James Lukanik quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Thanks to Trev, no appetizers have left the blue kitchen.

We've had a long wait. Very bright.

Apologies.

The Red team, however, have served half of their customers' appetizers, but some of them have not received their welcoming pizza.

(with a pizza) Melissa.

Yes, chef?

Touch that. Touch that. What is that?

It's raw, chef.

It's what?

It's raw, chef.

Touch that! It's raw, Melissa!

Yes, chef.

It's raw! Come on!

Yes, chef.

[mocking Gordon] "It's rawww!!" [smiles] "It's fucking rawww!!"

(interview) Boris, what were you thinking, buddy? You don't mock Gordon Ramsay.

Boris.

Yes, sir?

Come here.

Yes, sir.

So I'm telling her about a raw pizza and you're mimicking me out in the back.

Sorry, chef.

Yeah, so I'm telling her the pizza's raw, come here, you fuck-face!

(interview) Oh, no!

And there you go, you touch it then. Now look at me! Take the piss out of me now, fuck-face. What's your fucking crack?

I don't have any crack, chef.

Yeah. What's your game?

I'm just here to cook, sir.

Now look at me! You fucking take the piss out of me one more time in the middle of fucking service, yeah, kiss your fuckin' ass goodbye. Is that clear?

Understood, chef.

WAKE UP!!!

It will not happen again. (interview) Shouldn't have done that, and I meant no disrespect. What can I say? I'm losing my mind.

(to Boris) Just concentrate. Look at me, look at me. Just fucking concentrate.

Will do, chef. Yes, sir.

Chef, I've got tables walking out. They've been here two hours, chef.

Fucking hell. Hey, ladies, come here. Hey, all of you, come here. LADIES, Move your fuckin' ass. BORIS!

Yes, chef?

Look out there. Are you kidding me? Tables are leaving. No one's even working together. No one's even caring. You're (Sabrina) bringing me the main courses, bypassing your team. You (Boris) laughed at me earlier, pissing around with your fucking pizzas. And you (Raj), you've just switched off. Where do we go? No one's even caring. FUCK OFF, is that clear?

Yes, chef.

Everything off. Clear down.

That honestly has to be the worst ever opening in Hell's Kitchen. Tonight, we set slow. Congratulation. So far, you're a joke. There's no winning team. Both teams,I want you to go upstairs and nominate two from the men,and two from the ladies. But the good news is, you're spoilt for choice. Now FUCK OFF.

It's 90 minutes into dinner service, and food has been ridiculously slow leaving the blue kitchen...

(walking up the stairs to take a table's order) Hello guys.

...but Vinny has a plan to speed things up.

(to the diners) I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you: you guys order sides, you're gonna be here till next Tuesday. (interview) I have zero confidence that Raj is getting out garnishes and sides.

No sides.

Yeah. (Vinny smiles and gives a thumbs-up)

(interview) So I came up with a bit of a clever idea.

(to the same diners that Vinny just waited on) How's the service this evening?

We can't order sides...

Why are you not allowed to order sides?

Because I guess we can get our food quicker if we don't order sides?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Um, let me go speak to the chef about this.

(to Scott) Yeah, just check that. There's no sides on there, I don't know why.

(to Vinny) Come over here! (to Gordon) Chef, one of his tables, he's telling them they could not have side orders because it takes too long to get it out of the kitchen.

What I said was, I'd be happy to bring them to you...

Shut up! Come in here!

That is not what I told them.

Why?

That is NOT what I told them.

What did you tell them?

Exactly what I told them was this: I said "I'm telling you the truth. The sides are delicious, but it's going to take a lot longer if you want sides, so..."

STOP EVERYBODY! Now Captain Vinny here is telling the customers not to order sides! (to Raj) Come here. Did you tell him not to order sides?

Of course not! Why would I say that?

Don't fucking shout at me, fuck-face! You told him that? "Don't push the sides, so I look good."

No, I'm ready with the sides! Look, I got all the sides ready, I'm waiting for them.

So why's he not taking the orders?

I have no idea, but look at these sides, it's all ready! He's- he's- I'm- he's- okay...

Do you want to know the truth?

Yeah, I do want to know the truth!

The truth is, I have no faith that he's going to be able to get the sides out.

You'd better understand one fucking thing! You do NOT decide what goes out this kitchen!

(mumbles) I don't know.

GET OUT.

Yes, chef.

GET OUT, YOU!

What's wrong with that?

Red team, salty.

Oh, dear. (returns to the workstation) Ladies.

Yes, chef?

Now it's coming back, salty! (tosses the plate on the workstation) Wow!

Blue team, Table 3.

[finds that the pizza is burnt on the bottom; returns and slams the pizza on Rob's station] Come on, chunky monkey! I trusted you. I don't need to turn your pizzas upside down. When it's fucking burnt, don't send it! [gives the pizza to Rob] In fact, you know what? Fuck off to the bar, eat the pizza. Get out, eat it, and come back!

(interview) Come on, get over yourself. It's the last thing I wanted to do while my team's getting pummeled, and it's so degrading. [goes into the bar and eats the burnt pizza]

(to Louis) You can't fucking cook a pork chop, he (Rob) cremates a fucking pizza!

(interview) I don't know if that was really a punishment for Rob. I mean, come on. Chef Ramsay sends the fat guy to the bar to go eat his own burnt pizza.

[eats burnt pizza at the bar] Fucking humiliating bullshit.

Russell, you have to put the colored one down before the film.

Colored what?

The colored...

See, this teamwork is exactly what helps in the kitchen, right? Like teamwork in the kitchen?

Yo. Don’t talk about the kitchen, ‘cause you guys don’t know shit about the kitchen.

How about you not give us attitude?

Are you kidding me? We’re doing this for you. How about you back up a little bit? (interview) This is not a joke. I’m not here to play with little kids. They’re pushing me to the limit! (to the Prom committee) I’m not doing this for my fifteen minutes of fame. I’m doing this for a fucking career, so step off!

Watch your language!

Watch my language? (to the Prom committee) I’M A GROWN ASS MAN.

Hey, guys. Come on. These are clients of Hell’s Kitchen. Stop being disrespectful! Get on with the job, get it done, and show a little bit of respect. Alright?

(to the Prom committee) Why don’t you guys just keep going through me? These guys are just frustrated. (interview) For Russell to blow up like that; unacceptable. Up and down the board, unacceptable.

[gives Gordon a ticket] It's your family.

Here we go. On order: six covers, table one.

Yes, chef!

Three wings, one mozzarella, one risotto, one truffle salad.

Yes, chef!

My family!

(interview) We better get this fucking order right.

Let's go, guys yes?

Three wings, one mozz is coming chef. Vinny, are you ready on the risotto?

No, no.

Vinny, I need the fucking risotto! What are you doing?

(interview) I can't sit there and [waves his hands] go like this and have my risottos' magically finish.

Hurry up Vinny! We've got to go up now!

Yes, chef. (interview) I grabbed the risotto I had just sent up for the previous table. There's nothing wrong with it.

Yo, I'm going up with the risotto, guys!

No, that's not fair. That's old! Trying to get away. Hey bozo, come here you.

Yes, chef. What happened?

Shut your fat East-Coast mouth.

Yes, chef.

This table that you just sent me that shit for happens to be my family!

(interview) Oh, no. What are you doing?

And even if it's not my family, they deserve a fresh risotto. Look at me--

Yes, chef.

--you dirty little fucker! If you can't be bothered to do it, fuck off out of here! Do you want to go home? Whether it's my family or not, if your family were here, or your family were here, or your family, I'd make YOUR family or YOUR wife or YOUR children a fresh FUCKING risotto! He sneaks that in there. Yeah. That's the shit I served five minutes ago!

Okay, refire guys!

Everybody's really happy, apart from your family.

Apart from my family? Come on, Vinny!

(interview) Yes, chef. Sorry, chef, won't happen again. That's all he wants to hear and I'll fix it.

[to James] How's Josiah?

Really, really unhappy.

[to the Blue Team] All of you, so you fucking go there. You grace his table, he looks after you he comes in here and look at the treatment. Hey [to Trev] have you ever won a Michelin star?

No I haven't. I haven't even won one!

Yeah there's a guy out there with TWO MICHELIN STARS AND LOOK AT US LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PRICKS! Well done! Unbelievable!

(to Trev) Hey bozo! [does a stop signal; angrily knocks the workstation with both hands] Just all of you, look at me now! It's like you're doing it on purpose!

Oh, chef's losing it.

Hard, undercooked, and stone-cold. Three beef… hold on hey, just put your finger on that. Look at us! WE DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!! WHERE'S YOUR PASSION?!! (angrily throws his spoon) I'm done standing here in a bunch of idiots! (throws his apron on the workstation) Fuck you all! Good luck, superstars! [he and Sous-Chef Scott exited the kitchen and left] Fucking useless. Aiyayayay.

(interview) We are fucked. Come on.

Oh, man.

Aw, there he is.

Aw he’s left.

(interview) This is over. Over.

(to himself) Oh, Jesus!

Holy shit! What the fuck just happened?! Chef is pissed!

Tonight, Hell's Kitchen is once again the place to be in Los Angeles. The restaurant has been redesigned with a stunning balcony above the kitchen that gives those diners a unique view of the action of the kitchen.

[Carries the first order tickets to Blue Kitchen, approaches Gordon] 'Kay, alright! First order, chef!

[Receives the tickets from James] Let's go. [to Blue Team] Okay Blue Team, here we are! First ticket to the blue team: One risotto, one scallop, one squab, one spaghetti!

Yes, chef!

I'm sorry, chef, can you repeat that?

Can I repeat that?

I'm sorry? I-I'm sorry, chef!

Yeah, let me repeat it: Fuck yourself!

Yes, sir!

"Can I repeat that?" Is he (Chino) fucking stupid?

Okay, Red Team! Come here, let's go! [Red Team approaches Gordon] First ticket! Good luck!

Yes, chef!

Two tables away, table four: one scallops, one risotto. Entrée: One New York–

[Interrupts Gordon; Talks to other Red Team member] Oh, one risotto!

[to Elise] Hey, madam!

Sorry!

I'm not gonna shout over you.

I'm sorry.

I've got 10 seconds - a window - to call these out!

I'm sorry. I apologize.

Come here, you, Big mouth, come here. [Puts and bangs the ticket on the table] Call out the fucking ticket. COME HERE! Call out the ticket!

[Grabs the ticket, calls out the ticket to the Red Team] Y'all ready? We need one scallop, two risotto for appetizers!

Chef?

James.

Tables are walking out.

Blue team, they're walking out. (to Chino, Steven and Tommy from the Chef's Table) You muppet, get off your fat arse. (to Blue Team) Let me show you something: Not one entrée has left this fucking kitchen. NOT ONE!

Yes, chef.

And look at the pans back there! Any bright ideas?

Want me to jump in? I'll clean them.

I'm talking about the customers. Not the fricking pans.

Yes, chef.

Any ideas?

No.

Hey, what are you going to do now? They are walking OUT! FUCK OFF!

(interview) At that point, it was a trainwreck on ice. There was nothing we could do about it.

Stop! You're out of your misery. [throws his spoon away; goes over to the Red kitchen]

(to red team) Let's do this ladies, come on! Let's not disappoint the customers.

Carrie. They've gone. (brief pause) SHUT IT DOWN!

Fuck!

How much time now?

We're waiting on the lamb.

Are you standing there with your hands on your hip while we're trying to put this ticket out?!

No, I'm not.

I better see you cooking something.

(interview) Elise is always yelling at me.

See what I mean?

I'm not going to let her get to me. I know I can cook. I know I'm good.

How long through on the window?

We have one more minute.

Please let's get it up.

Garnish, let's go! Here we go! 30seconds to the window!

Yes, chef.

Where's the bass?

It's coming up right now.

Service. Where's the lamb?

Right here, chef.

Let's go! Garnish please. [sees that the lamb was raw] Look at this. Ah, fuck me. It's raw! (returns to the workstation)

Is it still raw?

Come on.

You guys walking?

No, it's right there. She's got the other one.

You've got to be kidding me, guys!

[touches the raw lamb] Know that- that- okay.

STOP! [letting Carrie out of his way] Leave me alone! [sounding as if he might cry] All of you come here! Look at the fucking state of this!

I thought it looked good.

(interview) I honestly think that Carrie doesn't have all her marbles.

(to Carrie) Why are you doing this to me?

I saw this and I thought it was okay, chef -

"I saw this." It's not even hot, it's raw! RAW! [slams the lamb on the counter] SHIT! [throws the lamb away; calls Gina] Gina - please!

Yes, chef?

Take this... useless brigade... around every fricking table... and I want a sincere apology on the back of your crap performance! Piss off! Every one of them!

Why don't you explain to this table? Did you look all these children? They're all famished.

We sincerely apologize about your entrées. (interview) It was humiliating apologizing to the tables when I felt like it wasn't my fault.

We're very sorry.

We apologize.

We're sorry, we don't have any entrées right now.

[whispering] Wow!

(interview) Yes, we're a team, but you can only do so much when you have a broken leg.

[while returning to the red kitchen] Ladies, our promise it will not happen again, okay?

Ladies.

Yes, chef?

That was the first useful thing you have done tonight. It's also the last. Get out of here! All of you! [The Read Team leaves the kitchen] And hang your heads in shame! Because you absolutely suck! PISS OFF! Embarrassing! And on family night! YOU CERTAINLY DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CHILDREN!

Oh, my God.

"Shut it down!"

Two hours into dinner service and not a single entrée is left either kitchen, patience is wearing thin in the dining room.

I'm hungry.

We do apologize.

And the red kitchen is crumbling quickly.

How long is the bass?

Two minutes, guys.

A real fucking two minutes or a playful two minutes?

Christina Wilson

Coming through. Pardon me, Chef.

[sees the fish cooking] I've got six bass going. What?

Chef, I told them to start the bass. Because--

Six???

Yes.

They should be cooked to order! It's fish!

Coming down with scallops.

(interview) I don't understand why I'm getting yelled at. I'm trying to fucking put out food for the customers. I mean, I'm pissed off that he's mad at me.

Ladies, STOP! ALL OF YOU, COME HERE! (Tiffany) You're telling her (Danielle) to cook six bass for three tables in front of what we're doing. [points to Barbie's scallops] And then this arrives!

(interview) Agh! We're screwed.

For the seventh time, touch them! Touch them! (he touches the scallops, then the red team touches it) All of you, GET OUT! (Barbie) And you, take that with you, get out of my fucking sight, GET OUT! OUT!

Christina Wilson

(interview) God! Oh, my God!

Absolutely useless! [sees the mess that the Red team left] HOLY FUCK.

US Marines, how long?

(interview) I'm in trouble. This is not good. (to Gordon) Chef, I don't have anymore.

Say that again?

Chef, I don't have anymore.

Hey, fucking baby rhino screws the Marines! IT'S PATHETIC!! IT'S THE US MARINES! (to Clemenza) Hey, let's go you. Your fucking mess, you get yourself out of it. (to James) I know it's going to look embarrassing, fucking take him to the Marines.

Yes, chef.

Three cod, two lamb. How long?

I have one cod left chef.

You ran out of cod?

Yes, chef.

What? Hey you, what in the fuck are you doing?!

It's an hour and fifteen minutes into dinner service and neither kitchen has sent out an entrée.

James?

[enters the blue kitchen] Yes, chef?

We ran out of cod. Can we serve the sea bass?

Yes, chef. [exits the kitchen]

Let's go. Three bass, two lamb.

Yes, chef. Coming right now, baby.

Hey! "It's coming, baby"??

Sorry, chef.

You COOK like a fucking baby!

Won't happen again, chef.

GET OUT! [slams his hand on the table]

Yes, chef. [bangs his hand on side of the oven as he exits] FUCK!

What's the matter with that jerk?!

[throws his apron in the dorms] Come on, man!

I'll take it from here.