Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

"Look, It's a Wheel"?

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Al, Kelly's been stood up.

Must bring back memories for you, huh, Peg? Anyway, I was driving home -- God knows why -- and I hear this old song on the radio that I used to love, but I can't remember the name. Now, why is it whenever a song comes on the radio, and you're waiting to hear them name it, it's always number 6 of 40 in a row?

Well, stick with it, honey. You figured out how to flush the toilet; you'll figure this one out.

This is a burning question of our time, and I will not have it trivialized by a woman who thinks the TV show "Hunter" is engrossing. (as he's walking over to the fridge to get a beer): Anyhow, the DJ finally comes on, and, instead of telling me the name of my song, what does he do? Goes on and on about some massive pile-up on the freeway. (in a whiny voice): "Twelve dead, twelve dead." (normal voice): Then he kicks off about 500 in a row, with Bobby Goldsboro's musical sphincter lock known as "Honey."

Kelly (horrified): Oh, God. This is what it's like being home on a Friday night?

(Bud nods)

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Well, honey, we're finally alone. I know what will take your mind off that record for a minute - You could make love to me 4 times!

Peg, when I said I was after an oldie, I meant but a goodie.

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Al, must we be the spitbucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need professional help. So why don't you call the oldies station - K-FOSSIL - and ask the D.J.?

I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.

Gee, Rick Cool huh? Did Bobby 23 Skidoo quit?

Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.

He said, "The colors. The colors. Has anyone seen my good friend, John," then he lit up a banana and hung up.

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Bud, Bud, come here. Now, listen to this very carefully and tell me the name of the song... "Mmm Mmm him".

I don't know what it is Dad, but if you get the name, me and the gang would sure like to boogie to it!

Get out of my way. (Al pushes Bud aside and sits between Peg and Kelly) Peg, Peg, you're old, you know it... "Mmm Mmm him".

Clip your nose hairs, Al. When you were humming it looked like a squid was trying to reach out and grab the kids.

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Dad, I won a contest! I get to fly to the District of Columbia where I will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States!

My boy going to meet the President! What a concept. Son, bring me back some of that presidential toilet paper. I bet that stuff is the best. Oh, and you know that woman he is always with...what's her name, Mrs. President? She seems like a nice lady. Get her to make a home-cooked meal for you to take back for me.

Bud rolls eyes

Uh, sure Dad. I will remember. All I need is $100 to cover taxes and travel expenses.

$100?! Why for that kind of money we could get the President to come here!

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Well, at least it's over.

Oh, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over!

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Kelly

Daddy, you notice there weren't any garbage cans outside?

Well, a lot of places these days are into recycling, honey.

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Well, at least it's over.

Ah, no, Peg, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over! (to the police): What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys?

Officer Dan

Same thing every night: Weenie Tots.

Al (holding out his wrists so he can be cuffed): Book me.

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Marcy

When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.

I didn't steal your bra.

S5 E19 Kids! Whaddya Gonna Do?

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Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones. You know, with names almost like real products. Like our "Frigi-Door" refrigerator, our R-C-Hey TV...

Or my "beauty-fool" wife.

S5 E21 You Better Shop Around: Part 1

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Jefferson

Drop dead!