Vinny Accardi quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Okay, what is it?

It's a Mardi Gras gumbo. [lifts the lid]

Oh, God! And does it normally look like a plate of liquid shit?

No. (interview) Every time I make my gumbo, it always gets eaten, and everybody loves it. It's going to be good.

[burp] Excuse me. [throws it up into the trash can] Fucking hell!

[rolls eyes] Oh, God.

Are you crazy? Have you tasted that?

No, I didn't get a chance to taste it, chef.

So you cooked it, and you didn't even taste it?!

I didn't have enough time. I'm so sorry you don't like it.

Don't like it?!

I'm sorry it wasn't up to par.

Up to par?! It's inedible!

[shrugs] Okay, then throw it out.

No! I'm not going to throw it out! (to Raj) Big man!

Yes, sir!

You like your food, take a mouthful. Pass it along.

(interview) It was completely repulsive. I would have rather had a cat shit in my mouth than have eaten that any further!

[reacting as if he got heartburn] Oh, shit!

(interview) Oh, my God. I don't even know how to explain that!

Vinny, what was that tasting of?

A big bowl of mud.

Dear, oh dear!

Good morning.

Good morning, chef.

Last night's service was memorable, [Red team members turn to Raj, who was breathing loud] for all the wrong reasons. [Gordon hears the breathing as well] Who's breathing? What is that? [Russell points to Raj] Are you okay?

(interview) Raj was breathing a little bit creepy like, [imitates Raj's breathing; same as Jillian]

(interview; also imitates Raj's breathing) And it sounded like a big jerk!

Slow down!

Yes, chef.

It's 90 minutes into dinner service, and food has been ridiculously slow leaving the blue kitchen...

(walking up the stairs to take a table's order) Hello guys.

...but Vinny has a plan to speed things up.

(to the diners) I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you: you guys order sides, you're gonna be here till next Tuesday. (interview) I have zero confidence that Raj is getting out garnishes and sides.

No sides.

Yeah. (Vinny smiles and gives a thumbs-up)

(interview) So I came up with a bit of a clever idea.

(to the same diners that Vinny just waited on) How's the service this evening?

We can't order sides...

Why are you not allowed to order sides?

Because I guess we can get our food quicker if we don't order sides?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Um, let me go speak to the chef about this.

(to Scott) Yeah, just check that. There's no sides on there, I don't know why.

(to Vinny) Come over here! (to Gordon) Chef, one of his tables, he's telling them they could not have side orders because it takes too long to get it out of the kitchen.

What I said was, I'd be happy to bring them to you...

Shut up! Come in here!

That is not what I told them.

Why?

That is NOT what I told them.

What did you tell them?

Exactly what I told them was this: I said "I'm telling you the truth. The sides are delicious, but it's going to take a lot longer if you want sides, so..."

STOP EVERYBODY! Now Captain Vinny here is telling the customers not to order sides! (to Raj) Come here. Did you tell him not to order sides?

Of course not! Why would I say that?

Don't fucking shout at me, fuck-face! You told him that? "Don't push the sides, so I look good."

No, I'm ready with the sides! Look, I got all the sides ready, I'm waiting for them.

So why's he not taking the orders?

I have no idea, but look at these sides, it's all ready! He's- he's- I'm- he's- okay...

Do you want to know the truth?

Yeah, I do want to know the truth!

The truth is, I have no faith that he's going to be able to get the sides out.

You'd better understand one fucking thing! You do NOT decide what goes out this kitchen!

(mumbles) I don't know.

GET OUT.

Yes, chef.

GET OUT, YOU!

Boris, Raj. Step forward. Unbelievable! [brief pause] Wait a second. Somebody else needs to be up here. [another brief pause] Vinny, step forward! [Vinny stands in between Boris and Raj] I am PISSED! You have no right to recommend to the guests not to have a side with an entrée!

After my first table waited nearly two hours for their appetizers, I just wanted them to have an opportunity to experience some of your food. That's what they came here for.

Entrées on that menu are designed to go with sides! Is that clear?

Yes, chef.

(interview after Raj escaped elimination) I'm more shocked that that lunatic is still here.

(interview) EEEYOW! WOOAAOOAAOOAAOOAAOOH!!! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! Thank you, Lord, thank you, Jesus! WOO! I'M FEELIN' GREAT! Now I'm DEFINITELY going to win this competition now. I know it! (to Vinny) Wheel of karma, baby! You can't get off, these hands are tied.

Raj, Raj, Raj. Please.

You have malice, you know what I mean? I don't have evil designs. I don't lie. I tell the truth!

I didn't lie either.

For you to tell the customers in the dining room not to order food because I'm working it? I mean, that is sick.

(interview) I did not tell those customers "do not order sides." (beat) I highly recommended it. (to Raj) I want to win a restaurant.

Guess what? You ain't.

WOO!!! I'M WINNING THIS MOTHERFUCKING THING!!! [the other chefs attempt to shush him]

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

(interview) I know that the guys on my team have absolutely no chance, so they're doing anything they can to get rid of me. (to the chefs) Lie, don't die!

The guy is here to be an anchor to us. We're gonna have to learn to work with him.

Somebody's gotta get him in line and you guys aren't getting through at all, he seems to listen to me.

Raj listens to you?

Yeah I don't know, I'm one of the few guys who hasn't yelled or screamed at him. (interview) If I can just get Raj to focus, I will. [shot of Raj doing tai-chi in the bedroom] We need to learn to work with the tools that we're given, and he just happens to be one of those tools. (to Vinny, Rob, and Boris) You have to handle him with gloves though, his... [points to his temple]

[in the background] WHAAAAOW!!! [Vinny chuckles]

We gotta get this guy to work somehow.

You can't.

Raj? Raj? Just give up halfway?

No, I just wanted to cover it.

Give me the fucking wrap. (interview) I've tried everything I can with this big, dumb animal and it's just–it's frustrating. It's tiring. (to Vinny) It's bullshit that he's even still here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait.

You might have been cooking the longest. Obviously, you've cooked in shit restaurants for the last 30 years.

Unfair.

What's unfair about it?! You suck!

And you tanked us.

You guys are going to keep going with it?

Yes! Until it gets through that thick skull of yours!

(interview) Trevor's harassing me for no reason, and he's being more of a problem than a solution. (to Trev and Vinny) You guys seem to be targeting me in a vicious fashion. You got something about me, because I'm older?

Go home, Raj! Just go home. Go home and stuff yourself with Twinkies so you have a fucking heart attack on your recliner!

Oh, so now you're going to make fun of my weight?

We got to figure out what you're good at. You got to be good at something, right? Aside from sleeping and fucking eating and running your goddamn jaw. You got to be good at something! Mr. "I'm a chef and I'm almost 50. I got more experience than everybody." What the fuck have you done so far?! You're fucking dilly-dallying in the fucking pastry section, and the shit you've cooked doesn't even work–

Shut up! [Snaps and gets in Trev's face] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Or what?

Guys, guys, guys! Come on!

I said shut up! Just shut up!

Or what?!

Fuck all you motherfuckers! YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF SNAKES! [to Trev] YOU FUCKIN' SNAKE! (interview) I'm being targeted, I'm being harassed, and I'm really at the point where I don't know what to do!

Raj, can I have a word with you?

I'm tired, dammit!

Just one minute? Listen to me. Listen to me. Raj, please! Raj! Raj! [takes Raj into the hallway] We need listen and work together! (interview) I don't want to see anybody getting hurt. I don't want to see anyone throwing it off, because we need every man on our team. Including Raj.

You gotta listen to me. You alright? (interview) But... that guy is fucking nuts!

While the blue team...

Salmon!

The salmon's ready.

...has moved on to entrées.

And it's perfect! (interview) I have personally cooked thousands and thousands and thousands of pieces of salmon in my life.

What's that in there? Wh-what...?

That's not grilled.

Oh, dear. Raj! What's that? What is that stock he's putting in that salmon?

It's supposed be grilled, dude.

Yeah, I grilled it, and then I finished it with a little bit of sauce.

No sauce, bro. [Gordon drains the contents of the pan onto Raj's worktop and drops the pan] C'mon, get another one going, bro!

(interview) My personal techniques are not working for Chef Ramsay.

Disgusting!

(interview) He's the chef, it's his opinion, and I have zero opinion.

Start over.

Raj's cooking techniques aren't cutting in with Chef Ramsay. And in the Red kitchen...

(with an overcooked Dover Sole) Melissa, it's overcooked!

...neither are Melissa's.

Out it comes, look at that. Overcooked on the bottom, crispy as fuck, and it looks like Gandhi's flip-flop! (drops the Dover Sole) What a shame!

(interview) I don't know where he comes up with this stuff! Gandhi didn't even wear flip-flops, he lived in the jungle, I don't think the dude even had shoes.

Look it underneath! [knocks his hand on the workstation]

(interview) Shit!

As Melissa starts over with her Dover sole, guests on both sides of the dining room continue to wait, but not for long. In the blue kitchen...

Where's the salmon?!

T-two seconds.

Raj is ready with his second attempt on the salmon.

Two seconds! One, two!

I mean uhm, thirty sec-I mean, uhm, one minute.

Well... almost ready.

Just concentrate. I don't want a blah-blah-blah.

I'm sorry to say that, but it's true.

What a fucking bozo!

Here it is. Here it is. [brings his salmon to the pass, Gordon checks it; finds that it's raw]

Oh, dear. Raj! Come here you. It's, raw. [angrily smashes the raw salmon] It's fucking RAW!!!

(interview) Come on, man!

IT'S RAW!!!

(interview) The guy can't change his underwear the right way.

We haven't even served the fucking entrée, but I need to get food out!

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Chef, can I—would you mind if I said something, chef, or no?

[plugs his ears] Not to me, you're not.

No, don't say a damn thing. Just finish your tickets.

You know the salmon I gave you that you smashed, right? (interview) I'm not this timid man who's just going to sit back and just say, "Okay, chef." [to Gordon] You know, I'm going to try to make a case for myself. Really, chef, really.

We're in the middle of service right now and I just want food. SHUT IT!

(interview) But, um... it's-it's hard. (to his team mates) I got it now. Go ahead! Go, go!

Hey, what do you think this is? A talk show?!

No, no.

COOK YOUR FUCKING DISH, AND SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!!

Yes, chef.

Vinny, get a piece of salmon on there, yes?

Yes, chef. (interview) Raj just cannot cook at all, anything, ever. (to Russell) Give me a time. (interview) So I have to go over and do it for him. (brings Raj's salmon to the pass) Hot behind, salmon on the pass.

Perfect, let's go.

Thanks to Vinny, Raj's salmon is finally on its way out to the dining room.

Back in the blue kitchen...

Up to the pass with the halibut. (brings his halibut to the pass)

Raj is eager to finally impress Chef Ramsay.

Sorry about the delay, let's go.

(interview) HIIYYYYAAAHHHH! HAH!

Maybe, a little too eager.

[finds that Raj has cooked three other Dover soles] How many have you cooked? One, two, three. Oh my God.

(interview) When I get busy, I just start firing everything. So when they need it, I got it.

What are you doing? Playing the odds? Maybe one will be good out of three?

(interview) But this is Chef Ramsay's kitchen, you can't do that.

Why would I try to fire three tables?

Uhm, yes. Uhm...

(disgusted) Donkey.

Dude, you can't serve this to anybody. He's not going to take that. (interview) Raj cooks three Dover soles before they were even remotely close to... to needing them.

SOLE SPECIAL!

Chef, we ran out of the sole special.

What... [reaches for a ticket] I've got three on OR-DER?!?!

(interview) We ran out of Dover sole? Oh, man. This is going to be real ugly.

Oh, no... [goes near the door and sits in fetal position]

(interview) This sucks. Embarrassing! Fuck!

(interview) It's a very bad situation. I don't know what we're going to do. I think we have to figure something out quickly.

[to Raj] Get out there and tell them you're dragging two! And you go to the customers and tell them you fucked it up!

I need another jacket, though. I can't go out there with this jacket.

Hey come—come here you. If I tell you to get out there, I don't give a fuck if you've got a thong on your fat crack, get out there!

I can't, with this thing. I can't, I'm sorry, chef.

Hey, hey, listen. Fuck off out there, will you?

[removes his apron and goes over to Chef Scott] I can't put this—

PUT IT DOWN, AND GET OUT THERE!

[leaves the kitchen and goes to the diners to apologize] (interview) Couple of things are going to my head. [talks to hungry diners] Hi, my name is Raj.

How's it going back there?

(interview) My God, look at this, I'm a star. [talks to the diners again] I'm terribly sorry, but we ran out of the sole special. (interview) Then the next thing you know, look at this, I'm an idiot. So it's this elation and then this degration. All at the same time. [to the diners] We have other nice fish, though, if you'd like to try that instead.

Sabrina, tell me very quickly, why you should stay in Hell's Kitchen.

I don't think that I should go home. I shouldn't be here, Melissa should be here. Who has been consistently horrible? The executive chef, right there! Emily, yeah, she fucked up and she sucks, but at least she hasn't done as horribly as Melissa.

Take a big, deep breath. I want to know why you think you should stay in Hell's Kitchen, yeah? You.

I'm here to learn, and I'm here to grow. I have bigger balls and more determination than any of these fucking girls here! All of them put together chef!

Okay, this is a very difficult decision. The person leaving Hell's Kitchen is... [a pause, then points to the blue team, who won the night's service] Raj. Get your arse over here. [Raj stands up and goes to Gordon, while the assembled Red and Blue team members laugh at him] You, big boy, are out of your league, big time. And I personally can't go an inch further. Jacket. [Raj hands over his jacket, then goes in the direction of Gordon's office; Gordon points him to the actual exit] There's the door there, big boy.

[outside the restaurant] I can't believe it. It's just a shock. I didn't get along with anybody. I didn't get along with Chef Ramsay. I didn't get along with Scott. I didn't like the menu. But it was a great experience. I had a great time, and I'm really glad I did it.

[to the blue team] Relieved?

Oh, man. That was like a reward, bro. Thank you.

Melissa, scallop salad, how long?

I'm all out of scallops chef.

What?!

I cooked the shit out of all the scallops. I fucked the team chef.

What the fuck are we doing? (gets the rejected scallops on Melissa's station) Oh, my God...

That's all the scallops!

Oh, my God.

Just come here, all of you. Stop. All of you, Vinny! (gives the plate of scallops to Russell) Take the plate, take the fucking plate! Pass it around!

Seven pounds of scallops.

(interview) She just can't cook.

(interview) Melissa must have cooked about ten pounds of scallops, all cooked off to the garbage.

(interview) It is just fucking embarrassing.

[gives Gordon a ticket] It's your family.

Here we go. On order: six covers, table one.

Yes, chef!

Three wings, one mozzarella, one risotto, one truffle salad.

Yes, chef!

My family!

(interview) We better get this fucking order right.

Let's go, guys yes?

Three wings, one mozz is coming chef. Vinny, are you ready on the risotto?

No, no.

Vinny, I need the fucking risotto! What are you doing?

(interview) I can't sit there and [waves his hands] go like this and have my risottos' magically finish.

Hurry up Vinny! We've got to go up now!

Yes, chef. (interview) I grabbed the risotto I had just sent up for the previous table. There's nothing wrong with it.

Yo, I'm going up with the risotto, guys!

No, that's not fair. That's old! Trying to get away. Hey bozo, come here you.

Yes, chef. What happened?

Shut your fat East-Coast mouth.

Yes, chef.

This table that you just sent me that shit for happens to be my family!

(interview) Oh, no. What are you doing?

And even if it's not my family, they deserve a fresh risotto. Look at me--

Yes, chef.

--you dirty little fucker! If you can't be bothered to do it, fuck off out of here! Do you want to go home? Whether it's my family or not, if your family were here, or your family were here, or your family, I'd make YOUR family or YOUR wife or YOUR children a fresh FUCKING risotto! He sneaks that in there. Yeah. That's the shit I served five minutes ago!

Okay, refire guys!

Everybody's really happy, apart from your family.

Apart from my family? Come on, Vinny!

(interview) Yes, chef. Sorry, chef, won't happen again. That's all he wants to hear and I'll fix it.

(to Scott) Is it cooked?

Uh, it's cooked alright. Half of it is mush on the outside and the center's well done.

Uh oh.

[returns the lobster to the workstation] On a night like tonight! You (Rob) keep me dragging for the chicken! You (Boris) keep me dragging for the appetisers, then Vinny sends me this.

I'll fix it.

(sarcastically) "I'll fix it."

(interview) We're going down in a heap like a California mud-slide.

Chicken?

(brings his chicken to the pass) Going up with the chicken!

It's pink. [returns the chicken to the workstation] All of you, come here!

(interview) Uh-oh. It's fucking chicken, Rob.

Pink, pink, don't dare touch it... pink, pink. All of you! What are we doing here? [Shows the faces of Boris, Russell, Christina & Rock, the people in the dining room, Danny & Holli, Vinny & Rob] GET OUT! Get out of here. [angrily throws his spoon at the Blue team as they exit the kitchen] GET OUT!

Who cooked the gnocchi?

I did chef.

Yeah, crispy one side and raw. They're raw underneath. [throws the gnocchi away] Hey!

I'll fix it.

Hey, GET OUT! Fix your fucking hair! Fuck off out upstairs, get out! Fuck off!

(interview) Of all the things, fucking gnocchi. Gnocchi of all things.

Garnish is in the window! [brings his garnish to the pass]

Coming to the window with chicken! [brings his chicken to the pass]

[checking Russell's chicken] My fucking head's throbbing! [returns to the workstation] (to Russell) That is raw!

Can I send this one?

Get out, Russell! Get out! Because the chicken's raw! (to Rob) Hey, big boy. One more fuck-up, you're next. Except it won't be up there, it'll be [points at dining room] FUCKING STRAIGHT OUT THERE!

(interview) Chef Ramsay's pissed! Fuming! We're going down like a sinking ship, and there are no lifeboats left.