Boris quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Thanks to Trev, no appetizers have left the blue kitchen.

We've had a long wait. Very bright.

Apologies.

The Red team, however, have served half of their customers' appetizers, but some of them have not received their welcoming pizza.

(with a pizza) Melissa.

Yes, chef?

Touch that. Touch that. What is that?

It's raw, chef.

It's what?

It's raw, chef.

Touch that! It's raw, Melissa!

Yes, chef.

It's raw! Come on!

Yes, chef.

[mocking Gordon] "It's rawww!!" [smiles] "It's fucking rawww!!"

(interview) Boris, what were you thinking, buddy? You don't mock Gordon Ramsay.

Boris.

Yes, sir?

Come here.

Yes, sir.

So I'm telling her about a raw pizza and you're mimicking me out in the back.

Sorry, chef.

Yeah, so I'm telling her the pizza's raw, come here, you fuck-face!

(interview) Oh, no!

And there you go, you touch it then. Now look at me! Take the piss out of me now, fuck-face. What's your fucking crack?

I don't have any crack, chef.

Yeah. What's your game?

I'm just here to cook, sir.

Now look at me! You fucking take the piss out of me one more time in the middle of fucking service, yeah, kiss your fuckin' ass goodbye. Is that clear?

Understood, chef.

WAKE UP!!!

It will not happen again. (interview) Shouldn't have done that, and I meant no disrespect. What can I say? I'm losing my mind.

(to Boris) Just concentrate. Look at me, look at me. Just fucking concentrate.

Will do, chef. Yes, sir.

While Sabrina needs to get back in sync with her team, in the Blue kitchen, Chef Ramsay needs...

Raj! Help them, or fuck off!

[enters the Blue kitchen] (interview) It was fairly abusive on his part, but I'm a little bit worried about Chef Ramsay's, you know, karma.

Russell.

Yes, sir.

Get off of there...

Yes, sir.

...and let these two work as a team.

(interview) Boris and Raj are working together. It's like watching two idiots do a Rubik's Cube. There's no chance on Earth they're going to get it right.

Mozzarella cheese, I got the cheese. (To Raj) All I'm asking you is to please help me the roll the fucking dough.

Where the fuck is it?

It's here. First, shape it. Here. Put it here, put it down, shape it.

The dough's there, you can't roll it.

ROLL. The FUCKING. PIZZA DOUGH.

Here's more mozzarella. [starts slicing the mozzarella]

(To Raj) Th-- ROLL THE FUCKIN' PIZZA DOUGH! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?! Are you fuckin'-...? URRRGGGGHHHH!!! (interview) My partner was sent here to sabotage. That guy is fucking nuts.

Why aren't you two working as a team?

We're doing the best we can, chef.

We're screwed on a fucking pizza.

Chef, I've got tables walking out. They've been here two hours, chef.

Fucking hell. Hey, ladies, come here. Hey, all of you, come here. LADIES, Move your fuckin' ass. BORIS!

Yes, chef?

Look out there. Are you kidding me? Tables are leaving. No one's even working together. No one's even caring. You're (Sabrina) bringing me the main courses, bypassing your team. You (Boris) laughed at me earlier, pissing around with your fucking pizzas. And you (Raj), you've just switched off. Where do we go? No one's even caring. FUCK OFF, is that clear?

Yes, chef.

Everything off. Clear down.

That honestly has to be the worst ever opening in Hell's Kitchen. Tonight, we set slow. Congratulation. So far, you're a joke. There's no winning team. Both teams,I want you to go upstairs and nominate two from the men,and two from the ladies. But the good news is, you're spoilt for choice. Now FUCK OFF.

Who did the nigiri tuna?

Me, chef! Raj, chef.

Well, now I know it's Raj. (examines sushi piece Russell made) Nice. First tuna, in. [peels back the piece Raj made to show...] No wasabi. Out.

(interview) It's perfect, but...

Yes.

[drum roll; notices no wasabi on Raj's sushi] No!

(interview) ...you left out the wasabi! JACKASS!

Get a good night's sleep, because seven of you need to fight back. Quickly!

Yes, chef.

Now FUCK OFF!

(interview) The blue team should get used to getting their asses kicked. They're like little dominoes and the red team is gonna knock each one of them out. (laughs)

(interview) I'm there scrambling trying to save my fucking guys' asses and they threw me under not only the bus. They threw me under the train, the plane, the helicopter, and the... fucking buggy.

(interview) I know that the guys in my team are shitting in their pants knowing that Raj is going to destroy them. [gets up and points to the camera] I'M HERE TO STAY, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, 'CAUSE I AM THE BEST! [falls off his interview chair] WHAAAOW! [climbs back up to the chair] HAAA!

[to himself, after everyone has returned to the dorms] God. (voiceover) Curtis might have been a good old boy, but unfortunately, he wasn't good at cooking.

WOO!!! I'M WINNING THIS MOTHERFUCKING THING!!! [the other chefs attempt to shush him]

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

(interview) I know that the guys on my team have absolutely no chance, so they're doing anything they can to get rid of me. (to the chefs) Lie, don't die!

The guy is here to be an anchor to us. We're gonna have to learn to work with him.

Somebody's gotta get him in line and you guys aren't getting through at all, he seems to listen to me.

Raj listens to you?

Yeah I don't know, I'm one of the few guys who hasn't yelled or screamed at him. (interview) If I can just get Raj to focus, I will. [shot of Raj doing tai-chi in the bedroom] We need to learn to work with the tools that we're given, and he just happens to be one of those tools. (to Vinny, Rob, and Boris) You have to handle him with gloves though, his... [points to his temple]

[in the background] WHAAAAOW!!! [Vinny chuckles]

We gotta get this guy to work somehow.

You can't.

Raj? Raj? Just give up halfway?

No, I just wanted to cover it.

Give me the fucking wrap. (interview) I've tried everything I can with this big, dumb animal and it's just–it's frustrating. It's tiring. (to Vinny) It's bullshit that he's even still here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait.

You might have been cooking the longest. Obviously, you've cooked in shit restaurants for the last 30 years.

Unfair.

What's unfair about it?! You suck!

And you tanked us.

You guys are going to keep going with it?

Yes! Until it gets through that thick skull of yours!

(interview) Trevor's harassing me for no reason, and he's being more of a problem than a solution. (to Trev and Vinny) You guys seem to be targeting me in a vicious fashion. You got something about me, because I'm older?

Go home, Raj! Just go home. Go home and stuff yourself with Twinkies so you have a fucking heart attack on your recliner!

Oh, so now you're going to make fun of my weight?

We got to figure out what you're good at. You got to be good at something, right? Aside from sleeping and fucking eating and running your goddamn jaw. You got to be good at something! Mr. "I'm a chef and I'm almost 50. I got more experience than everybody." What the fuck have you done so far?! You're fucking dilly-dallying in the fucking pastry section, and the shit you've cooked doesn't even work–

Shut up! [Snaps and gets in Trev's face] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Or what?

Guys, guys, guys! Come on!

I said shut up! Just shut up!

Or what?!

Fuck all you motherfuckers! YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF SNAKES! [to Trev] YOU FUCKIN' SNAKE! (interview) I'm being targeted, I'm being harassed, and I'm really at the point where I don't know what to do!

Raj, can I have a word with you?

I'm tired, dammit!

Just one minute? Listen to me. Listen to me. Raj, please! Raj! Raj! [takes Raj into the hallway] We need listen and work together! (interview) I don't want to see anybody getting hurt. I don't want to see anyone throwing it off, because we need every man on our team. Including Raj.

You gotta listen to me. You alright? (interview) But... that guy is fucking nuts!

As Melissa starts over with her Dover sole, guests on both sides of the dining room continue to wait, but not for long. In the blue kitchen...

Where's the salmon?!

T-two seconds.

Raj is ready with his second attempt on the salmon.

Two seconds! One, two!

I mean uhm, thirty sec-I mean, uhm, one minute.

Well... almost ready.

Just concentrate. I don't want a blah-blah-blah.

I'm sorry to say that, but it's true.

What a fucking bozo!

Here it is. Here it is. [brings his salmon to the pass, Gordon checks it; finds that it's raw]

Oh, dear. Raj! Come here you. It's, raw. [angrily smashes the raw salmon] It's fucking RAW!!!

(interview) Come on, man!

IT'S RAW!!!

(interview) The guy can't change his underwear the right way.

We haven't even served the fucking entrée, but I need to get food out!

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Chef, can I—would you mind if I said something, chef, or no?

[plugs his ears] Not to me, you're not.

No, don't say a damn thing. Just finish your tickets.

You know the salmon I gave you that you smashed, right? (interview) I'm not this timid man who's just going to sit back and just say, "Okay, chef." [to Gordon] You know, I'm going to try to make a case for myself. Really, chef, really.

We're in the middle of service right now and I just want food. SHUT IT!

(interview) But, um... it's-it's hard. (to his team mates) I got it now. Go ahead! Go, go!

Hey, what do you think this is? A talk show?!

No, no.

COOK YOUR FUCKING DISH, AND SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!!

Yes, chef.

Vinny, get a piece of salmon on there, yes?

Yes, chef. (interview) Raj just cannot cook at all, anything, ever. (to Russell) Give me a time. (interview) So I have to go over and do it for him. (brings Raj's salmon to the pass) Hot behind, salmon on the pass.

Perfect, let's go.

Thanks to Vinny, Raj's salmon is finally on its way out to the dining room.

Chef, hold on. (on his wellingtons) It's raw.

Oh, come on.

I can't give you raw meat. I'm sorry chef.

Thanks to Boris, no food is leaving the Blue kitchen.

There you go, send it back.

But thanks to Raj, none of them are going to waste.

(interview) I see all this food, and it looks delicious, so I just, you know, ate it.

Raj, please don't do that.

Look, he's eating it, look! Haven't you got enough in there?

But that's so good! It's really a waste.

Wow!

No. I mean — just a quick little bite. It's really tasty.

Ah, fucking hell.

(interview) How could Chef Ramsay blame me for eating this delicious food? It's fantastic.

While Raj has snack time in the blue kitchen over in the Red kitchen, Gail... [cuts to Gail staring in space]

Gail!

...has nap time.

Wakey-wakey! (sees Gail's meat pan catching fire) You're on fire.

(interview) Oh, my God! There's flames shooting up! And Gail was (sticks her tongue out in disgust) nothing. Nothing's happening.

Gail, out the way! Oh my God. [removes the pan off the burner and throws it into the sink; gets the burnt rib-eye beef] Gail, I think your pan's a bit too hot. [throws the rib-eye back in the sink] You've lost it.

I haven't lost it.

Yes, you - look, you've given up. Body language, face, attitude, you've given up. Anyone that can stand there, and watch a piece of rib-eye beef SET ON FIRE is out of control! You've given up.

Back in the blue kitchen...

Up to the pass with the halibut. (brings his halibut to the pass)

Raj is eager to finally impress Chef Ramsay.

Sorry about the delay, let's go.

(interview) HIIYYYYAAAHHHH! HAH!

Maybe, a little too eager.

[finds that Raj has cooked three other Dover soles] How many have you cooked? One, two, three. Oh my God.

(interview) When I get busy, I just start firing everything. So when they need it, I got it.

What are you doing? Playing the odds? Maybe one will be good out of three?

(interview) But this is Chef Ramsay's kitchen, you can't do that.

Why would I try to fire three tables?

Uhm, yes. Uhm...

(disgusted) Donkey.

Dude, you can't serve this to anybody. He's not going to take that. (interview) Raj cooks three Dover soles before they were even remotely close to... to needing them.

SOLE SPECIAL!

Chef, we ran out of the sole special.

What... [reaches for a ticket] I've got three on OR-DER?!?!

(interview) We ran out of Dover sole? Oh, man. This is going to be real ugly.

Oh, no... [goes near the door and sits in fetal position]

(interview) This sucks. Embarrassing! Fuck!

(interview) It's a very bad situation. I don't know what we're going to do. I think we have to figure something out quickly.

[to Raj] Get out there and tell them you're dragging two! And you go to the customers and tell them you fucked it up!

I need another jacket, though. I can't go out there with this jacket.

Hey come—come here you. If I tell you to get out there, I don't give a fuck if you've got a thong on your fat crack, get out there!

I can't, with this thing. I can't, I'm sorry, chef.

Hey, hey, listen. Fuck off out there, will you?

[removes his apron and goes over to Chef Scott] I can't put this—

PUT IT DOWN, AND GET OUT THERE!

[leaves the kitchen and goes to the diners to apologize] (interview) Couple of things are going to my head. [talks to hungry diners] Hi, my name is Raj.

How's it going back there?

(interview) My God, look at this, I'm a star. [talks to the diners again] I'm terribly sorry, but we ran out of the sole special. (interview) Then the next thing you know, look at this, I'm an idiot. So it's this elation and then this degration. All at the same time. [to the diners] We have other nice fish, though, if you'd like to try that instead.

(to Boris) Can you stop washing pans?

Boris!

(interview) Wow, Boris! What the fuck!

This is a fucking kitchen!! I'M TRYING TO FUCKING RUN A GODDAMN RESTAURANT!!!

Yes, chef.

Come here you! [leads Boris to the washroom] You want to wash pans?! Get down there! Fuck off will you?! Do it full-time! Get on there! What a muppet.

(interview) I've never been kicked out of the kitchen in my life and it's all my fucking fault.

LA Market is not looking for a fucking head chef in PANS!

Meanwhile, in the Blue kitchen...

Boris? How many crab cakes have you got in the pan?

Ten altogether chef.

Boris is getting a little ahead of himself.

There's only two away and you just cook me ten. Boris?

Yes, chef?

I fired two, I got ten. Is this the sign of things to come?

(interview) Boris started firing like a gang-bang on crab cakes. It is like, "dude, learn to count."

Look at me! We'll do one table at a time, it's not a race! Common sense, gentlemen!

Yes, chef. Understood.

Fresh crab cakes, let's go!

[gives Gordon a ticket] It's your family.

Here we go. On order: six covers, table one.

Yes, chef!

Three wings, one mozzarella, one risotto, one truffle salad.

Yes, chef!

My family!

(interview) We better get this fucking order right.

Let's go, guys yes?

Three wings, one mozz is coming chef. Vinny, are you ready on the risotto?

No, no.

Vinny, I need the fucking risotto! What are you doing?

(interview) I can't sit there and [waves his hands] go like this and have my risottos' magically finish.

Hurry up Vinny! We've got to go up now!

Yes, chef. (interview) I grabbed the risotto I had just sent up for the previous table. There's nothing wrong with it.

Yo, I'm going up with the risotto, guys!

No, that's not fair. That's old! Trying to get away. Hey bozo, come here you.

Yes, chef. What happened?

Shut your fat East-Coast mouth.

Yes, chef.

This table that you just sent me that shit for happens to be my family!

(interview) Oh, no. What are you doing?

And even if it's not my family, they deserve a fresh risotto. Look at me--

Yes, chef.

--you dirty little fucker! If you can't be bothered to do it, fuck off out of here! Do you want to go home? Whether it's my family or not, if your family were here, or your family were here, or your family, I'd make YOUR family or YOUR wife or YOUR children a fresh FUCKING risotto! He sneaks that in there. Yeah. That's the shit I served five minutes ago!

Okay, refire guys!

Everybody's really happy, apart from your family.

Apart from my family? Come on, Vinny!

(interview) Yes, chef. Sorry, chef, won't happen again. That's all he wants to hear and I'll fix it.

IT'S MY FAMILY'S ORDER! One salmon, one beef, one macaroni and cheese, one bolognese, two burgers.

Let's go, guys. Let's make it happen.

The men are scrambling to get entrees out to chef Ramsay's family.

Chef, I'm coming up with the salmon.

Two beef coming up to the pass. Two burgers, one bolognese up.

Where's the macaroni (and cheese), please?

All right, I'm a little behind right now on garnish.

Oh, COME ON.

(interview) I am in the weeds so high, I don't know which way is up. (sighs)

When are we gonna get a little help on this garnish, man?

As soon as I can breathe.

(interview) Russell claims he was in the weeds and couldn't get to me. What did Russ do-- a few chicken fingers and two burgers? FUCK THAT! How dare he not slide to help me? I'm pissed.

I'm behind, and we're gonna be fuck on an own doesn't jump with me here.

(interview) I don't know where he got off thinking that we were gonna be his bitch tonight, but that was definitely not my role. I'm here to do my job. I'm not here to babysit you.

Ah, you fucker!

Meanwhile, in the blue kitchen...

(to Rob) Come on, Rob!

All the men need to complete the Ramsay family table is Rob's macaroni and cheese.

(to Vinny) Vinny, get your ass over here. He's weeded. He's weeded bad. What do you mean? (to Rob) Two macaronis! Get him two macaronis. LET'S GO! You got two people working on your station. Now I do, it doesn't matter. Now you do, so don't put up dog shit!

So if he's not ready, then FUCK HIM! (referring Rob) I'll send it separate, okay?

Service, please. [four of the five orders served to the Ramsay family] Come on, guys. Keep it together! In England, we eat at the same fucking time.

(to son Jack) What did you have, Jack?

I am having the macaroni and cheese.

(to Rob) Come on, Rob. It's my family. My son's still waiting for the macaroni and cheese. Now I'm worried now.

(interview) Here we go again, dinner service is going horrible.

(gasps) Fuck you.

Rob, come on!

Come on!

[holds a tickets waiting for his son's macaroni and cheese] Rob, move your ass! Hurry up!

Come on, Rob!

Yes, chef.