Kelly Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Kelly

Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?

Kelly

I didn't get any.

Al

Kelly, get back in the car.

Bud

Hi, Mom.

Peg

Hi, Kelly.

Kelly

Hi, Mom.

Peg

Hi, Bud.

Al

Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.

Peg

I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?

Al

Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?

Peg

Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?

Al

Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.

Peg

I want a Cadillac.

Kelly

I want a Ferrari.

Bud

I want a Porsche.

Al

Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.

Bud

Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.

Al

If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]

Peg

Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Bud

Five bowls a-flushing?

Peg

Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Kelly

Three nose hairs waving?

Bud

Two children starving?

Peg

One untouched wife.

Al

Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?

Bud

Money. I can always rent love.

Al

Kelly, what's the color of an orange?

Kelly

Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

Peg

Al, just call a roofer.

Al

There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?

Bud

Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.

Kelly

Chew Dad's socks!

Bud

Eat Mom's food!

Kelly

So, how'd it go?

Bud

Ah, he's still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom.

Kelly

You mean to tell me he didn't react at all to the picture of you naked? 'Cuz just the thought of it would work for me.

Peggy

Just wait till I remember one of your birthdays!

Kelly

Mine's in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Bud

And an empty one.

Kelly

Bud, what do you think? Would this make a great yearbook photo?

Bud

I don't know, Kel. (turns her around): If you really want people to remember you, you might want to try this (moves the picture frame below her neck, stopping at her breasts and midriff): Now, all we do is add some fingerprints, and voila: every man's memory.

Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Reuben?

Kelly

Well, we both like boys.

Kelly

Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.

Marcy

Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.

Kelly

Me? They canned him like a tuna. He was not the one wearing a miniskirt!

Bud

The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.

Kelly

Until he goes to sleep.

Bud

Fly.

Kelly

Tapeworm.

Bud

Oh, man! It feels like I died and went to Dad's happy corner in the basement.

Kelly

I beg of you, Pepe Le Pew. Keep your urges and your odor in check.

Jefferson

I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.

Kelly

Bye, Daddy.

Peg

No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.

Marcy

Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.

I did not know Kelly had a sister.

Peg

He's OK by me!

This must be Mr. Bundy.

Hello, Harry Ashland, I am an alderman.

Kelly

That's a priest, Daddy.

No, an alderman is more like a city councilman.

Kelly

Oh. Then how come you wanted me to call you Father?