy is in office fondling to online porn] Oh, yes! Fuck me harder! Oh, yes, I like it when you do that! [Finn and Jess enter office and Rudy sits up]

Rudy

Who are you?

Finn

We're here for our community service.

Jess

Who are you?

Rudy

I am your probation worker.

Fuck this tight little asshole! [Rudy attempts to turn it off unsuccessfully]

Rudy

That's not... That is just wrong. That is not how... That's not how God intended it. Bloody spam e-mails. Deleted.

Oh, yes!

Rudy

Wow.

Oh, it's so hard!

Rudy

This is repulsive. Some of the stuff...

Oh, yes! My shit tastes so good on your cock!

Rudy

[Turns off monitor] Somebody's daughter! [Holds out a bag] Want a nacho?

Jess

You know how you said this was a weird setup? So it turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.

Finn

Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.

Jess

Okay. You give me a perfectly reasonable explanation for locking someone in a freezer.

Finn

Do we need to get involved? What if we pretend you didn't see it? How's that sitting with you? Cos...that feels good to me.

Finn

I was just getting a Bounty.

Rudy

Whereas I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat.

Jess

We need to get that guy out of the freezer.

Finn

What was that? That didn't sound good.

Rudy

Shit!

Finn

[Jess unlocks and opens freezer door to discover Curtis unresponsive] Okay, so the probation worker keeps a guy locked in a freezer. It's certainly unusual.

Jess

Is he dead?

Finn

He looks dead. If we go now, we can still catch the start of Countdown. [Jess leans to touch his neck and Curtis wakes up, hits Finn in the face, leaps out of freezer and grabs Jess]

Curtis

Who are you?!

Jess

What?!

Curtis

He sent you, didn't he?! Where's the briefcase? Where's the case?!

Jess

I don't know! I don't know anything about any case!

Finn

[Holding nose] You're welcome! This is why you should never get involved. Not so much as a thank you! [Tilts head back]

Rudy

You've let him out! Jesus! You shouldn't have done that!

Jess

What the fuck is going on?

Rudy

[Hand motions in front] Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit, [Hand motions to his right] and over here we have a great big fan. [Hand motions to his left] Shit, and then [Hand motions to his right] you've got the fan... [Hand motions in front] thbbt!

Curtis

It was Seth. He took the case, didn't he?

Rudy

Why do you say that?

Curtis

I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He's sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about you behind your back. He's all this; [mimics Seth] His cock's like a little fuckin' slug.

Rudy

Did he... Did he say that?

Curtis

Mm-hm.

Rudy

What? Has he seen... Has he seen my cock? Well, what are you saying?

Curtis

I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [They clink drink cans in pride over plan]

Finn

[Scene becomes office] So, you were going to drug this guy Seth, but it was Curtis... He was the one in the freezer?

Jess

You seem just as obsessed with the briefcase as the others. This is bullshit.

Rudy

All right, you've... you've got me. Busted. I believe I am what is commonly referred to as an unreliable narrator. Mmm? See, Curtis was right. I did sneak out in the middle of the night white they were dreaming their happy little dreams.

Rudy

So, having gone to investigate the mysterious noise, I returned to the room... only to find... that the case had vanished. So, I go back to sleep... well, I slipped in a cheeky little sunrise wank, and then I acted all dumb, yeah? Innocent. And do you know what? You were right, mate. It wasn't me and Curtis having a little chat by the vending machine. It was me and Seth. [Scene becomes hallway] It was Curtis. He's the one who took the case, isn't he?

Seth

Why do you say that?

Rudy

I can feel it in my nut sac. You know what he's like. He is sneaky and he's underhand. And he makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It's all this. [Mimics Curtis] Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit?

Seth

He said that about Kelly?

Rudy

Huh...

Seth

Two-faced bastard. So, what are you saying?

Rudy

I'm saying we should drug his drink and lock him in the freezer until he tells us where the briefcase is. [Scene becomes office] How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... "Cahoots" is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the community centre this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they're on community service. Can you see where I'm going with all this?

Finn

You lost me at "cahoots".

Jess

Unbelievable. He's spiked our drinks. No! [Drops glass on floor]

Finn

When was this?

Rudy

Let's not beat ourselves up about it. I mean, I have... I've bamboozled you with me devious cunning, for I have been spinning you a yarn this whole time, just waiting for the drugs to kick in, which should be right about now-ish. [Finn sits on couch and Jess sits in chair] Easy. Go with it. Just let it wash over you. It's like a gentle autumn breeze. [Jess keels over and Rudy sits on couch besides Finn, puts arm on his shoulders] Ooh... Eh? Sleepy-time for Bobos. [Kisses him on head]

Jess

What the fuck?!

Finn

Who is that? Is that you?

Jess

Of course it's me! Who else would it be?

Finn

Oh, my God. What's that? There's something moving in me hand.

Jess

That's my tit!

Finn

Oh, sorry.

Jess

Just stop touching my tits!

Finn

I was trying to find me phone.

Jess

It's not in my bra! [Shines phone] There's no signal. You?

Finn

Never when you really need it.

Jess

[Shouts] Help! Help!

Finn

Shh. Hey. Relax. He's just messing with us. This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know, like in those posh private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other's shit?

Jess

You are so naive. You're a pedophile's wet dream. "Hey, little boy. Do you want to come with me into the bushes and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?" What?

Finn

Wasn't in the bushes. It was at me uncle's house. He had this... big, old house in the country. It was surrounded by cornfields. It was beautiful. I used to stay there in the summer when I was a kid. Every night, me uncle came to my room. I can still feel him on top of me... the smell of whisky and cigarettes on his breath... After he raped me... I'd feel his tears falling on me face... like salty rain. I'm joking.

Jess

You prick! I thought you were being serious. [Hits him] You dick!

Finn

Ow! Jesus!

Jess

Why would you do that?

Finn

I was trying to lighten the mood.

Jess

You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?

Finn

I'm just saying. It could be worse. You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary rapist uncle. Suddenly, things don't seem quite so bad.

Jess

[Shouts] Help! Help!

Finn

Is it just me, or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?

Jess

I'm going to die in a freezer on my first day of community service. I thought I'd have kids, grow old and ugly. I'd die in my sleep with all my family around me.

Finn

I always thought I'd die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing. I'm off me head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she's horribly disfigured. Sadie?

Jess

Who's Sadie?

Finn

Me dog. If I die, who's going to feed me dog? Are you dying?

Jess

I... I really need a wee. I have a small bladder.

Finn

Don't mind me, if you want to...

Jess

I'm not going to piss myself in front of you.

Finn

What if we piss ourselves in front of each other? There's no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize? On the count of three?

Jess

Oh, this can't be happening.

Finn

Are you pissing in your pants or are you getting it out?

Jess

I'll be pissing in my pants.

Finn

Okay! I'm going to just... There he is. All right? Here we go. On three...

Jess

Will you please just shut the fuck up and let me piss myself?

Finn

I really hope you don't need a shit. [Rudy and Seth open freezer door and dump in Michael]

Jess

What are you doing?! We don't know anything about any briefcase!

Finn

We just want to go home and watch Countdown! I've got a dog!

Jess

We're going to die in here.

Seth

What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their community service?

Rudy

I believe you'll find there's no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there?

Curtis

[Walking on recreation centre promenade up to Greg] Who are you?

Greg

I'm your new probation worker.

Jess

How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?

Greg

Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?

Finn

Cor, I have no idea.

Greg

[Scoffs] I mean, well, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge.

Finn

Is it okay if I leave early? I've got a dog at home. I need to let her out for a shit.

Greg

[Starts laughing with community servers smiling] Have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?

Rudy

No.

Greg

And his probation worker...

Rudy

Go on.

Greg

[His composure becomes stern] He hunted him down... he pinned him to the floor... and he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon. I'm sure she can wait. You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. [Mimics sound of steam engine train] I think we'll get along great. And you... I really like you.

Rudy

Huh. Whatever.

Jess

Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?

Curtis

That's definitely new.

Finn

Why did he single me out? Why me?

Rudy

Well, don't sweat it, man. Chances are he'll be dead by the end of week.

Rudy

So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like, "When are you going to pay your rent?" And I was all like, "I ain't going to pay it and what are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes. Cause they've kicked me out of me flat and they've repossessed it.

Jess

So where did you sleep?

Rudy

Oh! So, I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo. I get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers. When I say hers. Have you ever shagged a homeless girl?

Curtis

No.

Rudy

It's like camping. Honestly, reminded me of being a boy scout. Looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there. While she... Oh, she sat on my face. Where am I going with this? Can I stay at your for an indefinite period of time, rent-free, please?

Curtis

No. [Rudy turns to Jess]

Jess

I'm very tempted. Um... I guess my question is would we get to have regular sex?

Rudy

That could certainly be arranged. [Pause] You're being... get off, you're being sarcastic. You're very hard to read. Dude, you can't have me wandering the streets, man. D'you know what happened to the Littlest Hobo? He got raped. I'm making that up, he didn't get raped. It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?! "Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc..." [Finn comes in locker room] Whoa! What time do you call this?

Finn

I- I had to take me dog to the vet.

Rudy

Did you? Did you now? Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars. Oh, dude, I'm joking. Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ. [Laughs sheepishly]

Jess

What's that on your neck?

Finn

Nothing. It's all scratched. It's a scratch. People get scratched all the time. It happens.

Jess

What have you been doing?

Finn

Nothing.

Curtis

Maybe he was trying to hang himself.

Finn

Why would I try and hang myself?

Rudy

Because you are short. [Walking out] Don't do it.