Dale Gribble quotes from King of the Hill

Dale Gribble

Find the body yet, Quincy?

We have some remains that we're analyzing, you needn't concern yourself.

Dale Gribble

Oh, I needn't, shouldn't I? And maybe I should not know that all Mega Lo Mart employees have a five thousand dollar insurance policy.

That's nonsense. This is a very straightforward investigation.

Dale Gribble

Heh, that's what they want you to think.

Sir, we are they.

Dale Gribble

Nuh-uh.

Bill Dauterive

But I have to tinkle.

Dale Gribble

Not on my watch! [clicks shotgun]

Hank

"Heck, I thought I'd go ahead and sharpen all the axes."

Dale

(singing) Hank's a lumberjack and he's okay...

[to Dale] Hey, shades. Plug in my Alamo sign, will you?

Hank

Better not, Dale. It doesn't work right, remember?

Dale

[as he sings, he sits back and tries to plug in the sign.] (singing) Be-a-bay, be-e-be, be-i-bickey-bi-be-o-bo-bickey-bi-bo--

Hank

I said, "not to."

Dale

Be-u-bu...

Dale

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.

Hank

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kicking dang ol’ ass, man.

Boomhauer

(speaking at normal speed very clearly) For God's sakes, Hank, act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.

Bill

Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

Dale

Come on, Hank, pick up the pace.

Hank

(Struggling to keep his damaged glasses on) I can't see where I'm going. (Turns to Bill) Damn you, Bill.

Boomhauer

Shh... Man, dang ol' disrespectful. (Also turns to Bill) Man... lift, Bill, man.

Bill

I am. It's Dale, he's faking it.

Dale

(Barely holding the casket with his arm) Am not.

Hank

Dale, no wonder my end feels so heavy. Get your hands on the casket.

Dale

It's bad luck.

Dale

Told you it was bad luck.

Hank

I've kept a journal of all the violations these three nincompoops have committed, and I'll be happy to turn it...

Dale

I've read that journal. It's all lies. (Points to Hank) Hank did it. (Then points to Bill) Bill did it too. I begged them not to!

Bill

You chicken-necked ass, I'll kill you! (Bill grabs Dale by the neck, resulting in Dale pushing Bill into Boomhauer and Bill pushing Dale into Hank, sparking a minor brawl between Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, and Hank.)

Oh, for heaven's sake. (Spraying the fire extinguisher on Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer to put an end to their brawl.)

Hank

"I know it's a long shot, but what if we make a movie about Arlen, and send it to the Cowboys?"

Nancy

"Do you really think we can make a movie, Hank?"

Hank

I know we can. We used to make movies all the time. Remember Dale? You practically slept with that little camcorder.

Dale

Practically? I was going to be the next Zapruder, except nobody shot a president after that - nobody who knew what he was doing.

Dale Gribble

I know what YOU'RE HERE FOR!

John Redcorn

Dale! This isn't how I want you to find out!

Dale Gribble

Quit screwing with my mower.

John Redcorn

You've got to be kidding!

Dale Gribble

I don't kid about my mower. Now, you get inside and start massaging my wife.

John Redcorn

(to Nancy) He's taking some of the fun out of this.

Dale Gribble

What time is it, 3 AM, 4 AM?

Nancy Gribble

It's six.

Dale Gribble

A.M.?!

Nancy Gribble

No.

Dale Gribble

Oh. Is dinner ready?

Hank Hill

You are officially the coolest.

Dale Gribble

Too late, I killed Shackleford! (the police gasp) No...wait, correction, Shackleford wants a pizza.

Dale

(Talking into tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.

Bill

What?

Dale

(On tape recorder) 10:15. Hank picks up Hal.

Bill

(On tape recorder) What?

Dale

I said, "10:15, Hank picks up Hal!"

Dale Gribble

...which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. They're tired of being eaten, and now they're fighting back.

I see.

Dale Gribble

Anyhoo, I just stopped by to pick up my buddy Boomhauer. You see, we're both in here by mistake. Now I can't vouch for Boomhauer, but I am most definitely not crazy.

Go on.

Dale Gribble

Did you just say, "Go Mom"? Now who's the crazy one?

Dale

We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best and the anti-depressants are making my mouth dry and happy.

Bill

(shouting) Can I get some glitter please?

Bill

Why don't we just call Hank?

Dale

No. Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill... and rightfully so, these people are nuts!

Dale Gribble

The only thing your roommates (ie: enemies) will understand is fear (ie: psychological warfare (ie: dirty tricks)). It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat's blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat's blood. It's a perfect plan.

Luanne

I don't want to hurt anyone... I just want them to do the dishes.

Dale Gribble

Oh, well in that case stack the dishes in the shower. That's the way Nancy gets me to do them.