Dale Gribble quotes from King of the Hill

Mr. Kahn, I'll have a Mai Tai.

(offended) What- what you think?! I work for Hank?!

Hank Hill

Uh, dad, this here's my new neighbor.

Dale Gribble

(sotto, to Cotton) He's Japanese.

No he ain't. (visually inspects Kahn for a moment) He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?

Dale Gribble

Joseph, I understand you smoked your first cigarette today.

Joseph Gribble

Dad, I'm sorry! I'll never smoke again.

Dale Gribble

Whoa, hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry!

Hank Hill

[After just noticing Dale] DALE!

Dale Gribble

Oh, man!

Hank Hill

Dale, you went too far this time! Come back here! [Starts chasing Dale] Come here! I'm gonna kick your ass!

Dale Gribble

No! NO!

Hank Hill

I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come over here!

Dale Gribble

[desperate] You shouldn't have fired me! You know what I'm like! I'm capable of any crazy thing!

Hank Hill

But my lawn, Dale! You don't mess with a man's LAWN!

Dale Gribble

I had no choice! I tried planting the ants in your driveway, but they didn't take! They couldn't bite through cement! They're weak, like me! [Wheezes]

Hank Hill

(remorseful) Oh... oh, God. You sacrificed your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn... What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even...

Dale Gribble

While I was blacked out, was anything inserted into me?

Hank Hill

(relieved) You're alive?

Dale Gribble

...answer the question.

Hank

Dale, the NRA is a Washington DC based organization. Are you telling me you support Washington D.C.?!

Dale

*pause* THAT'S a thinker...

Dale Gribble

This tornado's already registered a level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open.

Bobby Hill

What about a level three, Mr. Gribble?

Dale Gribble

A level three tornado will blow an egg right through a brick wall. Twister chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge."

Bobby Hill

This is the chance I've been waiting for!

Hank

You're tough, Bill. You're the toughest Army barber I know.

Dale

Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.

Hank

Dale, you giblet-head, if you were gonna cheat, why'd you buy a frozen bass?

Dale

I had a coupon.

You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.

Dale Gribble

But if the key does fit then you must acquit--.

10,000 pesos. Baliff, confiscate their identification.

Dale

Now just follow my lead and play it cool.

Hank

What if they find Kahn?

Dale

If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do, we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet of moldy bread and warm water.

Hank

Distilled water?

Dale

(chuckling): No. And of course there is a total lack of toilet paper...and privacy.

Hank

Oh, God, I can't go while people watch.

Dale

Then let me do the talking.

Morning. Where are you gentlemen from?

Dale

(voice breaking): Arlen, Texas.

I've been to Arlen. Nice town.

Dale

Run!

Hank

I think we lost them. We'll be okay.

Dale

Okay?! We're screwed!

Hank

No, we're American. We got to find a pay phone and hope Ross Perot's 800 number's still working.

Why you want to call that nut for? Border right there. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.

Hank

Illegally? No! America is my country and I love her. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.

Dale

We have no choice, Hank. The I.N.S. had their cameras trained on us. The border guards think we're smugglers. I'm too pretty to go to jail!

Hank Hill

Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.

Dale Gribble

(spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.

Bill Dauterive

Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.

Boomhauer

I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"

Hank Hill

Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.

Bill Dauterive

AAAAOW! OHH!! My foot! I think it's broken!

Hank Hill

Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.

Bill Dauterive

No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.

Hank Hill

Don't be silly. Just let me - (tries to remove Bill's shoe) What the...?

Bill Dauterive

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

Dale Gribble

I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.

Bill Dauterive

It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. "Quick working" my ass.

Hank Hill

What did the doctor say?

Bill Dauterive

The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.

Hank Hill

You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.

Bill Dauterive

Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.

Peggy Hill

Excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.

Dale Gribble

Poor Peggy; she's dead.

Peggy Hill

Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you don't know how to return even a fraction of the love you get from your child - or from your man! I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.

You don't know me, I am unknowable.

The law says that if we catch someone doing drugs on the job, we can fire him. So here is what you do: Put on your best suit, hop a Greyhound to Dallas, buy every pill, pipe, and powder you can, then return here and spread the stuff around like roach traps. We will get that boy hooked again!

Hank Hill

All due respect, sir, I have a better plan.

Anthony Page

Hello Mr. Hill, I came as fast as I could. From the tone of your phone call it sounded like you had fallen victim to some kind of disability. Tell me all about it.

Hank

Yes, I too have realized I suffer from a disability. It is known as GWS, or Good Worker Syndrome. I believe doing a full day's work and giving 110%, and get sick to my stomach I don't see everybody else doing the same. The symptoms include pride, enthusiasm, and a feverish devotion to duty. Used to be a common condition among Americans.

Anthony

Ugh! People like you who game the system make it hard for the rest of us, the truly disabled. Anthony holds up hand to show he is wearing a wrist brace, likely associated with carpal tunnel I am leaving. Call me if you gives you any more trouble, Leon.

Don't call me Leon any more. That was the name I used drugs with. From now on, I want to be known as...Hank Hill.

Hank Hill

What?! No, that is going too far; I cannot accommodate that.

Anthony

It is not up to you, Hank, it is up to "Hank". This man is not your slave, you do not get to name him!

Hank

I hate to do this but you leave me no choice. Sir, I quit!

What do I do now?

Hot dang, Hank, you have done it!

Why, thank you sir.

Not you, you are fired. Leon gasps, as does Anthony, who is now powerless. Buck turns on lights OK, listen up everyone. Strickland is now small enough to skirt the law. Y'all get back to work this instant or you are fired. Loafing employees get themselves in gear; including Debbie, whose rear end was facing everyone when she was lying on a couch Oh no, not you Debbie. Your job is to stay right where you are.

Bobby, I need a soda!

Bobby

Yes, Mr. Witchard.

Not that way! Just run across.

Bobby

But the track?!

Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!

Bobby

They're going too fast!

Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!

Hank

What the hell?! BOBBY NO! (Hank restrains Bobby.) What are you doing?

Bobby

I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.

Hank

That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?

Bobby

I'm giving 110%, Dad.

Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

There's a crazy man on the track!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!

You're up!

Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!

Ah! (laughing) You can't get me!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!! (breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)

(screams as Hank kicks his ass)