Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Jefferson

I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?

Al

Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

So, where you headed, pal?

Al

Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.

Oh, L.A.!

Al

Hey pal, you want to hear about a real jackass? See, I have this neighbor, Jefferson, who is a real doormat to his wife. Why just the other day he...

Al

AUGH! Oh, I mean there are so many guys named Jefferson...

Jefferson

No worries Al, I am leaving Marcy.

Al

Really?? How come?

Jefferson

It was the baby convention that did it. All those swollen bellies and screaming infants proved too much for me.

Beer! Candy! Forged backgrounds!

Al

How much would it be to get a background of a retired NFL player?

$200.

Al

Rats, too expensive! What can I get for $1?

The background of a shoe salesman from Illinois.

Al

Just give me some gum. Waitress departs I do not need a forged background; I can invent my own. My new name will be...Al unwraps gum...Bazooka Joe!

Jefferson

Good one. I can reinvent myself as...Jefferson looks at beer can...Anheuser Busch!

Al

That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.

Bud

You mean Grandpa Hook?

Al

Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!

Peg

It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

Al

One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al

Ah, must be that new wife I ordered from Ukraine.

Jefferson

Marcy and I had a fight and she threw me out. Can I stay here?

Al

When I built my own room; I meant it for me.

Jefferson

Please, Al?

Al

All right, one night. But tell no one.

Bud

Dad, you got a minute?

Al

For you, Bud? Nah.

Bud

I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?

Al

Mommy's second little joke on me?

Bud

The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.

Al

Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...

Bud

That's Grandmaster, you fool!

Al

Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street. [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] Yo, I'm broke!

Bud

The Grandmaster will not forget this.

Jefferson

Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter hustle p...

Al

Say goodnight, Super Fly.

Kelly

[comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?

Al

Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

Al

I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.

Jefferson

That's Fidel Castro.

Al

How long was I out?

Kelly

Six hours.

Al

Why didn't you call 911?

Kelly

I couldn't remember the number.

Al

Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...

Bud

Repulsed by you?

Kelly

Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al

No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?

Kelly

Do you think he's crazy?

Bud

He must be. He didn't ask about you.

I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.

Al

Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.

You'll be hearing from my attorney!

Al

Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?

Peg

[reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."

Al

Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!

Peg

"And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.

Peg

Come on, Al. Share with us what you care about.

Al

"I Care," by Al Bundy

Peg

...And if you really want a scare

Bud

Dad...

Al

Go away.

Bud

This isn't about money.

Al

Go away anyway.

Bud

Dad, will you stop and listen to me.

Al

All right, what?

Bud

Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday, the 30th. Can we? Please?

Al

Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.