Kelly Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Someone outside the family, right?

Uncle Otto

Actually, in Wanker County, no one's really "outside" the family.

Kelly

Uh, what about that boy Jimmy who works at the feed store?

Uncle Otto

Yeah, I think he's family.

Kelly

I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day?

Oh, yeah, the soup girl.

Kelly

The soap girl. S-O-P-E.

Kelly

I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al

Peg?

Peg

Well, it's her time of the month, Al.

Al

What the hell did we bring her for, then?

Bud

Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?

Kelly

Your mother.

Peg

You look like a fruit, Al.

Al

Thanks, Peg.

Bud

Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.

Kelly

Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?

Before you see a menu, would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?

Al

Coke.

Peggy

Coke.

Bud

Coke.

Kelly

Jack and a beer back.

Al

You're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.

Kelly

Daddy, I was eight years old.

Al

But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.

Bud

Come on, Kel. I did all your chores. I alphabetized all your albums. I even put an "Over One Million Served" sign on the wall above your bed. Now can I stay for your pajama party?

Kelly

No, pus bomb, you can't.

Kelly

Daddy, we don't have any food.

Al

My underwear has no elastic. (jerks a thumb at Peg): Take it up with June Cleaver over here.

Peg

So who died and made me mom?

Kelly

Bud, look at yourself. Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the kind of girls that would be willing to date you. I mean, maybe you're aiming too high. You know, a live girl. See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face. Aim a little lower. Hey, logs can't run away! And then there's the dead. You know, a girl who's been dead long enough might even think that you're a good catch. Hey, I know: how about a nice department store mannequin? I mean, they're used to being undressed by sexless boys.

Bud

Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo.

Kelly

They may call me bimbo, but at least they call me.

Kelly

Uh, Mom? Is this truly the end? 'Cuz, if it is, I'm not walking him.

Peg

Don't worry, honey. If Daddy the dog is anything like Daddy the man, he'll just tuck a newspaper under his paw and lock himself in a tree for an hour.

Kelly

I don't want to sit around the house all day and sleep. It's like being at school.

Al

No, the difference between here and school is, you'll be out of here when you're eighteen.

Bud

Look, Kel. Just do what I do: use your wits.

Kelly

I do.

Bud

I said, "wits". With a "W".

Kelly

Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely this evening.

Marcy

Why, thank you Kelly.

Kelly

Can you give me $175 so I can go to a rock concert?

Marcy

I wouldn't loan my own daughter $175. (to herself): Hopefully, I'll like her.

Peg

Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you: Mommy's friends are to loan Mommy money.

Peg

Kelly, I didn't want to say anything to the girls, but I saw you cheating. You know what you have to do.

Kelly

(sighs): Yes, Mommy. (beat): The usual 50%

Peg

Let's make it 60, just to teach you a lesson.

Peg

Kelly, can't your dates just honk the horn like they did in my day?

Kelly

Hey look, it's Buck!

Peg

Didn't he go camping with the boys?

Kelly

(notices the letter) He's carrying something in his mouth.

Peg

I guess he'll give it to us when he's good and ready.

Al

What can I do better than anyone else?

Kelly

Stink up a shoe?

Bud

Sweat through the couch?

Peg

Miss the toilet in the dark?