Bud Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Bud

Okay, Kel, here's another one. You're walking down the street, and an old man with a dollar pulls up beside you. You a) Ignore him and keep walking, b) Call the police, or (suggestively): c) Do what you usually do?

Bud

"Anything Goes". That's your song, isn't it, Kel?

Bud

You can't win. You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!

Bud

The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

Bud

Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.

Bud

[Bud walks in to find Kelly putting out the fire on the remains of the sofa] Whos going to tell mom about this? Oh wait, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

Bud

Boondy, Al Boondy.

Kelly

Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!

Bud

Die, commie bimbo!

Peggy

Now, Bud! I thought we talked about this before.

Bud

What's that, Mom?

Peggy

You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. You remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it; nobody thinks it's funny, so cut it out, okay?

Bud

Sure, Mom.

Peggy

Now, go to school.

Kelly

[to Bud as they walk out] I *hate* you!

Bud

Good!

Marcy

Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.

Bud

Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Al

[examining the bill] Let’s see what else we have here. Sports hotline, sports hotline, sports hotline, those are ok. Wait a second, wait. Vancouver $80. Kelly?

Kelly

Oh, sure, all eyes turn to me. Well, let me ask you this. If I did know somebody in Vancouver, don’t you think I’d be living with them and not here?

Al

True enough. Bud?

Bud

America First, Dad.

Al

[starts to get up] How 'bout it, Peg? Your mother gotten so fat she's spread across the border?

Peggy

Al, I did not call Vancouver. And Mom is down to nearly 200.

Al

Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.

Bud

That's my bike. I reported it stolen.

Al

Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Bud

What's wrong, Kel? Are the contractions coming five minutes apart?

Kelly

What's wrong, Bud? Puberty five years away?

Peg

Kelly's not the problem, Bud. She has moved up to a good, solid "D." Now, you're the one who's in trouble. We went to your school and saw your social studies report. You know, "Brazil: Land of Rubber and Sunshine"? (holds up a poster-sized photo of Kelly watering the backyard in a bikini with the word "Brazil" posted over it and a paper cutout sun): Would you care to explain this picture of your sister in a bikini?

Bud

Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil. So, how'd I do?

Peg

Much like your father in life, you failed.

Bud

Did you hear any noises last night, Mom?

Peg

Well, your father had gas.

Bud

No, these were noises I've never heard before.

Kelly

Well, it could have been a girl moaning your name.

Bud

Did you hear any noises last night, Dad?

Al

Ah, it was probably me sobbing.