Paul Niedermann quotes from Hell's Kitchen

What's he done to this? [returns the cod to the workstation] BLUE TEAM!

Yes, chef?

NO garnish anywhere, STILL fragmented and look! It's burnt! [holds up the cod, shows it to the Blue team and angrily slams it on the workstation; calls Chino]

(interview) I burnt the miso cod. You know, I should know this shit too because I'm Asian.

Oh, guys!

(interview) Chino really fucked the cod up, man. Basted that motherfucker with roof tar or something.

Chino!

Yes, chef?

Come here, you! Get out of my sight.

[leads Chino to the Chef's Table] Sit down.

Scott, get him peeling onions, garlic, but away from the stove!

[brings onions and garlic to Chino at Chef's Table] There you go. At least you won't be able to burn any of that.

(interview) Ugh. Horrible.

Absolute fucking useless!

Scallops are in the window!

(to Steven) Hey. come here, you. Just touch.

They're springy, chef.

They're what?

Springy. When you spring back, usually they're ready.

So they're ready, are they?

I feel that they're ready.

That fucking rubbery?

Sorry, chef.

(interview) Everything Steven was touching was turning to shit tonight. You know how they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks? [smirks]

Sit down and eat them. Enjoy your "springy" scallops! Let me know how you feel halfway through! Bon appétit.

I think they're perfect. [eats his scallops on the chef's table]

(to Brendan) Filet is already up, bro! Watch the potatoes, they're about to burn!

Got 'em.

Well then pull them off!!

We're waiting on the sides!

Got 'em.

[sees the potatoes burnt while Brendan still sears them] Brendan, look at me. The potatoes in front of you. They're burnt. You're standing over them!

(brief pause) Yes, chef!

(interview) Brendan wanna sit there and puff out his fuckin' chest: "I'm gonna fuckin' do this! I'm a fuckin' man!". Bullshit bro, you suck!!!!

COME ON, GUYS!

That's twice in a row. Cooked to perfection, but we can't even SEND THE TABLE TOGETHER! Because NOBODY'S TOGETHER! SMOOTH SERVICE? MY ARSE!!

I've never in my whole career ever been stopped by fucking side items. Never.

Brendan on the fish station is now ready to move onto entrées...

Sea bass is ready. Are we ready to go on entrées?

Pull it out now.

Brendan -

Yes, chef?

I haven't-I haven't called it. Who called the entrées?

...even if Chef Ramsay isn't.

Who fired? I didn't fire.

Yes, chef. Sea bass is fired, and it's ready.

What is going on? You cooked the bass. Is your meat ready?

No, chef.

And the garnish all ready?

No, chef.

You've got to work as a team! PLEASE!

(interview) Brendan, man he jumped the gun. You know, he's too busy trying not to fuck up and he forgets it's about communicating.

Okay, let's go for the first entrée together!

Yes, chef.

Timing!

Yes, chef.

Away now: One sea bass, one wellington, one New York strip, one prime rib.

Yes, chef!

Get another bass in!

Brendan?

Yes, chef?

Is that the same bass?

No, chef.

You didn't start a fresh one?

Yes, I did, chef.

So where's the old one then?

I threw it away, chef.

Show me.

Yeah. [looks through the garbage] Chef, I can't find it.

Are you lying to me? Because I'm going to stop this whole fucking kitchen. I'm going to ask you one more time to tell me the truth. Is that the bass from 10 minutes ago or is that a fresh one you cooked? Because I'm going to turn this fucking kitchen upside down...

(interview; wiping his face) Oh, my God. (to Gordon) Chef, yes.

[tosses the bass down] Why?

Start a new bass. Start a new bass.

[offscreen] Sorry.

Stop! Everybody stop! New garnish.

(interview) Brendan's an idiot for lying to Chef Ramsay. It's like seriously, you're making a fool of yourself.

And how dare you go to the garbage can, search it, and turn me out like that.

Yes, chef.

Period!

Firing again. Firing again.

You do that to me one more time, trust me, fuck the elimination, I'll send you out there and then. Let me tell you that.

Yes, chef. Won't happen again. (interview) Chef Ramsay's not a stupid person. I was blowing smoke up his ass and he called me out on it.

Start again!

Firing a new bass now, chef.

Oh, come on. [Returns to workstation] Uh, Tommy! The duck is OVERCOOKED!

FUCK! It's ridiculous, man!

Tommy, start a new chicken. It's overcooked! You have one ready.

That's a duck! [throws his spoon away]

It's a duck.

Duck. Sorry, chef.

(calls the entire team) All of you, come here. Not one entrée has left this fucking kitchen! GET IT TOGETHER!

Yes, chef!

[checks Brendan's seabass] Oh, come on. Brendan, it's raw.

(to Brendan) COME ON, BRO! REALLY? (interview) Brendan, you suck! You suck!

Blue team, BLUE TEAM!

Yes, chef?

STOP! It's just got worse. Not one entrée has left together yet. NOT ONE! (Chino) You fucked me on the risotto! (Tommy) You screwed me on the duck and now I got a raw bass! What are you going to do now? Any suggestions? [the blue team doesn't answer] I've got one big suggestion! [points to every member of the Blue team] You, you, you, you, you, FUCK OFF OUT OF HERE! GET UPSTAIRS!

(interview) What the fuck, man? It is so frustrating, dude. It made us look like a bunch of little sissy-ass bitches, man.

(calls to the red team) Ladies?

Yes, chef?

I need four of you in here finishing the blue team. Any of you.

Yes, chef.

(interview) Having another person coming in to finish what I fucking started is the most infuriating slap in the face, literally "taking your dick out and whipping it across my chin" feeling that I have ever had in my life.

[angrily throws water bottle] FUCK!

I didn't sign up for this, bro. Send my ass home, bro.

Absolutely nothing came out right.

People just don't know how to fucking cook. (interview) That was, like, the biggest pussy bullshit I've ever experienced in my life, man. [to his teammates] I've never been kicked out of a kitchen, bro.

It's EMBARRASSING! [points at Brendan] HE CAN'T FUCKING COOK! [points at Chino] HE DIDN'T GET THE FUCKING RISOTTO OUT!

I didn't sign up for this! I signed up to win! We're all supposed to be professional chefs, right?

I AGREE!

RIGHT? SO, WHAT THE FUCK?

I'm not happy about it either.

You think you're pissed? I'm pissed too, all right? We just got our asses kicked in a big game.

I don't like to lose! This is the only thing I'm good at, bro! (interview) I did not come out of here to be made a fool of! That's too much for me! (in the dorms) No, this is some fucking - [kicks something] (to his teammates) Do you realize that they're all in our kitchen right now serving our guests?

Yeah.

We're getting whooped by a bunch of fucking chicks in there! (interview) We just got schooled, man! We should've had a fucking pen and a piece of paper. We should've been taking notes. We just got our asses fucking kicked, bro. (to his teammates) Like, come on, man!

Men, I'm - I'm disappointed. Will?

Yes, chef?

Who should leave Hell's Kitchen tonight?

100%, Brendan and Chino.

Paul, who should go?

Brendan and Chino.

Jonathon?

I voted for Brendan and Chino.

If you had to pick one?

I choose Chino.

Some of you guys are just a bunch of fucking phonies, you know that? All you do is scream what Chef Ramsay says, and when Chef Ramsay leaves, you just clam up. You don't–you don't wanna put yourself out there.

You can go fuck yourself, Chino.

You know why they're (Red Team) winning? You know why the girls are winning? They may not like each other, but they all fucking study their shit. I–I'm getting balled out on risotto. What do you do? You go at me.

I didn't see you jumping in trying to help somebody else like I was!

I couldn't! 'Cause I was getting fucked up! I was fucking up! How could I help somebody if I'm fucking up? [Gordon facepalms]

Team player? You ain't no team player!

Okay? I felt sorry for him, alright?

You don't even know what that means! Fuck you!

Guys!

Anyway, Brendan and Chino, step forward.

Alright, order in. Squab, risotto, scallop, tart. Entrée: wellington, cod, strip, and bass.

Yep, rice is going.

Scallop.

Starting to go, starting to go, starting to go. (interview) We had our first two services, and it was a loss. It sucked.

Doing my fish thing.

(interview) We got an opportunity to work out any kinks that we might've seen in service. (to Natalie) Three minutes out.

Now, I'm gonna say, "Okay, dude, it's not ready. So, it's still, uh... in the oven, so... Hey, you gotta give me four minutes."

No, that's not good.

[impersonating Gordon's British accent while slamming his fist on workstation] HOW LONG?!

You gotta give me four minutes, dude.

(interview) Chino sat there and was like... [chuckles and shakes his head]

OK, three minutes—three minutes on the—three minutes on the wellington.

Three minutes!

(interview) He can't even fake being a good cook. [facepalms]

So I need two minutes!

Say—say I'm behind again.

(interview) I mean, really? There's no cooking involved. I mean, how hard is that?

That's it—that's it, I'm just gonna try and...

[in British accent] HURRY UP!

[in British accent] CHINO!

[Sees Paul at the garnish section] Jonathon.

Yes, chef.

Why is Paul taking over the garnish?

He's helping me out, chef.

Helping you out or doing it?

I've a little bit- I'm having a little bit of trouble!

Oh, come on! (to Paul) Paul.

Yes, chef?

Come here, you.

[Approaches Gordon] Yes, chef!

"Help him out" has a big difference, but actually "taking over" I'm not going to let.

Yes, chef.

Do you understand?

Yes, chef! [returns to his previous section]

(to Jonathon) Will the garnish be ready, Jonathon?

Yes chef, it'll be ready!

Look at me, because if it's not, you can fuck off!

I'll have it ready, chef!

Two cod, one lobster, one wellington!

Yes, chef.

(to Tommy) Three and half minutes, yes? On the two cod? The wellington? [Tommy doesn't respond]

Tommy!

Tommy, how long on the cod? You're driving!

TOMMY!

(interview) Tommy doesn't talk. He shuts down, he gets real quiet! And then he doesn't talk to Chef, and that's a sign of disrespect to Chef, so Chef gets even madder at him! (to Tommy) Tommy, how long?!

Tommy, you're keeping us all fucking waiting now!

I'm just going, chef. It's coming, I promise.

Yeah, then give me a fucking time!

Two minutes, yes?

No, give me five!

Oh, fucking hell.

I gotta redo that cod. (to Will) Can't put that out, right?

Fuck, man!

(to Monterray) Yeah, push it back. Five on that cod, guys. Five on that two cod. (interview) I'm being a leader for myself in Hell's Kitchen right now. I'm making sure things leaving my hands are perfect, and that's how I'll be noted.

Monterray! Hey, bozo! How can you keep on reheating your meat before it's overcooked?!

It's not, chef!

You don't know how to fucking do it!

It won't be, chef! It won't be!

Where's the cake? Please? (to Scott) Scott, we are all order the special cake, right?

Yes.

Very good. Excellent. What on earth? [finds that the cake that the Red team prepared during their punishment was poorly made] Holy crap. Someone vomit on it? What's on this bits of brown? What a mess.

We thought it looked like sand.

[laughs] Yeah chef.

Look at it! It's like a big Mexican sombrero gone wrong with someone shat on it. (to Blue team) Blue team, have you seen this disaster?

[raises his right arm] Olé!

Yeah. Let me tell you something, we are definitely not serving that thing. [brings the cake and hands it over to Sous-chef Scott] Would you mind, Scott? Would you mind putting it over there? Thank you.

Paul?

Yes, chef.

[returns to workstation & touches on the center of the snapper as Paul approaches Gordon] It's cold in the centre and it's fucking raw.

I'll re-fire chef.

I'm struggling, Paul! I don't expect that from you! It's our first table! [smashes the snapper] I'm struggling, Paul! I don't expect that from you! NOT TONIGHT!

Yes, chef!

While Carrie starts from square one on her rice, Chef Ramsay...

[asks for snapper] Snapper, please.

...is waiting on Paul...

Where's the snapper?

...once again.

Yes chef, I'm pushing it right now.

It's fucking raw. [returns to the workstation] All of you! [angrily throws his spoon away] I'm- I'm struggling! The fish is fucking RAW! [knocks the workstation] IT'S THE SECOND TIME! And it's the committee's table! You can't do that to me!

Yes, chef.

(interview) Paul's crashing and burning on the fish station like a Titanic, you know? It's fucking going down.

(to Paul) YOU, OFF FISH!

[angrily slams his towel] Fuck!

Jonathon, Monterray! On the fish!

(interview) I'm like, "okay." (to Jonathon) Come on. Let's go, let's go.

Get a grip, guys!

Four to five minutes.

Jesus Christ.

Paul, that was one of the worst dinner services I’ve ever witnessed.

I’m sick to my stomach for what happened tonight. I ruined somebody’s 20-year anniversary that they’ll never get back. I feel that I’m not done, chef. I take full responsibility for what happened, but I really, really don’t want to go.

I’m unconvinced. You disintegrated! You backed up the entire dining room!

I know, chef. I had the worst service of my life! I am so disappointed in myself, that I’m literally cringing–cringing of watching you at the pass, and I’m shitting on you every fucking table, 'cause I couldn’t get my shit together! I don’t want that to ever happen again, and I have enough determination to ensure it WON’T fucking happen again! That’s why I still want to be here, because MY FIRE ISN’T OUT!

Paul.

Yes, chef.

Back in line.

Thank you, chef.