Abbey quotes from Misfits

Abbey

[Fatally stabs Killer White Rabbit Man with screwdriver after fighting with Rudy, Finn and Alex] I'm Abbey, by the way. So, are we all gonna go on somewhere for a drink? Cos this rabbit-slaying's thirsty work.

Abbey

I found out who I am. Guess what. I'm imaginary. [Rudy reaches over and feels Abbey's right breast]

Right, now then. [Points to an unresponsive Abbey on locker room floor] Prime example about the whole Nadine thing, right? Passed-out girl on the floor, good-looking girl, normally I... would be thinking... [crouches over Abbey's face] balls on face. But nothing.

Finn

Balls on face?

Yeah. Dude, but not in a bloody creepy way, mate. In a... you know, like... 'Ey, dude... let's put our balls on each other's faces. For banter, though. Funny. [Abbey wakes up and drinks a sip from a beer can] Yes! Respect, straight back on it.

Greg

[Walks in] Who the fuck are you?

Abbey

Abbey.

Greg

[To Finn] What's she doing here? Did you fuck her? Is that what happened?

Finn

No.

Greg

[Walks up to Finn and leans in] Did you fuck her in here? The smell of the sweat and the feel of the cold, hard tiles on your knees.

Finn

I didn't touch her.

Greg

Better not have. What's she doing?

Finn

She's on community service.

Greg

Well, n- no- one told me.

Abbey

Yeah, well, I'm telling you now.

Greg

[Puts hand behind Finn's head] You're responsible for her. If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I'll fuck you up all the way to fuck.

Finn

How is that fair?

Greg

You can start by cleaning the shit out of the community centre. [Leans into Abbey] Have fun.

Abbey

What's all that about?

That is our... that is our probation worker. He's bloody highly strung and he's very angry and I just think there's a lot of pain there, to be honest with you.

Abbey

Well, good look with it all.

Finn

What are you doing? You heard what he said, he's going to fuck me up all the way to fuck. And... I don't even know what that means, but it's not good.

Abbey

That's your problem.

Finn

Please just help us out for today. I- I'll sort something out, I'll get you out of it, I'll... I'll fake your death.

Abbey

Where do I get a jumpsuit?

Ah, yes.

Finn

[Opens locker to jumpsuit] Yes, there.

Oh, hello! Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?

Jess

Fuck off.

Finn

So is that it then? You and Alex, are you together? Boyfriend and girlfriend?

Jess

Yeah, Finn. We swapped friendship bracelets and then we went to the cinema and he touched me up. [To Abbey] Are you on community service?

Abbey

No. Just pretending.

Finn

Anyone fancy a drink?

I'm in. Let's drink to forget, drown me bloody sorrows.

Abbey

Just need a shit. I'll meet you down there.

Abbey

[Opens washroom stall to Tara] Sorry, are you using that?

I can't handle this. I can't even go to an antenatal class. How am I supposed to have a baby? I thought I could do it, but I can't.

Abbey

[Kneels down] Oh, it's a design fault. Why don't they give us bigger vaginas? I mean, how are you supposed to get something so big out of something so small? Apparently, they suck the life out of your tits, so, er, you can kiss them goodbye.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't...

Abbey

[Falls backwards and realizes she's instantly pregnant] What the fuck have you done to me?

I don't know. Um... I don't know. [Runs away]

Abbey

Wait!

Alex

Didn't think you'd come.

Jess

Why wouldn't I come? Oh, what, do you really think I'm that shallow?

Alex

Well, it must have been weird for you.

Jess

It's no big deal. All right, okay, it was a bit weird for both of us. I just know I don't wanna stop seeing you.

Alex

Look, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? It's not going to be like this for ever. I promise.

Jess

So, do I get some free drinks, then? Because if I'm not, what is the point in going out with a barman? [Scoffs]

I'd always thought I'd marry a girl called Nadine, man.

Abbey

So, guess what happened to me. Oh, my God. I know. It's totally fucked. I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power. Next thing, I'm pregnant, she's not. Tried to run after her, couldn't catch her. It's fucking heavy.

[Reaches over to touch her pregnancy bump] Can I... [Finn slaps Rudy's hand]

Abbey

All the times I've shagged people and never got pregnant. I go for a quiet dump and then this happens.

Finn

Well, what are you gonna do?

Abbey

Gonna find her and I'm gonna shove this baby right up her arse. [Laughs] Someone get me a vodka tonic. [Finn points to her abdomen] Whoa. You're kidding me. It... It's such bullshit. I'll have lemonade.

Abbey

[Walks up to pregnancy class director on laptop in community centre atrium] Quick thing. You know the girl who was here yesterday, the young one who was here on her own?

Tara?

Abbey

Yeah. I need her address.

Tara? Oh, I can't give out personal details.

Abbey

It's kind of important. I've got something that belongs to her.

Well, you can give it to me and I'll make sure she gets it.

Abbey

Doesn't really work like that. Plus, I'd really like to give it to her myself.

Look, I'm really sorry, but I can't help you.

Abbey

[Sitting back next to Finn] Wish she'd tell me where that girl lives. Maybe I should lock her in the boot of a car. Have you got a car?

Finn

Jess has got a car. A hatchback.

Abbey

I don't think she'd fit.

Finn

Well, what about the laptop?

Abbey

Yes. Good. Steal the laptop, find the address, sell it on. Just need a distraction.

Finn

I'll take care of this. [Holds out hand straining]

Abbey

Are you shitting yourself? Is that the distraction? 'Cause I'm not sure that's gonna work. [Tips over pregnancy class director's coffee cup spilling on her who runs out] Oh, my... that's your power? You can spill cups of tea?

Finn

No, it... It's telekinesis. It's not exclusive to tea.

Abbey

[Picks up pregnancy class director's laptop] Let's go. [Walks to door just as Greg walks in]

Greg

[Walks up to Abbey] Where the fuck did that come from?

Abbey

What?

Greg

Did you... Did you have that before?

Abbey

Oh, that. No. That's new. Went to do a shit and there was this girl in the toilet and she was really upset and she transferred her baby into me.

Greg

[Laughs] You think this is... funny? You see me laughing?

Finn

[Whispers] No.

Greg

[Leans into Finn] Is this yours? Did you shoot your watery little spunk up her?

Finn

No. My watery little spunk hasn't been anywhere near her.

Abbey

It's one of these flats up here. It's going up her arse.

Ha-ha. Hey, I had the most amazing dream about Nadine last night.

Abbey

[Feels baby kick in womb] Ow. He just kicked me.

Jess

How'd you know it's a him?

Abbey

I don't know, just feels like a him.

I'll tell you summat else Nadine said, and all.

Finn

No offence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?

What do you mean?

Finn

It's all you've gone on about all day. Nadine, Nadine, Nadine. It is really fucking boring.

Usually when I meet a girl, it's... it's just, it's all down here. It's dick-based. I mean, honestly, I tried putting on a bit of grot this morning. A bit of girl-on-girl. Scissoring, all that, just clear my mind a bit. So sweet. It's the first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I... I don't know where to find her, do I? Let's go shove a baby up a girl's arse, shall we?

Finn

Right, for fuck's sake. Abbey, come on!

Jess

[Following Jess] What are you doing?

Abbey

I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.

Abbey

You can't keep somebody else's baby.

Abbey

What, you don't think I can look after it?

Finn

No, to be honest with you, not really.

Jess

Why would you even want another woman's baby?

Abbey

[Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.

Jess

What, are you like an orphan?

Abbey

No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.

D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.

Abbey

Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat

Alex

[Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]

[To Alex and Jess] You all right?

Finn

Look at 'em. The happy couple.

Abbey

Just forget about her.

Finn

I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.

[To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?

Finn

What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?

Abbey

He's got both, like a worm?

Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.

Finn

Are you sure about this?

Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.

Finn

[Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?

Finn

Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?

Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.

Abbey

So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.

Finn

Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]

Come on, mate. Eh?

Greg

You. I need your full name.

Abbey

What for?

Greg

You're not on the system. And if you're not on the system, then you don't exist.

Abbey

Fine. I'm Abbey. Abbey Smith.

Greg

I will not allow anarchy and chaos to overtake my community centre.

Abbey

Probation worker's looking me up on the system.

Finn

But if you lost your memory, how do you know your name's Abby Smith?

Abbey

I don't. I just thought it sounded all right, so I went with that. Abby Smith. Abby s... Abby s... Abby Smith.

All the names in all the bloody world - you could have been Jasmine. G- Geraldine, you could have been. But, no, here... Here she is. Abby S... Smith, as well!

Why does she keep running off, then?

Finn

Because she's a girl. That's what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick. Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.

Well, fuck... What if it's that? Shit!

Abbey

Oi! Don't swear in front of the bump!

[See Nadine running up a hill across the lake] Come on, we need to follow her.

Finn

[Answers phone] Yeah? All right, just...

Jess

I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er... Something's going on with Alex. He is gonna try and get his cock back. I'm really worried what he's gonna do.

Finn

To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex. So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.

Jess

Why are you being such a prick?

Finn

Good luck with it, though, yeah? I hope you're happy together. Fuck. I've... I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude.

Wait. Is she shitting in the bushes? Why would she be shitting in the bushes?

Abbey

It's the werewolf thing, I told you.

Finn

Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar.

[Nadine appears in a nun's habit] What the f... ohh. Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.

Abbey

Ah. Yep. Looks like it.

Finn

I'm just gonna call her back.

What are the fucking chances? When was the last time you even saw a nun?

Finn

[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.

Jess

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?

Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?

Jess

Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?

Abbey

He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.

Jess

We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.

Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.

Alex

Where is she? Where has she gone?

Greg

[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.

Abbey

Is that the probation worker?

Abbey

That was beautiful. You've got the voice of an angel.

Greg

What... W- What are you doing here? We really like karaoke. How about you?

Finn

I like... I like karaoke, too.

Abbey

See you tomorrow, then.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world. [Starts singing Don't You Want Me]

Abbey

[Walks into community centre] Oh, yeah? So, what have you come to give me this time? Twins?

Look, I know what you might think of me. That I'm a shit mum, but... I got scared. I've really missed him.

Abbey

Too late. You didn't want him.

Jake. That's what I was gonna call him. I thought I couldn't do it, and I probably can't, but I've got to try. And since he's been gone, he's all I can think about. He is the only thing I've got.

Abbey

You'd better fucking look after him. If he grows up to be a pimp, a child molester or a probation worker, I will kick your arse.