Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Al

Ah, Peg, you were great last night. You did the one thing that many husbands want their wives to do: you were asleep when I came home and you were out of bed when I woke up. Is there anything I can do for you?

Peg

You can stop eating beans before bed.

Al

Someone outside the family, right?

Uncle Otto

Actually, in Wanker County, no one's really "outside" the family.

Kelly

Uh, what about that boy Jimmy who works at the feed store?

Uncle Otto

Yeah, I think he's family.

Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?

Al

Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?

Steve

Okay. We've cleaned out your garage, your backyard, and your attic. So tomorrow you're gonna help me clean out our garage, right Al?

Al

One second...(he puts the box on the table) No.

They don't fit and your ad says we fit every foot.

Al

Yes ma'am, but what our problem is what we're dealing with is not what Webster meant by feet. Now let's face it girls, what we got here are rib roast with nails. Now what I suggest is surrounding your toosties with those brown potatoes, wrapped in foil and served with dry white.

Peg

[thinking] Poor Al. He's having such a miserable day. Gee, I hope he doesn't realize this jacket cost $200

Al

[thinking] My record is going to hell. No one will remember me, and my wife is wearing a $200 jacket.

Kelly

I didn't ask to be here, and I didn't ask to be born.

Al

Peg?

Peg

Well, it's her time of the month, Al.

Al

What the hell did we bring her for, then?

Bud

Squeak through another month, eh, Kel?

Kelly

Your mother.

Al

We don't need the lottery. We have each other.

Peg

I want the lottery.

Peg

I swear that he is more in love with that toilet than he is with me.

Marcy

Oh, of course he is not.

Al

Hey, Peg [hugs the toilet]. Daddy loves you. Daddy loves you.

Peg

What does that toilet have that I don't?

Al

A job.

Bud

Where's Dad?

Peggy

In the bathroom breaking in his new toilet.

Peggy

[Al walks in the living room and sits on the couch] How was it, honey?

Al

I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated. This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

Peggy

Aww, honey. Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?

Al

No thanks, Peg. It'll take more than raw poultry to fix what's wrong with me. [Al turns on TV]

And now back to the rest of ABC's lineup, Roseanne and the Emmy winning Thirtysomething.

Al

Why did we buy a house with only one bathroom?

Peggy

Because all the other houses in our price range were on fire. Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.

Al

Well, we all have our disappointments. I have to sleep with mine.

Peggy

Is that its new name?

Al

Bud, did you take my adjustable wrenches?

Bud

(in a sarcastic tone) Yeah, Dad. You're on to me. We've been having these wild parties. Y'know, invite some girls over, turn the lights down low, and gang-fix the sink.

Peggy

Steve and Marcy throw a nice party, don't they?

Al

Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much. Bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me.

Peggy

Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone.

Al

I don't tell anyone when I do it here! But you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up!

Peggy

You know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their hooters!"

I feel very strong vibrations here.

Al

[to Peg] Did you leave your toy running under the couch again?

Peg

No, it's in the shop getting turbo charged.

Peg

You look like a fruit, Al.

Al

Thanks, Peg.

Bud

Pretty cool, Dad. You have that "no closet can hold me" look.

Kelly

Leave Dad alone, you guys. (to Al): You're still going to wear men's clothing, aren't you?