Raj quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Okay, what is it?

It's a Mardi Gras gumbo. [lifts the lid]

Oh, God! And does it normally look like a plate of liquid shit?

No. (interview) Every time I make my gumbo, it always gets eaten, and everybody loves it. It's going to be good.

[burp] Excuse me. [throws it up into the trash can] Fucking hell!

[rolls eyes] Oh, God.

Are you crazy? Have you tasted that?

No, I didn't get a chance to taste it, chef.

So you cooked it, and you didn't even taste it?!

I didn't have enough time. I'm so sorry you don't like it.

Don't like it?!

I'm sorry it wasn't up to par.

Up to par?! It's inedible!

[shrugs] Okay, then throw it out.

No! I'm not going to throw it out! (to Raj) Big man!

Yes, sir!

You like your food, take a mouthful. Pass it along.

(interview) It was completely repulsive. I would have rather had a cat shit in my mouth than have eaten that any further!

[reacting as if he got heartburn] Oh, shit!

(interview) Oh, my God. I don't even know how to explain that!

Vinny, what was that tasting of?

A big bowl of mud.

Dear, oh dear!

(to Raj) Nice suspenders. (they are both wearing suspenders)

Oh thank you. Sir, yes sir, Chef.

Big boy, first name is...

Raj. (interview) I am an executive chef, and I began cooking when I was 14 years old.

Show me your dish.

(interview) I was always the best cook in the kitchen, so I can't see why this would be any different. [to Gordon] This is a seafood and vegetable pancake.

My God! It's a what?

A seafood and vegetable pancake.

Pancake?!

Yeah, it's a pancake.

What?! That is a pancake?

It's a–Yeah.

Does that look like a pancake?!

Mm-hmm.

[tilts the plate allowing the grease from the pancake to drip down] Oh, it's going for a piss. A pancake that pisses. [tastes] It's a shame because the seafood actually tastes quite nice inside.

Oh, thank you.

However, it looks a mess. Presentation's shocking.

After hours of tedious cleaning, the women are ready to crash for the night. Meanwhile, the oldest chef, Raj... [Raj yells an Asian-sounding battle cry, causing Russell to glance at him] ...is ready to put on a show.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit, we got a Mr. Miyagi! [Trev laughs]

(interview) I start drinking, and I start doing karate. It's a bad habit.

(interview) Just kick it down a notch and let's put that energy towards your food.

Y'know, I'm gonna get out of the way.

(interview) I thought he was about to have a damn heart attack!

While Sabrina needs to get back in sync with her team, in the Blue kitchen, Chef Ramsay needs...

Raj! Help them, or fuck off!

[enters the Blue kitchen] (interview) It was fairly abusive on his part, but I'm a little bit worried about Chef Ramsay's, you know, karma.

Russell.

Yes, sir.

Get off of there...

Yes, sir.

...and let these two work as a team.

(interview) Boris and Raj are working together. It's like watching two idiots do a Rubik's Cube. There's no chance on Earth they're going to get it right.

Mozzarella cheese, I got the cheese. (To Raj) All I'm asking you is to please help me the roll the fucking dough.

Where the fuck is it?

It's here. First, shape it. Here. Put it here, put it down, shape it.

The dough's there, you can't roll it.

ROLL. The FUCKING. PIZZA DOUGH.

Here's more mozzarella. [starts slicing the mozzarella]

(To Raj) Th-- ROLL THE FUCKIN' PIZZA DOUGH! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?! Are you fuckin'-...? URRRGGGGHHHH!!! (interview) My partner was sent here to sabotage. That guy is fucking nuts.

Why aren't you two working as a team?

We're doing the best we can, chef.

We're screwed on a fucking pizza.

Raj, why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?

Now that I'm more familiar with everything, I'll be able to jump in there and really cook the food correctly.

Aren't you the most experienced chef in here?

Yes.

You've been cooking longer than me!

Yes.

[squirms] Shit!

Good morning.

Good morning, chef.

Last night's service was memorable, [Red team members turn to Raj, who was breathing loud] for all the wrong reasons. [Gordon hears the breathing as well] Who's breathing? What is that? [Russell points to Raj] Are you okay?

(interview) Raj was breathing a little bit creepy like, [imitates Raj's breathing; same as Jillian]

(interview; also imitates Raj's breathing) And it sounded like a big jerk!

Slow down!

Yes, chef.

Who did the nigiri tuna?

Me, chef! Raj, chef.

Well, now I know it's Raj. (examines sushi piece Russell made) Nice. First tuna, in. [peels back the piece Raj made to show...] No wasabi. Out.

(interview) It's perfect, but...

Yes.

[drum roll; notices no wasabi on Raj's sushi] No!

(interview) ...you left out the wasabi! JACKASS!

On order, four covers away, Table 23, yes? Two risotto, two scallops, entrée one chicken, three rib-eye.

Yes, chef!

[sees Raj turning back without answering] You, come here. You're standing here next to me, I called it out and you just turned your fat arse around. You didn't even acknowledge me.

I'm-I'm here. Yes, chef. What do you need? I'm here.

What do I need? What did I just call out? (Raj doesn't answer) What did I just call out, Raj? I'm talking to you!

(interview) The fact that Raj is 49 and still alive and not in jail or an asylum is a goddamn miracle.

What did I just call out?

I didn't- I didn't catch it.

Oh fuck me. Useless.

Just over half an hour in the dinner service, Raj hasn't even begun cooking but has already disappointed Chef Ramsay.

It's 90 minutes into dinner service, and food has been ridiculously slow leaving the blue kitchen...

(walking up the stairs to take a table's order) Hello guys.

...but Vinny has a plan to speed things up.

(to the diners) I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you: you guys order sides, you're gonna be here till next Tuesday. (interview) I have zero confidence that Raj is getting out garnishes and sides.

No sides.

Yeah. (Vinny smiles and gives a thumbs-up)

(interview) So I came up with a bit of a clever idea.

(to the same diners that Vinny just waited on) How's the service this evening?

We can't order sides...

Why are you not allowed to order sides?

Because I guess we can get our food quicker if we don't order sides?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Um, let me go speak to the chef about this.

(to Scott) Yeah, just check that. There's no sides on there, I don't know why.

(to Vinny) Come over here! (to Gordon) Chef, one of his tables, he's telling them they could not have side orders because it takes too long to get it out of the kitchen.

What I said was, I'd be happy to bring them to you...

Shut up! Come in here!

That is not what I told them.

Why?

That is NOT what I told them.

What did you tell them?

Exactly what I told them was this: I said "I'm telling you the truth. The sides are delicious, but it's going to take a lot longer if you want sides, so..."

STOP EVERYBODY! Now Captain Vinny here is telling the customers not to order sides! (to Raj) Come here. Did you tell him not to order sides?

Of course not! Why would I say that?

Don't fucking shout at me, fuck-face! You told him that? "Don't push the sides, so I look good."

No, I'm ready with the sides! Look, I got all the sides ready, I'm waiting for them.

So why's he not taking the orders?

I have no idea, but look at these sides, it's all ready! He's- he's- I'm- he's- okay...

Do you want to know the truth?

Yeah, I do want to know the truth!

The truth is, I have no faith that he's going to be able to get the sides out.

You'd better understand one fucking thing! You do NOT decide what goes out this kitchen!

(mumbles) I don't know.

GET OUT.

Yes, chef.

GET OUT, YOU!

Raj, why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?

I should stay in Hell's Kitchen, chef, Because I am being falsely accused and I'm getting more familiar with everything and it's going to be good and it just need a little more time I'm a slow learner.

Yes, chef.

Get a good night's sleep, because seven of you need to fight back. Quickly!

Yes, chef.

Now FUCK OFF!

(interview) The blue team should get used to getting their asses kicked. They're like little dominoes and the red team is gonna knock each one of them out. (laughs)

(interview) I'm there scrambling trying to save my fucking guys' asses and they threw me under not only the bus. They threw me under the train, the plane, the helicopter, and the... fucking buggy.

(interview) I know that the guys in my team are shitting in their pants knowing that Raj is going to destroy them. [gets up and points to the camera] I'M HERE TO STAY, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, 'CAUSE I AM THE BEST! [falls off his interview chair] WHAAAOW! [climbs back up to the chair] HAAA!

[to himself, after everyone has returned to the dorms] God. (voiceover) Curtis might have been a good old boy, but unfortunately, he wasn't good at cooking.

(interview after Raj escaped elimination) I'm more shocked that that lunatic is still here.

(interview) EEEYOW! WOOAAOOAAOOAAOOAAOOH!!! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! Thank you, Lord, thank you, Jesus! WOO! I'M FEELIN' GREAT! Now I'm DEFINITELY going to win this competition now. I know it! (to Vinny) Wheel of karma, baby! You can't get off, these hands are tied.

Raj, Raj, Raj. Please.

You have malice, you know what I mean? I don't have evil designs. I don't lie. I tell the truth!

I didn't lie either.

For you to tell the customers in the dining room not to order food because I'm working it? I mean, that is sick.

(interview) I did not tell those customers "do not order sides." (beat) I highly recommended it. (to Raj) I want to win a restaurant.

Guess what? You ain't.

WOO!!! I'M WINNING THIS MOTHERFUCKING THING!!! [the other chefs attempt to shush him]

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

(interview) I know that the guys on my team have absolutely no chance, so they're doing anything they can to get rid of me. (to the chefs) Lie, don't die!

The guy is here to be an anchor to us. We're gonna have to learn to work with him.

Somebody's gotta get him in line and you guys aren't getting through at all, he seems to listen to me.

Raj listens to you?

Yeah I don't know, I'm one of the few guys who hasn't yelled or screamed at him. (interview) If I can just get Raj to focus, I will. [shot of Raj doing tai-chi in the bedroom] We need to learn to work with the tools that we're given, and he just happens to be one of those tools. (to Vinny, Rob, and Boris) You have to handle him with gloves though, his... [points to his temple]

[in the background] WHAAAAOW!!! [Vinny chuckles]

We gotta get this guy to work somehow.

You can't.

We haven't sent one table yet!

Raj, where's the scrambled egg?

Okay. (brings his scrambled eggs to the pass)

(tastes) Hey guys, guys. Come here. All of you, come here! Quick! Hurry up! (pushes Raj out of his way) Get out of the way. Get out of the way. Oooh, get out of the way. Taste it. Taste it. Taste it, taste it, taste it, taste it! Not an OUNCE of seasoning!

What do you—?!

We're doing it again! Don't argue with chef!

(interview) Don't talk back to chef. He says something, you say "Yes, chef" and move on. That's it.

Say that again? Hey, say that again? Say–say–don't spit fucking scrambled egg in my face! Say that again?! Say that again?!

Yes, chef.

There's not an ounce of fucking seasoning in there. These guys save lives for a living, yeah, and you're about to fuck up their breakfast. Got it?

Yes, chef! (interview) Chef Ramsay's like "Oh, my God! THERE'S NO SALT! THERE'S NO PEPPER!" and I'm like "What the–?" (to his teammates) Go ahead, go ahead, go! Go! (interview) I thought I seasoned it, chef, correctly. But no. Obviously I didn't.

Why's he cooking scrambled egg when he can't even season it?

(interview) I tried to make some sense out of this intense chaos. [goes into the pantry and puts his head in the refrigerator] I got to cool off somehow. (interview) I tried to clear my head by sticking my head in the refrigerator... but I couldn't.

RAJ, MOVE YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS!! (to blue team) Somebody take control, please!!