Pat quotes from Misfits

Pat

[To Dark Geoff lying on ground] He told me everything. All the flings. All the affairs. There's nothing you can say to hurt me. You come anywhere near my husband or my son again, and I'll kill you.

[Knocks on parent's door and lunges with fist as mother answers] Fuck you!

Pat

[Reacts in terror] Ah!

[Rudy jumps back] Oh! Mum!

Pat

What the hell are you doing?!

Oh. [Chuckles] Classic. Your face, then. Ah.

Pat

You scared the shit out of me.

Hilarious.

Pat

[Walking in hallway] I thought you'd gone mental again.

What do you mean, mental again?

Pat

I thought you were at work.

[Leading Rudy to kitchen] Yeah, I've got the day off. Fancied doing the garden.

Pat

Here he is.

Geoff

[Cutting up a banana in kitchen] All right, son?

All right, Dad?

Geoff

How's the rowing? I thought you were in Spain, at that training camp?

Yes, I was in Spain at the training camp. Do you know what, though? They said there was nothing more they could teach me, so I just rowed home.

Geoff

Oh, right.

Pat

From Spain?

No, bloody hell, don't be ridiculous. Like, I dunno, two thirds of the way.

Geoff

Do you want to stay for tea, son?

I'm not hungry. So, how are you, Dad?

Geoff

Oh, you know, keeping busy.

Oh, busy? Been busy? Busy doing what, exactly? What exactly are you busy doing, Dad?

Geoff

Are you all right?

Dad, I'm all right. I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. The question is, really, are you? Are you all right, Dad?

Geoff

Yeah. Are you? I'm fine, aye.

Pat

Rudy, what is it?

There's something I have to tell you, Mum, and it's killing me, all right?

Geoff

What is it, son?

I'm sorry. Oh, fuck off! You know! Don't make me say it, when you know!

Geoff

[Waves knife at Rudy] You're gay, aren't you?

Oh, my God.

Pat

It's okay. We've always suspected it.

Well, I'm not gay, so...

Pat

Well, there was all that trouble with the Boy Scouts.

Fucking hell! That was an experimental stage, weren't it? No one judged Isaac Newton when he were friggin' wanking on apples, did they? [Picks up an apple]

Pat

Yeah, well, apples aren't the same as 12-year-old boys.

Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum. And maybe that's why you never discovered the fucking... the laws of gravity.

Geoff

Well, you know, you never had a girlfriend, so we assumed...

That I was a big gay. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've had loads of birds. I'm disgusting, I'll do anything. I've... I've got a reputation as a total slag. Mum, I am quite the slut.

Pat

How come we've not met any of them, then?

Because, I am, erm... fuck it! I'm embarrassed of you both! Look at you both! Look at you right now! You are an embarrassment! I'm ashamed! Deep shame for the pair of you! [Takes and eats a banana piece]

Pat

Oh, thanks for those kind words. [They both laugh]

Fuck.

Pat

It's okay. We love you, just how you are. Look at you. You're so handsome. [Rubs back of Rudy's head] Get your good looks from his dad, doesn't he?

Geoff

Oh, you smooth talker, you.

[Eating dinner in dining room] Could I have some more mint sauce, please, Mum?

Pat

Haven't you got enough?

Well, you can never have enough mint sauce, really, can you, with lamb? Cheers... thanks, Mum. Cheers. [Pat leaves] What the frigging hell are you doing here?

Me and your dad had an agreement. We agreed to stay away from each other. And then someone who looks like me walks into the bank and clears my bank account. He broke the agreement. And now I'm breaking it, too.

What fucking agreem...? [Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Do you know... do you know what I'd really like with this, right now? It's gonna freak you out. Horseradish sauce.

Pat

What, with lamb?

I know! Please. Yes, please. It'd be awesome, cheers. It'd be nice, it'd be just... just... that's all. I'm just thinking, just to take the edge off the mint. You know what I mean? Cheers, Mum.

Pat

Okay.

Oh. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] Get out now, dickhead. I'm not going anywhere. Fuck. I'm very comfortable in the bosom of my family.

It isn't your family! Get the fuck out of my bosom, dickhead.

[Pat returns] Oh, here she is. Ooh, give me that, give me that. Mm. Oh, yeah.

Pat

Mustard? You won't be able to taste your food.

Yeah, well, good! 'Cause it's disgusting! It disgusts me!

Pat

Rudy? Don't be so rude.

Please, can I just have a little bit of mustard, please? Sorry, Mum. Cheers, Mum. Thank you. [Pat leaves, to Dark Geoff] You have got exactly three seconds to get out of this house, or I swear to God I will not be held responsible for my actions, boyo. One. Fucking two. Two and... and a half. Two and three quarters. Three. Dick. Don't you fucking touch my mum. Seriously. Don't you fucking touch my mum.

Oh, I'm gonna touch her. I am gonna fuck her brains out. And then I'm gonna take that pathetic excuse for a man she calls a husband and I'm gonna cave his fucking skull in.

My dad? What have you done with my dad?

I am your dad. If you say anything to your mum, I'll hurt her. I'll really hurt her.

Pat

It's so nice to finally meet one of Rudy's girlfriends. We thought he was gay.

Jess

Rudy? Gay? [Laughs] He's a total slag! Er... not... not a slag! I mean... I mean, he's lovely.

Pat

Oh, yes [They laugh]