Narrator quotes from Hell's Kitchen

How are you doing Rosann?

Where's the fucking garnish? [Rosann's garnish pan catches fire] That's burned! Hey madam, come here. Why are you burning veg?

It was an accident chef.

(interview) Rosann just doesn't know how to organize herself. She gets herself worked up and burns garnishes...

The beef is cooked and I still haven't got the garnish.

(interview)...and it screws up the rest of the team.

You're not trustworthy on service! I'm nervous with you in the kitchen! We haven't got the garnish, Rosann!

I'm have to tell you as a profession, this is the last order of gnocchi that I have and I'm going to be short on the last order.

Oh...fucking shit.

I'm sorry. Sorry, chef.

I'm sorry you're here. Oh fucking hell. Carrot purée! How long?

Chef's calling for carrot purée.

Carrot purée?

Carrot purée!

Carrot purée, let's go.

Where's the carrot purée? Where is it? Rosann!

I'm running out of c...carrot purée.

Oh, my God almighty. [goes over to the glass window and repeatedly bangs his head] Fuck me.

How about some carrots chef? I'll give you baby carrots chef. Carrots or mash? I've got plenty of mash!

While Chef Ramsay takes a moment to reflect...

Louross! Raw steak!!

Ohhhhhh.

And he goes like this, "Ohhhhhh." as if he's performing for the Oscars. If your fucking cooking was as good as your acting, you'd be talented, you dick!

(interview) It started off good and then all of the sudden, it fucking went downhill.

What's the matter?

Twenty-three. They're all medium rare.

Oh fuck me! Ohhhhh. Louross! Come here, you! Let's go and you touch it well. Come on, touch! (touches the raw steak on his hand)

Blue, chef! BLUE!

Yeah, it's raw. How could I get down on my knees. Yeah, it's fucking raw! Hey, look at me! Is that better? It's raw, you fucking idiot!

(interview) Louross is really just dropped the ball to horrific, horrendous, it's just horrible. He just could not handle meat station at all.

Oh, fucking hell! Oh, come on.

(to himself) This is not good at all.

[after Jean-Philippe returned again with filet mignon] Hey, you, you, you, come here! Look at that... look! Three of the have come back! You put your team into shit!

(interview) I hate the word "filet mignon" out, I do seriously. If I ever see another filet mignon, I will like throw it. Oh like, that someone's face.

(to Louross) One more fucking steak returns to the kitchen, I'm closing your kitchen.

With the threat of a shut down looming, Louross tries again on the meat station.

With food finally leaving the kitchen, all Chef Ramsay wants...

Why are we going with this table?

I'm coming up with it, chef! (brings his meat to the pass)

...is to keep it going.

All of you, just fucking come here! You (Corey) as well with your burn! This is why I'm pissed off! Touch that. That's (wellington) fucking raw, and that's (beef) fucking what? Look at the colour of it. [Matt tries to retrieve the meat; Gordon knocks his hand away, gets a filet and wellington and angrily throws them in the bin] I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION! SHIT!! I'm asking you the question, what is it?! It's overcooked!!

(interview) Matt seems to be like a 5-year old trapped in a 35-year old body. He doesn't know when to stop.

(gets a ticket at the pass) Sorry, chef.

Oh, please. Don't touch me.

I have a migraine.

Oh, can you fuck... I need the ticket here! (Matt leaves the pass, Gordon asks him) What's going next?

I'm busy getting yelled at.

Fucking idiot, come here! What did you say then? You're busy getting what?

No, chef.

You just gave me overcooked meat, overcooked fucking filet, overcooked. Now you're saying "I'm getting yelled at!"

(interview) It wasn't my fault when everyone else fell behind. I'm the big team player, I just don't team players around me.

So don't start acting fucking smarmy with me while we're standing here in the shit, whereas you put me in the shit!

I can't fucking concentrate anymore.

Who's cooked the diapers?

No diapers, sir. That's smoked chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name is Colleen.

Corinne.

Colleen.

Corinne.

COL-leen.

What do you do for a living?

I am a culinary instructor. I own a recreational cooking school.

And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?

No, I am not a trained chef.

So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.

That's correct.

How much do you charge?

300 per three to four hours.

Right. Look at the size of it.

I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?

No, I'll bite it myself. [tries dish, spits it out]

Okay.

You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?

Yes–yes, chef.

I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.

(interview) It was extremely difficult to stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.

Say that again?

Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.

Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

As Colleen gets schooled in spaghetti, Seth is hoping to score high marks with his first entrée.

Why's it all fucking mangled?

Because he didn't have it ready, and then he sliced it and seared all the chops.

Hey, Forrest! Come here you.

(interview) Ramsay, he keeps calling me "Forrest" as in Forrest Gump. I think it's a great name!

You didn't cook it properly temperature wise, so you decided to buckle it and bastardize it. Now you're really having a laugh, yeah?

(interview) Man, this poor lamb chop just got charred. No excuse for that first lamb.

Would you get excited to come here and eat that shit?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, fuck off, will you, yeah?

(interview) Listen, I screwed up the lamb, but at the end of the service, Gordon and I will be like peas and carrots once again!

It's two and a half hours into dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.

Look! [returns to workstation and tastes the risotto] Hey!

Yes, chef.

Taste!

Yes, chef.

That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why is it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?

[holds up a pot of sugar] I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.

(interview) Are you fucking kidding me?

That... [throws the risotto in the trash] is shit! Oh, my God!

Seth and Charlie have delivered their lobster spaghetti to the pass.

There's no fucking lobster in there.

Doesn't look like it, no.

But, it's missing one key ingredient.

[returns to the workstation and pushes a pan aside] Hey, fuck-wit! Come here you! Come here!

What's this?

There's no fucking lobster in it!

Shit!!

How can you give it to me with no lobster in there?!

We're stupid, chef. Apologies.

Wake up, Charlie!!

Yes, chef! Yes, chef!

And you [Seth], docile fucking idiot! What's the dish called?

Uhm... Uhm...

Spaghetti of lobster!!

(interview) I feel like I just got hit by a train!

(interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.

Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!

I can't hear that!

Ring the fucking bell!

Seven wrong for blue, let's go.

Holy shit! We're working backwards!

(interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.

Come on, Lacey!

(interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.

Come on! We can do this!

Move it, Lacey!

(interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.

Six wrong.

Robert has only improved on Seth by one.

(to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the "bottom round" label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES "BOTTOM" MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

It's 30 minutes into dinner service, and Ben is trying to impress Chef Ramsay with his speed.

[bringing some chocolate brownie desserts to the pass] Coming down with desserts. Coming down with desserts.

Unfortunately, having dessert ready before the appetizers is not exactly what Chef Ramsay had in mind.

Dickhead, put them down. [calls entire team] Hey, all of you, come here. Ben's now bringing me a chocolate fucking brownie. [tosses one dessert on the counter] WHAT'S GOING ON?!

(interview) I didn't know what was going on, but he brought up dessert four minutes in. I mean, I've done some stupid shit, but that's embarrassing.

So, let's do it this way, then. There you go. [puts the desserts on the pass] Ben wants to serve the chocolate brownie before we serve the appetizers.

No, chef.

What are you dreaming on?! Are you stupid?!

No, chef.

You've got cheesecake made as well!

Yes, chef.

We've trashed six desserts before we've sent out fucking appetizers!

My fault, chef. (interview) It was my mistake for not exactly knowing Chef Ramsay's terminologies, but fuck me if the words "pick" and "up" don't mean "give you the desserts!"

Have you been drinking or sniffing?

No, chef. No, chef.

Look at me: Go upstairs for a lie-down.

No, no, chef!

Go on, go upstairs for a lie-down. [leads Ben out of the kitchen, then walks away] Useless. Absolutely useless. [a couple of seconds pass, then Ben quickly returns into the kitchen]

With just 30 minutes left in the first seating, Jean-Phillippe is looking for Lacey.

Table 23.

23-

The table which you forgot.

I have to go up there and tell them to fire it?

Well, who's gonna...who else gonna do it?

Jean-Phillippe, I've never waited table before!

(gobbles, mimicking Lacey) Can you just go and ask the chef to go? (gobbles)

(to Gordon) I need main courses for 23 fired, please, chef.

Yeah. Hey, madam, were you just taking the order in now? Why is it taking so long?

She forgot the table.

(shakes head and angrily swats Lacey away)

Yeah, "fuck off with me", I know.

OK. On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar salad.

Yes, Chef!

(to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling?

How long?

I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef.

You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?

Oh, I'm sorry.

(interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling?

Hey, look at me. There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even boiling!

(interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure.

Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...

While Giovanni's in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi's trying to get ahead.

(to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti when I haven't even fired it? DAMN!

Fuck!

WHY?!

I'm sorry, chef.

I can't believe this! Why can't you just drop it to order?!

I will, chef.

Tell me why you can't!

I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.

You can't get ahead! You're not that good!

(interview) I was trying to get so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass because if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.

Coi? Put some more spaghetti in. Make yourself...

Yes, chef.

Hey, I'm joking, you stupid cow!

It's an hour and 15 minutes into dinner service, and while food its way out of the blue kitchen...

Look what's in my salad.

..not all of it is edible.

What's going on on there?

That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.

Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?

I did, chef. [Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members] (whispering) Jesus Christ!

Oi, bozo, Are you fucking stupid?

No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it. It's a disgrace. It really is.

Did you see that?

I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.

(interview) Pretty hard to believe that that butt of lettuce went out there. It's hard to miss that big lettuce chunk if you're just tossing a small salad.

Un-fucking-believable.

Despite J's serving the butt of the lettuce, the blue team has served most of their appetizers.

Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.

Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Yeah, I've had enough. I've had enough. [slams the plate on the stove] Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?

It's hard as a fucking rock.

Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! [kicks a bin]

(interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, "Sorry. Poor judgement."

(to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?

No, chef.

(interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, "You've got to be kidding me."

Un-fucking-believable! [goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]

Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.

Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.

And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.

(to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off. I'm... I've had enough. [goes to the red kitchen] Hey, when I say, I've had enough, I've had enough. Stoves off. [calls both teams] Come here. That was pathetic. (to Andrea) And you were absolutely useless. CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore. It's been the worst performance so far. SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF! [throws his spoon away]

As the Blue Team heads to the spa for a day of pampering...

Off to the spa we go...

...Back in the dining room, Max's mom lets J.P. know he'll be working with someone to plan the party...

This gentleman's very recommended.

Yes.

So, um...

Bonjour, darling!

Oh, here he is now.

...Someone he knows all too well.

JP, hello! It's so good to see you! [hugs J.P.] I'm so thrilled to be back! Are you thrilled to see me?

Alright, well, we'll see you tomorrow night, OK? Great party.

Thank you so much!

Thank you. (to Francisco) You, listen.

(whispers) Yeah?

You are not interfering with my job.

I respect your boundaries.

Yes?

I do.

Leave my thing for me, and then you do your little thing.

"My little thing." Oh, it will be so happy.

Good.

Oh, here they [the Red Team] come.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, we've done a few parties in the past with Francisco.

I'm so excited to be here! This is so fabulous! [the ladies laugh] Wait until you see what we're making. We are going to go up, up, and away with beautiful balloons, all around. It's going to be so festive!

(interview) Oh, Francisco's just fabulous, all the way around.

We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables...

(laughing) Twinkly!

(interview) It's the way he talks, it's the way he dresses, everything. He's fabulous.

We are going to make this the most beautiful sports arena!

(interview) I'm gay, that dude is parade gay.

Whoo!

(interview, laughs) Wow.

Let's get to it!

Yay!

While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.

(with a piece of undercooked salmon) J!

Yes, chef?

Come on, then! Look, it's still stone-cold. Back in the oven! Fucking hell...

J, I know you're busy, buddy, but how long on the salmon, my man?

Five minutes.

Give me the tuna! Give me the-

He said four minutes out. Can you make it four?

Everything you've touched so far, tonight, has been screwed.

(interview) J just lost his shit, man. He was just clamming up, didn't take control. He was burning the seafood, he was sending raw seafood.

That's called burnt salmon, not seared salmon!

(interview) It takes a real good chef to recover. (to J) You can really turn this around if you want to.

I know.

Wipe your face, wipe your face. [J wipes his face with his sleeve] With a rag!

J, where's the salmon?

Coming around. Right here, chef.

[finds out that the salmon is overdone] Hey, bozo, SAUCE! Come here, you. Put that down, come here, you. Come here, you! Get in there! GET IN!

Fuck.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

I'm here, chef.

It's not good enough, J!

I know, chef. I got no fucking excuse.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know. I'll fucking turn it on right now, chef.

I can't fucking go any further! Please, wake up!

Yes, chef!