Al Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

Is it dead, Al?

Al

It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.

Peg

Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?

Al

Nah, now it's personal.

Peg

Is it dead, Al?

Al

It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.

Peg

Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?

Al

Nah, now it's personal. Not only will I catch this mouse, I'll torture it. I'll smack him around. I'll throw it against the wall. And, if there's any life left in its twitching, little body, I'll strap it to a chair, tape its eyelids open, and make it watch Thirtysomething.

Bud

Did you hear any noises last night, Dad?

Al

Ah, it was probably me sobbing.

Al

Well, that takes care of that. The traps are set, and that mouse has seconds to live. So as usual, it proves that Daddy's life is dirt, and he's defeated the enemy.

Bud

Don't be too sure, Dad. It says right here mice are pretty intelligent.

Al

Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.

Al

Mine's at least twice that size.

Peggy

Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.

Al

Why are you so afraid of a little mouse anyway?

Peggy

Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother and I kept it in my room. I slept with it, and snuggled it, and kissed it. Then one day it got sick.

Al

And still you go on kissing others.

Peggy

Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher, and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?". She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up. And then all the kids threw up. And then they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face / Worms in your hair / Where's the little mouse girl? / There, there, there". (She points)

Peggy

(hurt) Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.

Al

Well kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she has cooties.

Al

Everyone said no?

Peg

No. Everyone said, "Get lost, deadbeat."

Al

You know, the sad part about this is I lied about my income.

Steve

So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?

Al

If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

Steve

I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.

Al

Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

I need shoes!

Al

Yeah, the blacksmith's around the corner.

Bud

Hey, Dad. Report Card day!

Bud

I got four A's and a B. But enough about me. [he turns to Kelly] Batter up.

Kelly

I err...I lost it.

Bud

Well... [Takes report card out of pocket] This is your lucky day [he holds up the card] 'cause I found it. Must have fallen out of your purse and accidentally gotten taped under your bed.

Bud

How'd she do?

Al

Uh, erm... F, F, F, D. What happened, Kel, you attend one?

Al

Are you gonna take my advice?

Marcy

[defeated] Yes.

Al

Okay, Marcy. The first time you tried, was the light on?

Marcy

Yes?

Al

There ya go: he saw ya.

Are you ready for the final challenge, Steve?

Al

What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impail me on a fence? Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!

Ok Steve, you and Marcy are going up against an old married couple who may not love each other as much as you and your bride. As always we picked them from our studio audience for the way they filled out our questionnaire: Why I Hate My Spouse. From right here in the windy city. He's a shoe salesman. She's a waste of a human life. Married for 16 years meet Al and Peggy Bundy.

How'ya doing down there, Steve?

Al

I can taste my spleen.

Steve

So, what are you gonna do with the money, Al?

Al

What I always knew I would.

Peggy

Al, I heard a strange sound. What is it?

Al

Family, I have an announcement. I have money.

Uncle Otto

You're not good enough for our family.

Al

Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.