[Walking on recreation centre promenade up to Greg] Who are you?
GregI'm your new probation worker.
How do we know you're not just someone impersonating a probation worker?
Greg
Why would someone impersonate a probation worker?
Greg
[Scoffs] I mean, well, I certainly never have and never would, because... well, because I've got too much respect for that badge.
Is it okay if I leave early? I've got a dog at home. I need to let her out for a shit.
Greg
[Starts laughing with community servers smiling] Have you heard the one about the guy who left his community service early to let his dog out for a shit?
Greg
And his probation worker...
Greg
[His composure becomes stern] He hunted him down... he pinned him to the floor... and he fed him the dog shit with a teaspoon. I'm sure she can wait. You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. [Mimics sound of steam engine train] I think we'll get along great. And you... I really like you.
Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
Why did he single me out? Why me?
Well, don't sweat it, man. Chances are he'll be dead by the end of week.
Greg
This is a sculpting class for the blind. And you, God help them, will be their models.
[To Jess in a seducing manner] Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
Greg
That zip goes down one more inch and me and you are gonna go toe-to-toe.
Greg
They might not be able to see you, but I can. I can see into your souls.
[Rudy, Curtis and Jess are at blind people's clay modeling in the recreation centre atrium]
Yeah, well, more to the point, what if it isn't his shit?
Right, well, he's got this door, keeps it locked. Keep hearing all this talking through it. Where the fuck's this dog he keeps going on about? I just think he's got some sort of...
Greg
[Approaches] We need to change things up. Ally's asked for a different model.
What? Why does she want a different model?
Greg
Are you questioning me? You don't get to question me, because as far as you're concerned, I am God. And you know what happens when you fuck with God. There is an almighty shitstorm. Now, swap with this bell-end, if you think you can manage it.
[Chuckles] D'you wanna know why she wanted to swap? Because even though she's blind, she can still see my inner beauty.
Is it all right if I go home to let my dog out?
Greg
What's it worth?
[Chuckles] What, you want me to pay you?
Greg
Well, you're asking me to risk my job, my pension, my reputation, so... what's it worth, dipshit?
About £2.86? [Puts change in Greg's hand]
Greg
Fuck off.
Does that mean I can go and feed me dog?
Greg
No.
Whoever your dad is, cheap bastard owes you for 21 friggin' birthdays! You know, the man's out there, he is just spraying his sperm around like it were friggin' confetti or summat like that. I tell you, the least he could do, [taps picture in newspaper] buy you a car. And that's not to mention all the friggin' Christmases he's missed as well. This little fella's gonna be balls deep in turkey this year,
D'you really think you can have a relationship with some guy you've never even met before? I'm telling you now.
He's me dad. We're blood, we're... Blood's thicker than wine. You know, as wanky as it might sound... [sighs] ... I'm going on a journey of self-discovery.
And... I'd appreciate it if I had a little bit of support.
Yeah, I just hope your dad's not tragically disappointed.
Why would he be disappointed?
Well, beca- [Greg appears] oh, dear.
Greg
Ohhh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe! [Points to Greg]
Greg
My office. NOW! [Leans into Rudy and whispers] We're going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee there will be tears. [Smiles] And they won't be mine.
Greg
So why do you think he did it? Why did Curtis... blow his brains out in a disused factory?
I honestly couldn't tell you, mate.
Greg
Let's get... one thing straight, right? I am not and I never will be... your mate.
Oh, come on, that's a bit of a tragedy, innit?! For you! Because I think if you... Only kidding. That's not... [Mutters] Cor, you're very intense.
Greg
Oh, you want intense?
Greg
[Clears throat] I'll give you intense. I'll give you the intense sensation of me skull-fucking your living brain.
Greg
Come on. Since Curtis's death, have you suffered from overwhelming feelings of loss and despair?
No? [seriously after Greg gives him a look] No, I haven't.
Greg
Are you fucking sure about that?
Yes? [Clears throat] Yes.
[In locker room] Right, so your new dad... craps in a bag? People are strange, mate.
You should see him. He's all, like...
Does he have a car? 'Cause I'm thinking... you know, if he's ill, should he be driving?
I don't know if he's got a car. 'Cause as I sat there and he was nearly coughing himself to death, I didn't think it was appropriate to start making an inventory of all his worldly possessions. You know, some people might say that was a little insensitive.
Oh. What's your sister like?
You are clearly not one of those people.
I meant as a person! I'm just thinking your sister needs a little bit of something to take her mind of things. By something, I mean... I know what you...! I know what you mean.
Greg
[Appears] Who's dying?
Me new dad. He's not new, as in... [Greg does a facial tick and Rudy walks away] new to me.
Greg
[Sighs and walks up to Finn] D'you know how I felt when my dad died?
Greg
Take a guess.
Greg
I was fucking ecstatic. Guy was a miserable, judgemental prick. Danced a happy little jig on his grave. [Dances a jig and leans into Finn] You think about that... when you're out there scrubbing off graffiti and scraping up dog shit.
Right, now then. [Points to an unresponsive Abbey on locker room floor] Prime example about the whole Nadine thing, right? Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl, normally I... would be thinking... [crouches over Abbey's face] balls on face. But nothing.
Yeah. Dude, but not in a bloody creepy way, mate. In a... you know, like... 'Ey, dude... let's put our balls on each other's faces. For banter, though. Funny. [Abbey wakes up and drinks a sip from a beer can] Yes! Respect, straight back on it.
Greg
[Walks in] Who the fuck are you?
Greg
[To Finn] What's she doing here? Did you fuck her? Is that what happened?
Greg
[Walks up to Finn and leans in] Did you fuck her in here? The smell of the sweat and the feel of the cold, hard tiles on your knees.
Greg
Better not have. What's she doing?
She's on community service.
Greg
Well, n- no- one told me.
Yeah, well, I'm telling you now.
Greg
[Puts hand behind Finn's head] You're responsible for her. If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I'll fuck you up all the way to fuck.
Greg
You can start by cleaning the shit out of the community centre. [Leans into Abbey] Have fun.
That is our... that is our probation worker. He's bloody highly strung and he's very angry and I just think there's a lot of pain there, to be honest with you.
Well, good look with it all.
What are you doing? You heard what he said, he's going to fuck me up all the way to fuck. And... I don't even know what that means, but it's not good.
Please just help us out for today. I- I'll sort something out, I'll get you out of it, I'll... I'll fake your death.
Where do I get a jumpsuit?
[Opens locker to jumpsuit] Yes, there.
Oh, hello! Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?
So is that it then? You and Alex, are you together? Boyfriend and girlfriend?
Yeah, Finn. We swapped friendship bracelets and then we went to the cinema and he touched me up. [To Abbey] Are you on community service?
[Walks up to pregnancy class director on laptop in community centre atrium] Quick thing. You know the girl who was here yesterday, the young one who was here on her own?
PCPregnancy class director
Tara?
Yeah. I need her address.
PCPregnancy class director
Tara? Oh, I can't give out personal details.
It's kind of important. I've got something that belongs to her.
PCPregnancy class director
Well, you can give it to me and I'll make sure she gets it.
Doesn't really work like that. Plus, I'd really like to give it to her myself.
PCPregnancy class director
Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you.
[Sitting back next to Finn] Wish she'd tell me where that girl lives. Maybe I should lock her in the boot of a car. Have you got a car?
Jess has got a car. A hatchback.
Well, what about the laptop?
Yes. Good. Steal the laptop, find the address, sell it on. Just need a distraction.
I'll take care of this. [Holds out hand straining]
Are you shitting yourself? Is that the distraction? 'Cause I'm not sure that's gonna work. [Tips over pregnancy class director's coffee cup spilling on her who runs out] Oh, my... that's your power? You can spill cups of tea?
No, it... It's telekinesis. It's not exclusive to tea.
[Picks up pregnancy class director's laptop] Let's go. [Walks to door just as Greg walks in]
Greg
[Walks up to Abbey] Where the fuck did that come from?
Greg
Did you... Did you have that before?
Oh, that. No. That's new. Went to do a shit and there was this girl in the toilet and she was really upset and she transferred her baby into me.
Greg
[Laughs] You think this is... funny? You see me laughing?
Greg
[Leans into Finn] Is this yours? Did you shoot your watery little spunk up her?
No. My watery little spunk hasn't been anywhere near her.
Greg
You. I need your full name.
Greg
You're not on the system. And if you're not on the system, then you don't exist.
Fine. I'm Abbey. Abbey Smith.
Greg
I will not allow anarchy and chaos to overtake my community centre.
[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?
Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?
Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?
He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.
We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.
Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.
Where is she? Where has she gone?
Greg
[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.
Is that the probation worker?
That was beautiful. You've got the voice of an angel.
Greg
What... W- What are you doing here? We really like karaoke. How about you?
I like... I like karaoke, too.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world. [Starts singing Don't You Want Me]
What happened to the baby?
Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?
So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.
That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.
Greg
[Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?
Greg
[To community servers washing off graffiti] What's this?! What's with the strange lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the... rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up with you lot?
Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.
He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and is never gonna shag him.
Well... I- I- let her... speak for herself, shall we, Jess?
And him... He's in love with a nun.
I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!
Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi... no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh?
Greg
[Walks up to Abbey] What about you, sweetcheeks?
I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection. I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it. Which makes me feel sad and... lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.
Greg
You take the pain... and you hang onto it. You bury it! Deep inside you! Do you feel it?! Do you feel it? 'Cause that's it. Feels like your guts are strangling your heart. Lap it up, it's good for the soul.
[In locker room] Oh... D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember. All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest with you, with all the soft hair, silky vaginas. [Chuckles] I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death. I've bailed mid-fuck.
You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
Yeah, there's a... Yes, there's a point. And the point is, and this is fucking heart-breaking, there are shitters and there are people that get shat on. I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me. You know, me heart's in little pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up?! [Finn walks away] And stop... Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not. Fuck's sake! Shut up!
You've gotta fight for her.
[Scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?"
I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it. I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex. It's a shame.
Really? [Softly] Is that true?
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no. You're right. You are both right and you're friggin' strange. [Claps hand, points up and runs away, turning to them] You have to fight for the nun you love... That's what's happening. [Leaves door] Whoa!
Greg
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
I've just... I'm... I'm- I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can't stop me, please, mate.
Greg
What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?
No, I'd crawl, man. I'd... dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, really, I would. [Sighs]
Greg
[Puts both hands on Rudy's shoulders] Hey. That's what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit. Naked? [Slides hands down off Rudy's arms] I should know. I was in love once. Didn't say anything, I was too scared. Lost them for ever. That's... That's a shame, man. Feel your pain, man. That's horrid. You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, [Slams hands past Rudy on door menacingly] OR SO HELP ME GOD, OR I WILL FUCK YOU TO KINGDOM COME!
Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this. [Clears throat starts inching along] Cor... Ohh... Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg. [Runs away]
Misfits · 556 quotes
