A character in Married... with Children
Played by Ed O'Neill
Married... with Children · 613 quotes
Most-quoted character in Married... with Children: in 412 of its 613 quotes
Most scenes with: Peg (113), Bud Bundy (46), Kelly Bundy (37)
All of Al's friends have perms
AlCome on, guys! Lets go out and find a fire hydrant, stick our heads in the hole and wash the gay away!
Outside, without our hair nets?
AlAnd move fast! After that, none of us care how long it takes and spare no expense, but we find ourselves a barber!
AlHey, kids, whaddya say? You wanna go out for a nice dinner tomorrow?
We wanna see Tears and Vomit.
AlWell, you see that when your mom cooks.
AlI forgot my wallet, Peg.
He's such a nerd.
Now, kids, give your father a chance. (To Al) So, what are your going to do, idiot?
How long do you think it will take them?
AlWell, it took us 40 minutes to get here one way & knowing how Kelly drives, they should be there & back in about 8 minutes.
Before you see a menu, would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?
AlCoke.
Coke.
Coke.
Jack and a beer back.
What's wrong with you getting a second job?
AlPeg, let me state this as clearly as I can. I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener. I would rather bob for apples in a sewer. I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose before I get another job to pay for your shopping.
Get with the program, Bundy. You're a disgrace to the hat. Aw, clean your station.
AlMarry a redhead.
Al deduces what the reason for Peggy's big checks are
AlPeg, why did you not sell the cosmetics?
Well, my friends decided they were not as good as other cosmetics.
AlOK, fine. So why in the world would you buy off yourself?
To get the commission checks!
Al gives strained look of rage
AlYou see Peg, when you buy off yourself you get less coming in than what you owe. In the shoe business lingo we call that...SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! How much do you owe?
Peg{sheepishly}: Minus the commission checks?
AlYes, Peg.
$627.
Al{sternly}: Well, looks like we will have to keep up the part-time job until the debt is retired.
Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray
Did not make the noise, Bundy!
Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al
Peg{on microphone}: Whoosh!
AlPeg, let me explain something. Since you're the only one buying the cosmetics, you're not actually making any money.
Oh, yes I am! They send me checks!
AlAh, yes. But you send them much bigger ones. And in business, that's that we call... SENDING YOUR HUSBAND ROCKETING TO THE POORHOUSE! Why didn't you sell any makeup, Peg?
Well, like I told the girls... it's not very good.
AlWell, then why did you keep buying it?
'Cause that's how I make my money!
Al gives a strained look of rage, wiping away a tear.
AlHow much do we owe for the cosmetics, Peg?
(naively) Minus my commission?
AlYes.
...$623.
Al(sighs) Well, at least you're not in real estate. (gets up)
Where are you going?
AlWe owe a lot of money, Peg. I know what I have to do...
Scene shifts to Burger Trek. An improperly-wrapped hamburger is sent out a chute to a customer's tray.
You didn't make the noise, Bundy!
Kitchen. Peg is now working at Burger Trek instead of Al.
(to microphone) Whoosh!
AlOkay, Peg, what do we got? The Terminator? The Predator? (Peg hands Al the tape): Oh, Heavenly Dog? Peg, I wanted Schwarzenegger.
I did too, Al. But I got you, and you got Beta.
[Al and Peg are going outside to sleep.]
Oh, no, Al! It's raining!
AlGood. I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown.
[Kelly tells Al about her upcoming slumber party.]
AlYou're not having a slumber party. I'm still having flashbacks from the last one you had.
Daddy, I was eight years old.
AlBut the judge wanted to try you as an adult.
So I let the plumber in over at Steve and Marcy's house.
Al (sarcastically): Oh, they'll be so happy. (drops the sarcasm): By the way, did you know their house is gone?
Peg (confused): What do you mean, "gone"?
AlGone. Like my hopes, my dreams, my future.
Peg (finally understanding what he means): Oh, you mean "gone". (gets up to look out the door window): It can't be gone. (looks outside): Al, Steve and Marcy's house is gone!
AlNothing gets by you, does it, Peg? Except a house!
AlPeg, I don't like going to your mother's. I see how she looks at me: like I was between two pieces of bread. We all know what happened to her dog.
They never proved that.
Daddy, we don't have any food.
AlMy underwear has no elastic. (jerks a thumb at Peg): Take it up with June Cleaver over here.
So who died and made me mom?
PegKathleen Freeman · 176 quotes
Kelly BundyChristina Applegate · 113 quotes
Bud BundyDavid Faustino · 109 quotes
Marcy Rhoades-D'ArcyAmanda Bearse · 62 quotes
Steve RhoadesDavid Garrison · 34 quotes
Peggy BundyKatey Sagal · 31 quotes
Jefferson D'ArcyTed McGinley · 29 quotes
Officer DanDan Tullis Jr. · 6 quotes
GriffHarold Sylvester · 5 quotes
AngelSam Kinison · 3 quotes
BBuck3 quotes
Dr. KesslerJD Cullum · 3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.