Shaun quotes from Misfits

Shaun

[To Seth and Kelly hiding under floor] I reckon you've got about three seconds before I empty my gun into this floor. One... two... [cocks gun and trapdoor opens] Cosy down there, is it? Come on.

Curtis

It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?

Kelly

Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.

Simon

I... I don't think you should slap them.

Curtis

To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]

Kelly

Are you trying to say something, yeah?

Curtis

No.

Alisha

[Shaun appears from door] Who are you?

Shaun

I'm your new probation worker.

Alisha

What happened to the other one?

Shaun

Apparently she's missing or something. Now, I know this is where I'm supposed to make a big speech about you paying your debt to society and making a difference. But seriously, we've all got things we'd rather be doing. Going to see your mates? A little recreational drug use? Making love to your beautiful Italian girlfriend, yeah? I'm talking about me. Now, let's just get through it and get out of here, all right? [Walks away]

Curtis

That's different.

Curtis

[In main area of recreation centre filled with art enthusiasts] Who are they?

Shaun

It's an art therapy class.

Alisha

Er, you mean they're mentals?

Shaun

D'you want to say that a bit louder? I don't think the weird-looking one at the back heard you. Look, just try and treat them with some sensitivity and respect.

Nathan

[In recreation centre locker room] So, my mum opens the door and she's like, "Argh!" I'm like, "I'm immortal!" Then she fainted. Faceplants on the radiator. There's blood and teeth everywhere.

Kelly

Is she all right?

Nathan

Yeah, she's fine. She's fine. Apart from the whole face. Kinda put a downer on the whole thing.

Kelly

How did you explain it to your dad?

Nathan

I told him I faked my own death as part of an elaborate life insurance scam. He was not a happy man.

Shaun

[Walks in] Who are you?

Nathan

I could ask you the same thing.

Shaun

I'm the probation worker.

Nathan

Oh. [Offers handshake] Nathan. Nathan Young.

Shaun

They told me you were dead.

Nathan

Really? [Takes pulse on neck] Apparently not. Could a dead man do this? [Starts dancing and bumps into locker door] Oh! Jesus!

Shaun

Well, I'll put you back in the system.

Nathan

Hold on. What? Are you saying I was out of the system? I was a free man? If I didn't show up here, no-one would've come looking for me?

Shaun

We thought you were dead. [Walks away]

Curtis

You prick.

Simon

Lucy?

Alisha

Or it could be her. [Lucy flees]

Nathan

Hey!

Shaun

[Appears] I will see you tomorrow.

Nathan

[Goes up to Shaun's face] Yeah, good one. Very convincing.

Shaun

What?

Nathan

Kelly!

Kelly

[Ready to fight] You think you can dick around with us! [Punches Shaun who falls to floor] Change back into your fuckin' self! [Starts kicking Shaun]

Nathan

Kick her again! Kick her again! [Shaun grabs Nathan to floor and gets on top him choking him]

Shaun

Bastards!

Nathan

She's got me! Get her off me!

Simon

Let go!

Shaun

[Affected by Alisha touch] Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch!

Kelly

Get off him! [Knocks him out with fire extinguisher]

Simon

[Takes Shaun's pulse] She's dead.

Kelly

Oh, fuck.

Curtis

We've killed him!

Nathan

Look, you had to do it. She was going to kill me!

Curtis

You're immortal!

Simon

I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.

Nathan

There's no way that's actually the probation worker, right?

Alisha

I think it might be. [Simon turns to see Lucy in office window]

Nathan

Can we please stop killing our probation workers?!

Curtis

Wait!

Shaun

Right. I will see you tomorrow.

Nathan

Good one! Very convincing!

Curtis

[Gets time transported back and intercepts community servers approaching Shaun] It's not her!

Shaun

What? What's going on?

Simon

Nothing.

Shaun

You're obviously lying. But it's five o'clock and I couldn't give a shit. Have a good one! [Walks away]

Curtis

[After chasing Lucy into office] Where'd she go?

Simon

[Spotting a mouse] She's turned into a mouse!

Nathan

Get some cheese!

Kelly

Are you fuckin' serious?

Shaun

Right. Put all this shit in that skip.

Curtis

Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?

Shaun

Put all this shit in that skip, please.

Nathan

Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.

Shaun

I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [Leaves]

Kelly

Er, where are you going?

Shaun

For a coffee and a Danish.

Nathan

Smug bastard.

Ollie

[Appears in locker room] Hey.

Curtis

Who's the new guy?

Shaun

What's your name again?

Ollie

It's Ollie.

Shaun

Right. These are some other young offenders. He's going to be doing this Community Service thing with you lot.

Nathan

Are you saying he's like a new member of the gang?

Shaun

Whatever. Look, piss off and pick up some litter.

Simon

[Reading off back of game case] He's Jimmy Cisco. He spent ten years in prison for armed robbery. His lover and this crime boss, Conti, they double-crossed him on his wedding day.

Nathan

Hey, watch me run over this fat bloke. Run, fat boy, run! Oh, he's fucked up my car!

Simon

We need to play the game for real. If we give him his money, I think he'll let Kelly go.

Alisha

So, now all we need is a hundred grand.

Simon

We could a rob a bank.

Curtis

We'll need a car.

Nathan

Yeah, okay. Let's rob a bank.

Shaun

[Appears in door with arm on frame holding keys] What's that?

Simon

Nothing.

Shaun

Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.

Nathan

No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.

Shaun

Go and clean my car.

Nathan

I don't think cleaning your car was what they had in mind when they gave us Community Service!

Shaun

Well, I'm a member of the community and my car needs cleaning. And I don't give a shit.

Curtis

The man wants his car washed.

Nathan

[Mouths] What?

Alisha

He's giving us his keys so we can clean his car.

Curtis

For fuck's sake. [Walks up to Shaun and takes keys]

Nathan

[Community servers bundle into vehicle] We're stealing his car. Right, yeah, I get it. Let's go!

Nathan

[Observing Jessica while standing on chair in recreation centre main area with volunteers abuzz with Shaun walking by] Hey, you! Probation worker guy!

Shaun

Are you talking to me?

Nathan

No. I'm talking to the thousands of other probation workers. Look, who's she?

Shaun

[Walks up] She's organizing this charity run.

Nathan

Oh, is she?

Shaun

Oh, don't even think about it. She's not gonna be interested in a little prick like you.

Nathan

How do you know?

Shaun

'Cause I know women. I know what they like.

Nathan

Is that because you used to be one? [Shaun shoves Nathan to floor, smirks and walks away]

Shaun

Hey, you're not allowed to do that!

Alisha

[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!

Simon

What?

Alisha

What's going on with you and Jessica?

Simon

After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.

Alisha

You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]

Curtis

What was that?

Simon

They know about us.

Nathan

Who?

Simon

Everyone.

Kelly

What are you talking about?

Simon

There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.

Curtis

Bullshit.

Kelly

No way.

Alisha

Are you serious?

Nathan

Right. I think I might take a little peek.

Simon

Don't open the door.

Nathan

That is really quite a lot of reporters.

Kelly

How did they find out about us?

Nathan

What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!

Shaun

Yeah.

Curtis

You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.

Shaun

Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.

Kelly

You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!

Shaun

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Alisha

Like you give a shit.

Shaun

That's a good point. See you.

Curtis

Where you going?

Shaun

Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.

Kelly

Wanker!

Nathan

I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.

Alisha

What are they going to do to us?

Simon

They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.

Nathan

Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.

Kelly

What are we gonna do?

Simon

We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.

Curtis

I'm not loving the sound of that.

Nathan

Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.

There is an alternative.

Alisha

Who are you?

I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.

Rudy

[Walks up to Shaun at vending machine] You're not gonna ask about me limp?

Shaun

No.

Rudy

No, of course not! 'Cause that would just be doing your job, wouldn't it? I'm not sure you're cut out to be a probation worker, mate.

Shaun

Is that right?

Rudy

Yeah.

Shaun

When you're finished with the careers advice, you can piss off and pick up some litter with [referring to Tanya and Charlie] those other two shitheads.

Rudy

Right. [Shaun emasculatingly pats him on cheek and walks away, to Tanya and Charlie] Before... all the accusations, recriminations start flying around, before harmony turns to discord and everyone starts shouting and jabbing their fingers at each other, right, I just want to say for the record, hand on heart, the other hand on a Bible, that it wasn't absolutely wasn't me who left the big floater in the toilet back there.

Shaun

[Notices dog-shaped charity donation bin missing] The little bastards. [Slams Rudy's locker shut] Which one of you fuckers took the dog?

Rudy

What dog? Was there even a dog?

Shaun

The charity box, for the blind? The Labrador, retriever, whatever the fuck it was. Who nicked it?

Rudy

What? I don't know nothing about no dog, man. Was there... was there a dog? Where is there... a dog?

Shaun

[Pokes sign into Rudy's throat] Who took it?

Rudy

Right... I really hate to be a grass... but I did see that strangely intense girl with slightly inadequate breasts, she was carrying something heavy and dog-shaped over to her locker before...

Shaun

Which one?

Rudy

It's number 43. [Shaun uses fire extinguisher to bust open locker]

Rudy

[A cop car pulls up behind them] Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.

Simon

Whose car is it?

Rudy

Nicked it off a man with a perm. A man, with a perm. What's that about?

Kelly

We can't get caught in no nicked car. We're all on probation.

Rudy

Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love. [Skip to them all in the jumpsuits looking at Rudy] Honestly, guys... I thought they'd let you off with a warning.

Shaun

[Walks in clapping] That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.

Shaun

[Running alongside Mel on track circuit] D'you mind if I run with you?

Yeah, I do.

Shaun

[Mel completely ignores him] You, er, fancy going for a drink sometime? How about dinner? Hm? Please yourself. I'll catch you on the next lap, yeah? [Mel runs on from him]

[Approaches Emma] You look like you had a late one.

Emma

You'll never guess who I met last night.

Who?

Emma

Curtis Donovan. D'you remember him?Sprinting guy that got banned. It was a drugs thing.

Right. So what's he like?

Emma

Well, I thought he was cute. Then we went back to his...

By the time my ban's over, it'll be too late. No decent coach is gonna want to work with me. And all the guys I trained with, I was way better than them.

Emma

He was so negative about everything. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself!

Running's the only thing I was ever really... really good at. It was the only thing that made me feel good about myself.

Emma

It's like he blames everyone else for what's happened to him. I had to kiss him just to shut him up! I ended up giving him a sympathy shag.

What do you mean?

Emma

Big mistake. The guy is clueless. It was some of the worst sex I have ever had. [Laughs]

I have to warm down. [Walks away]