Got-dangit Hank, I'm having an infarction!
S2 E13Snow Job
Buck has been hospitalized. Hank and the four Strickland branch managers visit him
BBuck
Listen up, we are a family, and the daddy ain't feeling so good. Ladies, I got a shot coming. If you girls would please step outside? It is rude for such pretty gals like you to have to see my bare bottom.
Female managers giggle and depart
BBuck
OK, now that the skirts are out in the hallway we can get down to business. Hank, you are my right hand man, and I need you to take on this important job.
Yes, sir?
BBuck
I need you to feed my hounds.
Uh, sir?
BBuck
Tell them that you will love them! Vickers, you run the company, whole shebang.
VVickers
Yes, sir!
BBuck
Let's see what that fancy business school degree of yours is worth.
Sir, I fail to see what a business degree has over my 15 years of service to Strickland Propane!
BBuck
I let you light the torch, didn't I? Right now my hounds are starving!
S2 E14I Remember Mono
Am I supposed to kill this pig?
S2 E15Three Days at the Kahndo
Here's key. Lock little sticky. You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.
This is a car key.
Yeah, you win new car. This big game show. Just rake it stupid.
JJudge
You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.
But if the key does fit then you must acquit--.
JJudge
10,000 pesos. Baliff, confiscate their identification.
Now just follow my lead and play it cool.
What if they find Kahn?
If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.
Distilled water?
(chuckling): No. And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper...and privacy.
Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.
Then let me do the talking.
BGBorder Guard
Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?
(voice breaking): Arlen, Texas.
BGBorder Guard
I've been to Arlen. Nice town.
Run!
I think we lost them. We'll be okay.
Okay?! We're screwed!
No, we're American. We got to find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.
KKahn
Why you want to call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.
Illegally? No! America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.
We have no choice, Hank. The I.N.S. had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail!
S2 E16Traffic Jam
[last lines]
Hello, I'm Hank Hill.
RRoger
And I'm Roger Sack.
Tonight's episode dealt with racial stereotypes, particularly the myth that white people do not have butts.
RRoger
And as you can see from the man standing next to me, that is simply not true.
S2 E17Hank's Dirty Laundry
It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.
SCStore Clerk
Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.
I've never even heard of that. Have you?
Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?
Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.
Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?
Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.
So you've seen it?
No.
How about you, Luanne?
(shakes her head "no")
Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.
No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
SCStore Clerk
I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
SCStore Clerk
I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?
(sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.
Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?
SCStore Clerk
Make a left.
Okay. (realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror) BWAHHHHH!
Nancy and John Redcorn happen to be at the video store, and see him run out, and shake their heads in disapproval. Hank shields his face and shakes his head in shame.
Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...
Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as... "the Beast".
Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?
(phone rings) Strickland Propane. "Taste the meat, not the heat."
MMatt
Hank?
Speaking.
MMatt
How ya doin'? It's Matt.
Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?
MMatt
Pretty good. Pretty good.
Uh-huh.
MMatt
So, how's, uh, Peggy?
Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?
MMatt
Hank, if you like "Cuffs & Collars", you're gonna love "Rugburn", Too and by "Rugburn", Too I mean "Rugburn" also. "Rugburn II" isn't very good.
What?! But, who is this?!
MMatt
You know, Matt, from "Consenting Adults", the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?
ZERO! God, please, watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line! How did you get this number?
MMatt
Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, (Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps), who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.
S2 E18The Final Shinsult
[cackles] That's a good one, baby cakes!
S2 E19Leanne's Saga
Mama got outta prison! (runs to the garage)
(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!
No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!
Uh...she's coming here?
Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)
I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!
Whoa.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.