“Episode One” quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Okay, what is it?

It's a Mardi Gras gumbo. [lifts the lid]

Oh, God! And does it normally look like a plate of liquid shit?

No. (interview) Every time I make my gumbo, it always gets eaten, and everybody loves it. It's going to be good.

[burp] Excuse me. [throws it up into the trash can] Fucking hell!

[rolls eyes] Oh, God.

Are you crazy? Have you tasted that?

No, I didn't get a chance to taste it, chef.

So you cooked it, and you didn't even taste it?!

I didn't have enough time. I'm so sorry you don't like it.

Don't like it?!

I'm sorry it wasn't up to par.

Up to par?! It's inedible!

[shrugs] Okay, then throw it out.

No! I'm not going to throw it out! (to Raj) Big man!

Yes, sir!

You like your food, take a mouthful. Pass it along.

(interview) It was completely repulsive. I would have rather had a cat shit in my mouth than have eaten that any further!

[reacting as if he got heartburn] Oh, shit!

(interview) Oh, my God. I don't even know how to explain that!

Vinny, what was that tasting of?

A big bowl of mud.

Dear, oh dear!

(to Raj) Nice suspenders. (they are both wearing suspenders)

Oh thank you. Sir, yes sir, Chef.

Big boy, first name is...

Raj. (interview) I am an executive chef, and I began cooking when I was 14 years old.

Show me your dish.

(interview) I was always the best cook in the kitchen, so I can't see why this would be any different. [to Gordon] This is a seafood and vegetable pancake.

My God! It's a what?

A seafood and vegetable pancake.

Pancake?!

Yeah, it's a pancake.

What?! That is a pancake?

It's a–Yeah.

Does that look like a pancake?!

Mm-hmm.

[tilts the plate allowing the grease from the pancake to drip down] Oh, it's going for a piss. A pancake that pisses. [tastes] It's a shame because the seafood actually tastes quite nice inside.

Oh, thank you.

However, it looks a mess. Presentation's shocking.

After hours of tedious cleaning, the women are ready to crash for the night. Meanwhile, the oldest chef, Raj... [Raj yells an Asian-sounding battle cry, causing Russell to glance at him] ...is ready to put on a show.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit, we got a Mr. Miyagi! [Trev laughs]

(interview) I start drinking, and I start doing karate. It's a bad habit.

(interview) Just kick it down a notch and let's put that energy towards your food.

Y'know, I'm gonna get out of the way.

(interview) I thought he was about to have a damn heart attack!

All of you. ALL OF YOU, GET HERE!! Who dressed that?!

I did. [Gordon raises an overdressed piece of lettuce] Too much.

"Too much?!" Did you honestly think they came here for that?!

No.

We got worse now. We can't even dress a fucking salad! [throws the salad away] SALAD, TREV! LET'S GO!!

(interview) Who doesn't know how to make a salad? [points to himself] This guy!

Thanks to Trev, no appetizers have left the blue kitchen.

We've had a long wait. Very bright.

Apologies.

The Red team, however, have served half of their customers' appetizers, but some of them have not received their welcoming pizza.

(with a pizza) Melissa.

Yes, chef?

Touch that. Touch that. What is that?

It's raw, chef.

It's what?

It's raw, chef.

Touch that! It's raw, Melissa!

Yes, chef.

It's raw! Come on!

Yes, chef.

[mocking Gordon] "It's rawww!!" [smiles] "It's fucking rawww!!"

(interview) Boris, what were you thinking, buddy? You don't mock Gordon Ramsay.

Boris.

Yes, sir?

Come here.

Yes, sir.

So I'm telling her about a raw pizza and you're mimicking me out in the back.

Sorry, chef.

Yeah, so I'm telling her the pizza's raw, come here, you fuck-face!

(interview) Oh, no!

And there you go, you touch it then. Now look at me! Take the piss out of me now, fuck-face. What's your fucking crack?

I don't have any crack, chef.

Yeah. What's your game?

I'm just here to cook, sir.

Now look at me! You fucking take the piss out of me one more time in the middle of fucking service, yeah, kiss your fuckin' ass goodbye. Is that clear?

Understood, chef.

WAKE UP!!!

It will not happen again. (interview) Shouldn't have done that, and I meant no disrespect. What can I say? I'm losing my mind.

(to Boris) Just concentrate. Look at me, look at me. Just fucking concentrate.

Will do, chef. Yes, sir.

While Lisa's work on the fish station has left her teammates seriously underwhelmed, over in the blue kitchen...

Trev!

Chef.

Trev's salad is once again seriously overdressed.

Oh, my God!

Probably too much, chef.

That's just on one fucking leaf, come on!

Yes, chef.

Dress me a fucking SALAD!!! [violently throws the salad on the floor] Hey... fuck - you - all.

(interview) I almost wrapped my hands around his narrow neck. Salad! Salad! [shot of Trev remaking the salad] Get the salad out! Nothing's easier.

(brings up his salad) Here's that salad you're waiting on.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

(to waiters) Service, please? BLUE TEAM!

Yes, chef?

One hour and 30 minutes into service, that's the first table of appetizers gone!

Yes, chef!

Ohhh, fucking hell.

Here's the two beef and a lamb.

What is she doing?

Two beef and lamb, where's the halibut?

Well, I just wanted to bring this to you, chef.

You just what?

I wanted to bring this to you, chef.

What?!

(interview; in a high pitch voice) Wha-- a-- Is this bitch crazy?!

And where's the halibut, then? And where's the garnish? (to Gail) Are you ready?

No, chef. (interview) I told her not to bring the beef up because everything has to come up at the pass together so that we can send out the whole entire table together at the same time.

Why are you throwing them under the bus?

I'm not, chef.

So what the fuck is this doing here?!

I'm sorry, chef. I cooked it for you, chef. I don't know--

What can I do with it?

Nothing, chef.

Oh, fuck off. Hey, Baby Spice. As long as you're okay, right?

No, chef.

"Here's my food, fuck everybody else! She doesn't fucking care.

While Sabrina needs to get back in sync with her team, in the Blue kitchen, Chef Ramsay needs...

Raj! Help them, or fuck off!

[enters the Blue kitchen] (interview) It was fairly abusive on his part, but I'm a little bit worried about Chef Ramsay's, you know, karma.

Russell.

Yes, sir.

Get off of there...

Yes, sir.

...and let these two work as a team.

(interview) Boris and Raj are working together. It's like watching two idiots do a Rubik's Cube. There's no chance on Earth they're going to get it right.

Mozzarella cheese, I got the cheese. (To Raj) All I'm asking you is to please help me the roll the fucking dough.

Where the fuck is it?

It's here. First, shape it. Here. Put it here, put it down, shape it.

The dough's there, you can't roll it.

ROLL. The FUCKING. PIZZA DOUGH.

Here's more mozzarella. [starts slicing the mozzarella]

(To Raj) Th-- ROLL THE FUCKIN' PIZZA DOUGH! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?! Are you fuckin'-...? URRRGGGGHHHH!!! (interview) My partner was sent here to sabotage. That guy is fucking nuts.

Why aren't you two working as a team?

We're doing the best we can, chef.

We're screwed on a fucking pizza.

Jesus. Lisa!

Yes, chef?

Come here! [returns the halibut to the workstation] It's sushi!

I'm sorry, chef.

Hey, madam. What's happening here?!

(interview) It was a mess. I fucked up big time, and really I'm disappointed at myself.

Chef, I've got tables walking out. They've been here two hours, chef.

Fucking hell. Hey, ladies, come here. Hey, all of you, come here. LADIES, Move your fuckin' ass. BORIS!

Yes, chef?

Look out there. Are you kidding me? Tables are leaving. No one's even working together. No one's even caring. You're (Sabrina) bringing me the main courses, bypassing your team. You (Boris) laughed at me earlier, pissing around with your fucking pizzas. And you (Raj), you've just switched off. Where do we go? No one's even caring. FUCK OFF, is that clear?

Yes, chef.

Everything off. Clear down.

That honestly has to be the worst ever opening in Hell's Kitchen. Tonight, we set slow. Congratulation. So far, you're a joke. There's no winning team. Both teams,I want you to go upstairs and nominate two from the men,and two from the ladies. But the good news is, you're spoilt for choice. Now FUCK OFF.

Raj, why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?

Now that I'm more familiar with everything, I'll be able to jump in there and really cook the food correctly.

Aren't you the most experienced chef in here?

Yes.

You've been cooking longer than me!

Yes.

[squirms] Shit!

Sabrina, you are quite frankly the most selfish cook in here.

Believe it or not, you don't know me, and you don't know what I'm capable of, Chef. I made a mistake, I fucked up. Give me an opportunity to prove to you that I can do better, chef, and honestly if it's between us two (her and Lisa)... I mean... I'm...

Yeah, thank you.

She's spent, Chef... you know...I'm young. The world is my oyster. [simultaneously] Just give me...You're spent.

What was that? I'm spent? Spent?

[clarifying] Finished.

Yeah, you're finished.

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm serious.

I will cook circles around you, honey. I may be 48, but believe me, you don't have a chance.

Sabrina, who do you think should go home?

I think that Nona should go home, chef. Her idea of fine dining is fried chicken, chef? She can't cook asparagus. She...snores and it keeps us all awake, and I honestly believe she's good for nothing, chef.

(whispering) That was low.

She's crap, and she can't cook asparagus, but she's not standing in your shoes there. Quite frankly, all four of you (Lisa, Sabrina, Raj and Trev) should go.