Rob quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Okay, what is it?

It's a Mardi Gras gumbo. [lifts the lid]

Oh, God! And does it normally look like a plate of liquid shit?

No. (interview) Every time I make my gumbo, it always gets eaten, and everybody loves it. It's going to be good.

[burp] Excuse me. [throws it up into the trash can] Fucking hell!

[rolls eyes] Oh, God.

Are you crazy? Have you tasted that?

No, I didn't get a chance to taste it, chef.

So you cooked it, and you didn't even taste it?!

I didn't have enough time. I'm so sorry you don't like it.

Don't like it?!

I'm sorry it wasn't up to par.

Up to par?! It's inedible!

[shrugs] Okay, then throw it out.

No! I'm not going to throw it out! (to Raj) Big man!

Yes, sir!

You like your food, take a mouthful. Pass it along.

(interview) It was completely repulsive. I would have rather had a cat shit in my mouth than have eaten that any further!

[reacting as if he got heartburn] Oh, shit!

(interview) Oh, my God. I don't even know how to explain that!

Vinny, what was that tasting of?

A big bowl of mud.

Dear, oh dear!

After hours of tedious cleaning, the women are ready to crash for the night. Meanwhile, the oldest chef, Raj... [Raj yells an Asian-sounding battle cry, causing Russell to glance at him] ...is ready to put on a show.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit, we got a Mr. Miyagi! [Trev laughs]

(interview) I start drinking, and I start doing karate. It's a bad habit.

(interview) Just kick it down a notch and let's put that energy towards your food.

Y'know, I'm gonna get out of the way.

(interview) I thought he was about to have a damn heart attack!

(interview after Raj escaped elimination) I'm more shocked that that lunatic is still here.

(interview) EEEYOW! WOOAAOOAAOOAAOOAAOOH!!! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! Thank you, Lord, thank you, Jesus! WOO! I'M FEELIN' GREAT! Now I'm DEFINITELY going to win this competition now. I know it! (to Vinny) Wheel of karma, baby! You can't get off, these hands are tied.

Raj, Raj, Raj. Please.

You have malice, you know what I mean? I don't have evil designs. I don't lie. I tell the truth!

I didn't lie either.

For you to tell the customers in the dining room not to order food because I'm working it? I mean, that is sick.

(interview) I did not tell those customers "do not order sides." (beat) I highly recommended it. (to Raj) I want to win a restaurant.

Guess what? You ain't.

WOO!!! I'M WINNING THIS MOTHERFUCKING THING!!! [the other chefs attempt to shush him]

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

(interview) I know that the guys on my team have absolutely no chance, so they're doing anything they can to get rid of me. (to the chefs) Lie, don't die!

The guy is here to be an anchor to us. We're gonna have to learn to work with him.

Somebody's gotta get him in line and you guys aren't getting through at all, he seems to listen to me.

Raj listens to you?

Yeah I don't know, I'm one of the few guys who hasn't yelled or screamed at him. (interview) If I can just get Raj to focus, I will. [shot of Raj doing tai-chi in the bedroom] We need to learn to work with the tools that we're given, and he just happens to be one of those tools. (to Vinny, Rob, and Boris) You have to handle him with gloves though, his... [points to his temple]

[in the background] WHAAAAOW!!! [Vinny chuckles]

We gotta get this guy to work somehow.

You can't.

As Melissa starts over with her Dover sole, guests on both sides of the dining room continue to wait, but not for long. In the blue kitchen...

Where's the salmon?!

T-two seconds.

Raj is ready with his second attempt on the salmon.

Two seconds! One, two!

I mean uhm, thirty sec-I mean, uhm, one minute.

Well... almost ready.

Just concentrate. I don't want a blah-blah-blah.

I'm sorry to say that, but it's true.

What a fucking bozo!

Here it is. Here it is. [brings his salmon to the pass, Gordon checks it; finds that it's raw]

Oh, dear. Raj! Come here you. It's, raw. [angrily smashes the raw salmon] It's fucking RAW!!!

(interview) Come on, man!

IT'S RAW!!!

(interview) The guy can't change his underwear the right way.

We haven't even served the fucking entrée, but I need to get food out!

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Chef, can I—would you mind if I said something, chef, or no?

[plugs his ears] Not to me, you're not.

No, don't say a damn thing. Just finish your tickets.

You know the salmon I gave you that you smashed, right? (interview) I'm not this timid man who's just going to sit back and just say, "Okay, chef." [to Gordon] You know, I'm going to try to make a case for myself. Really, chef, really.

We're in the middle of service right now and I just want food. SHUT IT!

(interview) But, um... it's-it's hard. (to his team mates) I got it now. Go ahead! Go, go!

Hey, what do you think this is? A talk show?!

No, no.

COOK YOUR FUCKING DISH, AND SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!!

Yes, chef.

Vinny, get a piece of salmon on there, yes?

Yes, chef. (interview) Raj just cannot cook at all, anything, ever. (to Russell) Give me a time. (interview) So I have to go over and do it for him. (brings Raj's salmon to the pass) Hot behind, salmon on the pass.

Perfect, let's go.

Thanks to Vinny, Raj's salmon is finally on its way out to the dining room.

Blue team, Table 3.

[finds that the pizza is burnt on the bottom; returns and slams the pizza on Rob's station] Come on, chunky monkey! I trusted you. I don't need to turn your pizzas upside down. When it's fucking burnt, don't send it! [gives the pizza to Rob] In fact, you know what? Fuck off to the bar, eat the pizza. Get out, eat it, and come back!

(interview) Come on, get over yourself. It's the last thing I wanted to do while my team's getting pummeled, and it's so degrading. [goes into the bar and eats the burnt pizza]

(to Louis) You can't fucking cook a pork chop, he (Rob) cremates a fucking pizza!

(interview) I don't know if that was really a punishment for Rob. I mean, come on. Chef Ramsay sends the fat guy to the bar to go eat his own burnt pizza.

[eats burnt pizza at the bar] Fucking humiliating bullshit.

(to Boris) Can you stop washing pans?

Boris!

(interview) Wow, Boris! What the fuck!

This is a fucking kitchen!! I'M TRYING TO FUCKING RUN A GODDAMN RESTAURANT!!!

Yes, chef.

Come here you! [leads Boris to the washroom] You want to wash pans?! Get down there! Fuck off will you?! Do it full-time! Get on there! What a muppet.

(interview) I've never been kicked out of the kitchen in my life and it's all my fucking fault.

LA Market is not looking for a fucking head chef in PANS!

Melissa, scallop salad, how long?

I'm all out of scallops chef.

What?!

I cooked the shit out of all the scallops. I fucked the team chef.

What the fuck are we doing? (gets the rejected scallops on Melissa's station) Oh, my God...

That's all the scallops!

Oh, my God.

Just come here, all of you. Stop. All of you, Vinny! (gives the plate of scallops to Russell) Take the plate, take the fucking plate! Pass it around!

Seven pounds of scallops.

(interview) She just can't cook.

(interview) Melissa must have cooked about ten pounds of scallops, all cooked off to the garbage.

(interview) It is just fucking embarrassing.

[gives Gordon a ticket] It's your family.

Here we go. On order: six covers, table one.

Yes, chef!

Three wings, one mozzarella, one risotto, one truffle salad.

Yes, chef!

My family!

(interview) We better get this fucking order right.

Let's go, guys yes?

Three wings, one mozz is coming chef. Vinny, are you ready on the risotto?

No, no.

Vinny, I need the fucking risotto! What are you doing?

(interview) I can't sit there and [waves his hands] go like this and have my risottos' magically finish.

Hurry up Vinny! We've got to go up now!

Yes, chef. (interview) I grabbed the risotto I had just sent up for the previous table. There's nothing wrong with it.

Yo, I'm going up with the risotto, guys!

No, that's not fair. That's old! Trying to get away. Hey bozo, come here you.

Yes, chef. What happened?

Shut your fat East-Coast mouth.

Yes, chef.

This table that you just sent me that shit for happens to be my family!

(interview) Oh, no. What are you doing?

And even if it's not my family, they deserve a fresh risotto. Look at me--

Yes, chef.

--you dirty little fucker! If you can't be bothered to do it, fuck off out of here! Do you want to go home? Whether it's my family or not, if your family were here, or your family were here, or your family, I'd make YOUR family or YOUR wife or YOUR children a fresh FUCKING risotto! He sneaks that in there. Yeah. That's the shit I served five minutes ago!

Okay, refire guys!

Everybody's really happy, apart from your family.

Apart from my family? Come on, Vinny!

(interview) Yes, chef. Sorry, chef, won't happen again. That's all he wants to hear and I'll fix it.

IT'S MY FAMILY'S ORDER! One salmon, one beef, one macaroni and cheese, one bolognese, two burgers.

Let's go, guys. Let's make it happen.

The men are scrambling to get entrees out to chef Ramsay's family.

Chef, I'm coming up with the salmon.

Two beef coming up to the pass. Two burgers, one bolognese up.

Where's the macaroni (and cheese), please?

All right, I'm a little behind right now on garnish.

Oh, COME ON.

(interview) I am in the weeds so high, I don't know which way is up. (sighs)

When are we gonna get a little help on this garnish, man?

As soon as I can breathe.

(interview) Russell claims he was in the weeds and couldn't get to me. What did Russ do-- a few chicken fingers and two burgers? FUCK THAT! How dare he not slide to help me? I'm pissed.

I'm behind, and we're gonna be fuck on an own doesn't jump with me here.

(interview) I don't know where he got off thinking that we were gonna be his bitch tonight, but that was definitely not my role. I'm here to do my job. I'm not here to babysit you.

Ah, you fucker!

Meanwhile, in the blue kitchen...

(to Rob) Come on, Rob!

All the men need to complete the Ramsay family table is Rob's macaroni and cheese.

(to Vinny) Vinny, get your ass over here. He's weeded. He's weeded bad. What do you mean? (to Rob) Two macaronis! Get him two macaronis. LET'S GO! You got two people working on your station. Now I do, it doesn't matter. Now you do, so don't put up dog shit!

So if he's not ready, then FUCK HIM! (referring Rob) I'll send it separate, okay?

Service, please. [four of the five orders served to the Ramsay family] Come on, guys. Keep it together! In England, we eat at the same fucking time.

(to son Jack) What did you have, Jack?

I am having the macaroni and cheese.

(to Rob) Come on, Rob. It's my family. My son's still waiting for the macaroni and cheese. Now I'm worried now.

(interview) Here we go again, dinner service is going horrible.

(gasps) Fuck you.

Rob, come on!

Come on!

[holds a tickets waiting for his son's macaroni and cheese] Rob, move your ass! Hurry up!

Come on, Rob!

Yes, chef.

(to Scott) Is it cooked?

Uh, it's cooked alright. Half of it is mush on the outside and the center's well done.

Uh oh.

[returns the lobster to the workstation] On a night like tonight! You (Rob) keep me dragging for the chicken! You (Boris) keep me dragging for the appetisers, then Vinny sends me this.

I'll fix it.

(sarcastically) "I'll fix it."

(interview) We're going down in a heap like a California mud-slide.

Chicken?

(brings his chicken to the pass) Going up with the chicken!

It's pink. [returns the chicken to the workstation] All of you, come here!

(interview) Uh-oh. It's fucking chicken, Rob.

Pink, pink, don't dare touch it... pink, pink. All of you! What are we doing here? [Shows the faces of Boris, Russell, Christina & Rock, the people in the dining room, Danny & Holli, Vinny & Rob] GET OUT! Get out of here. [angrily throws his spoon at the Blue team as they exit the kitchen] GET OUT!

[points at red kitchen] They're on their fifth ticket, you're on your second.

(to Rob) Step it up.

We gotta come back from this. Let's go. Push it out!

Come on, Rob!

Yes, chef.

Move it, big boy!

Yes, chef.

Rob, (claps) MOVE!

Yes, chef! (brings scallops to the pass)

[checks scallops with Sous Chef Scott] There's no colour on there.

He's just not starting with the pan hot enough.

[returns to workstation] I've got no fucking colour on my SCALLOPS! [angrily drops plate] FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

(interview) Come on! Let's get through a fucking service, please!

They're raw, Rob!

I gave them a minute each side!

What's that gotta do with it? Where's your oil? They're fucking raw! [starts cooking Rob's raw scallops] You take them out when they're fucking cooked! Their table's eating bar one!

(interview) Ninth service, and Rob still can't cook scallops.

Rob, the largest one is the thickest one, so that comes out last.

(interview) I mean, Rob... Are you a complete fucking idiot?

Sorry about the delay, let's go.

That won't happen again, guys. I got it.

[returns to workstation] Fuck! Off! Yeah, come on. (to Rob) Come here you. Look at that. It's like split vomit. Look at that. Hold on, it gets worse. [splits one halibut in half] Raw. [angrily throws the halibut away on the workstation] Fuck off!

DAMMIT, LET'S GO! FOCUS!

Sorry, bro. Sorry.

Quit saying sorry and just go! Guys, we need to GO!

Here we go, yet again. Nothing's coming out! Hey, (Rob) you! Come here, you! Come here, come here you. Come here, you. [leads Rob into the dining room]

(interview) Here goes Rob. Bye, Rob.

You've got five minutes to wake up, otherwise you're history. [Rob and Gordon head back into the kitchen] Hey, hey, hey, hey, big boy. And I mean five minutes! I'LL DO IT MY FUCKING SELF, AND I'LL DO IT ON THE SECTION MYSELF AND I'LL RUN THE FUCKING HOT PLATE ON MY FUCKING OWN!

Who cooked the gnocchi?

I did chef.

Yeah, crispy one side and raw. They're raw underneath. [throws the gnocchi away] Hey!

I'll fix it.

Hey, GET OUT! Fix your fucking hair! Fuck off out upstairs, get out! Fuck off!

(interview) Of all the things, fucking gnocchi. Gnocchi of all things.

Garnish is in the window! [brings his garnish to the pass]

Coming to the window with chicken! [brings his chicken to the pass]

[checking Russell's chicken] My fucking head's throbbing! [returns to the workstation] (to Russell) That is raw!

Can I send this one?

Get out, Russell! Get out! Because the chicken's raw! (to Rob) Hey, big boy. One more fuck-up, you're next. Except it won't be up there, it'll be [points at dining room] FUCKING STRAIGHT OUT THERE!

(interview) Chef Ramsay's pissed! Fuming! We're going down like a sinking ship, and there are no lifeboats left.