Christina Machamer quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Bobby, what are the five entrées on the menu?

Uh... we have... uh, I'm not sure.

Matt, what are the five entrées?

Uh... there's uh... [Now Jen and Shayna also have their hands raised, just like Christina] I don't know chef.

WHAT!? Petrozza! WHAT ARE THE ENTREÉS!?

Um... um...

Chef Ramsay has just discovered one minor problem...

(interview) Nobody has a damn clue of what's going on!

My God! Christina what are the five entrées?

We have a lamb en croute, salmon, john dory, beef fillet and poached and roasted chicken, sir.

Thank you. (in a sigh of relief)

(smirks) (interview) The guys suck and they're going to go down in flames. That makes me happy!

Guys, what is the matter? Already you look like a bunch of dicks and we haven't even fucking opened!

(interview) Knowing the menu is one thing, cooking the menu is another thing.

[returning Sharon's eggs to the workstation] Who turn the eggs around like that? You served eggs like that?

(interview) Hello! I know it thinks that hard to fry an egg.

[sees a fried egg with in disgust] I want them up! OH, COME ON!!! (to Rosann) Rosann, can you take control?

Yes, chef.

Vanessa, get the captain's badge on from your fucking arm will you?!

Rosann, away!

Okay ladies, come on let's get one scallop, one Caesar to this window, how long?

(interview) I sat out as captain and its pretty bad.

You (Christina) and you (Sharon) are putting the kitchen to shit. Can you move and wake up a bit, please, yes?

Yes, chef!

You're both pissing around like a pair of Barbie twins! [Sharon sticks her tongue out] Sharon, you're scaring me. You look like the female version of fucking Hannibal Lecter. Put your fucking tongue in and concentrate.

Yes, chef.

Hannibal!

Christina, why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen? Truthfully?

I should stay in Hell's Kitchen because I am intelligent chef. If I am being condescending to someone like Corey, she needs to come tell me, it's not something I'd do to her to be personal. I will get better and I will [starts crying] fight for it... that's why I should stay.

Thank you. Jen, why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?

It's unfortunate for you, that you don't get to see what goes on when we do prep chef. I'm a beast back there. I know what I'm doing, I work hard and I get the food out, [abridges Jen's absurdly long plea and shortened clips of some of her sentences] There's so much creativity and I really ask you to give me the opportunity chef because this is not the end for me, it's really not.

Breathe!

I'm breathing chef... May I say one last thing?

Oh fuck me!

Alright.

Before I make my decision, there's something I'd like to say. This is one of the most important prizes ever. An executive chef's decision in my own restaurant. I am not just going to give this job to someone who I do not believe in. And there's someone here that I just don't believe in. [brief pause] So, the person leaving Hell's Kitchen is... Sharon.

(whispers) Fuck.

Salmon, chef.

I've got a fucking headache. [checks the salmon, which is under-cooked] Ben! [pounds the counter] Salmon's raw in the middle!

Oh, maybe a little under.

It's pink! Come here you, hey, stop! [calls the blue team) Come here! [starts distributing pieces of salmon to the members] That's what brought to me, taste. Taste, yeah, yeah? [pounds the workstation and kicks the bin] FUCK! SHIT! What in the fuck is GOING ON?

All of you come here! Get in there! [The Blue Team enter the Red Kitchen] Let's put one shit mess with another shit mess! Get in there! There you go, join forces. We've gone backwards! And you're (Vanessa) just all over the place! And you're (Jason) just hopeless! And you (Ben) don't care! Pathetic! And then you look at me, gormless like, the salmon's raw when it was requested medium. And what do you say?

Different techniques.

[throws the ticket at Ben] Fuck off! Not good enough! I'm not going to continue this any longer. Winning team? Forget it! What's so FUCKING COMPLICATED? Christina, you made an effort— [flashback where she communicates with her teammates] to get all the appetizers out. Thank god! Unfortunately, we got screwed when it came to the first entrée. You've got to go upstairs and nominate one individual that's leaving here.

Yes, chef.

Petrozza, you stayed with it. Your mind was clear, your attitude was strong— [flashback where he communicates with her teammates] get upstairs and think about who you are going to nominate. One from the blue, one from the red. NOW GET OUT!

Yes, chef.

Bye-bye!

Love you, Bobby!

[calls out Bobby] Bob. Bob, come here. Yeah, I wouldn't go around looking for applauders right now. Right now is the wrong FUCKING TIME! GET OUT!!! [shouting loudly as Gordon orders him to leave the kitchen]

Yes.

Jackass waving at them! WHAT do we have to wave about?! I DON'T CARE!! GET OUT!!! [Gordon's last scream lets Vanessa and Matt run upstairs to the dorms]

(interviewing) Damn, man, another disappointment. It was horrible tonight, though. The words can't express, the look of disappointment on his face, he's probably feeling like right now that ain't nobody here competent to run his restaurant.

This is how I make my living and I can't fucking do it.

If I were on your station tonight, I would have done the same thing and you know that. You got the talent.

No, I don't.

Yes, you fucking do.

I've been in a fucking grill cook for 15 years and I can't cook a fucking steak. (interviewing) I feel worthless. This is all I know how to do and now I don't even think I know how to do this anymore.

Everybody expects me to put Corey up. I wish to God she would have fallen on her face.

Oh, yeah, Corey is evil.

She personally attacked me.

Two risotto in my hands, chef!

[notices that there are no mushrooms in the risotto] Where are the mushrooms?

Yes, chef.

No, where are the mushrooms? [places the pan back on the stove] Just look, they're white!

Putting them in right now. [takes the pan off the stove]

Put the pan on the stove please!? Thank you, more mushrooms!

Yes, chef.

Come on, Christina!

Yes, chef! [places the mushrooms in]

There's not any mushrooms in there!

Okay, two beef, one wellington, one salmon.

Yes, chef!

(points to Matt) You, come here you! Come here, round here! Look at those pieces of meat there. You've got one fucking large one, one medium one and one small one. What are you doing?

(interview) Matt's meat, all three were totally different. Are you serious?

That's not good enough for me. So there you go. There's the daddy, there's the mummy, there's the fucking baby. Supposing that's the critic's table; one has that (large piece of beef) and another's got that (small piece of beef). [Picks up the small piece] Supposing that's medium-well. What happens?

It'll definitely shrink. (interview) The tenderloins really do shrink when they cook. I know better than that. I'm an idiot.

Look at it! We're fucked! [pounds the counter] What did I say to you? I'm looking for everything.

Yes, chef. Got it, chef.

Don't piss around now, yeah? That's bullshit!

Yes, chef.

Hey, Mr Inconsistent. Wake up.

Yes, chef!

Christina!

Yes, chef!

Salmon nice that side [flips it over with a spatula] turn it round you got a big dry overcooked piece of shit! Salmon how long?

I might need seven minutes.

(interview) Salmon is a very quick process, it only takes a couple of minutes.

Christina can you do two things at once?

Urf, I've got two entrées & some scallops!

If you can't control two things at once, you shouldn't be here.

No I-I!

Shut up, will you? I really fucking mean it from the bottom of my heart!

Sorry, chef.

Get your salmon on now!

One minute, Christina!

(interview) My timing was so wrong, it's like all a sudden I hit a train wreck

Christina, I want it now!

Finally, you fucking lazy cow. Tonight's not your night is it!?

No, chef!

How are you doing Rosann?

Where's the fucking garnish? [Rosann's garnish pan catches fire] That's burned! Hey madam, come here. Why are you burning veg?

It was an accident chef.

(interview) Rosann just doesn't know how to organize herself. She gets herself worked up and burns garnishes...

The beef is cooked and I still haven't got the garnish.

(interview)...and it screws up the rest of the team.

You're not trustworthy on service! I'm nervous with you in the kitchen! We haven't got the garnish, Rosann!

I'm have to tell you as a profession, this is the last order of gnocchi that I have and I'm going to be short on the last order.

Oh...fucking shit.

I'm sorry. Sorry, chef.

I'm sorry you're here. Oh fucking hell. Carrot purée! How long?

Chef's calling for carrot purée.

Carrot purée?

Carrot purée!

Carrot purée, let's go.

Where's the carrot purée? Where is it? Rosann!

I'm running out of c...carrot purée.

Oh, my God almighty. [goes over to the glass window and repeatedly bangs his head] Fuck me.

How about some carrots chef? I'll give you baby carrots chef. Carrots or mash? I've got plenty of mash!

While Chef Ramsay takes a moment to reflect...

Matt, from here, they look raw. THEY LOOK RAW!

The Red kitchen is a disaster.

I got it, chef.

Can you get the beef back in the fucking oven?!

(to Matt) How long, Matt?

I don't know anymore.

Come on, Matt! Bounce the fuck back!

I fucking hear it!

Let's go, Matt. Let's get that up.

Fuck!

Beef, chicken, wellington. How long?

Coming to the pass. (brings his meat to the pass)

[checking Matt's tenderloins] Oh, fuck. Here we go. Chef Matt, so there's the beef. THAT LOOKS LIKE A PILE OF SHIT! And you have the nerve to give me that with the critics out there. Hey, hey, fuck, you serve it. See what standards you got. Serve it!

No chef.

Stand there and look at the customers.

Chef, I won't serve it.

Hey come here, you as well, and you, you're just as bad. Hey, would you serve that to a critic?

Definitely not.

Would you serve that to a critic? [Rosann shakes her head] Would you serve that to a critic?

No, chef.

Would you serve that to a critic?

No chef.

So, let's get this right, you wouldn't serve it. But you'd give it to me. [Throws the beef on the stove] GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! Upstairs! Fuck off will you?

Fire a wellington, chicken, John Dory... [notices that Christina is cooking beef and chicken in the same pan] Uh, excuse me. [to Christina] Why are we cooking chicken and beef in the same pan?

Sorry chef there just wasn't a lot of room up here on these burners

Supposedly someone doesn't like red meat!

(interview) I thought hot pan, plenty of room let's just cook it, it'll be cool.

Get it out!

Yes, chef. (interview) No, not cool!

Bobby, they've (Christina) got beef and chicken in a pan. Now you've got salmon and scallops in the pan.

Uh... I needed this time to fly (interview) Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. I didn't really have an excuse.

Hey, aren't you allergic to shellfish?

Yeah. (interview) Chef was right! Woo!

Oh, my God!

[sees Matt eating] Why are you eating?

I'm not. I'm ta-

COME HERE, YOU! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I'm standing here struggling to get food out, I just watched you turn and eat!

I'm tasting my wellingtons, chef.

(points to the customers) They're struggling and you're going to be the one fucking eating!

(interview) Matt, are you kidding me?

Can I get some meats out here, please?

Yes, chef!

Salmon, John Dory, chicken, wellington, fillet mignon, rib eye!

Guys, how long now?

I don't know, I'm trying to work on my migraine.

(interview) Matt is someone who is excuses for himself. Absolute fucked in a headache you know, come on pull through it. He's a crybaby and he is definitely getting more insane by in a minute. (to Matt) Matt, how long on the fillet?

(to Corey) I'll tell you in a second. (holds a well cooked fillet mignon) three minutes.

You guys are a fucking bunch of losers. (to Matt) What's going, Matt? What's going?

Two risottos, one fillet, one lamb and fish (salmon).

No!

No, that's right. No. He's got migraine. Look! Hey, look at there, Scott!

(laughs) Oh, fuck!

Not funny. I got a medical pills and I work through it.

He's got a migraine. Come here in a minute and let me just tell you something, you have a migraine? (quietly, to Matt) I've had one ever since you walked in here. Why have you just forty-two minutes ago to completely forgot and give you a favour?

I have no feeling in my hands--

No feeling in your hands? Yeah, come here. [takes hold of Matt's hand and walks him out of the kitchen, as if though Matt just peed his pants] Go upstairs the dorm and lie down, yes? Lie down.

But I want to work through it.

[turns around] GET OUT! FUCKING GET OUT! (rekindles Matt) "I got a migraine?" Fuck off... fucking useless pieceashit...

(interview) Matt doesn't take any responsibility for his actions, everybody in this place here has a migraine right now my brain feels like it's about to explode but I don't give up in that kitchen

FOUR MINUTES TO THE WINDOW TWO WELLINGTON, ONE FUCKING RIBEYE! HURRY UP CHRISTINA!

Yes, chef. [Sees a pan of rice] Oh, shit! [holds the rice and burns her hand] Who the fuck left this rice on here, guys?

What is that?

It's burnt rice, chef.

Who put that on there?

I don't know, chef.

Sorry. chef. I forgot about it.

Fucking useless. [scrapes the burnt rice and throws it on a chopping board]

(interview) Jen burnt the rice. It was sitting on my station, all she has to do and say, "Hey, I'm putting this rice here."

(quietly to Jen) Get out. Get out and get to the dorm. GET OUT! I'm not fucking around now. Get out!

(interview) I completely forgot that I put the rice on. I feel bad for that and that was my honest mistake.

(to Christina) Hey, she put it on, you've been standing next to it for an hour, you take off your apron and fuck off as well!

Yes, chef.

(interview) Oh, my God has this been a crazy night!

Hey, all of you: Fuck yourselves. Get out! GET OUT! [The remaining chefs leave the kitchen] Fuck off will you, yeah? [rubbing his face] Oh... Shit!

Yeah, anything piping hot-- [grabs the handle of the pan and burns his hand] Ah, shit! Fuck! Ah shit! Don't stop and look stupid like some thick cow!

Yes, chef.

Aw, fuck! Fuck's sake! [cools his hand with cold water] Christina, the handle was over the flame. The fucking handle's over the stove, at least say something to somebody.

Yes, chef.

Now, you're just acting like a fucking idiot. Yes?

No, chef.

(interview) Chef Ramsay was burning bad by Christina today. I know he was pissed!

SHIT!

(interview) Ooh, Christina messing up over there for real.

Fuck me!

Do not burn the chef!

Fuck! Look at me and I'm fucking serious now. If a handle is over the fucking flame, say something, will you please, yes?

Yes, chef.

One more time and you're fucking finished!

(interview) I just burned Chef Ramsay. That's really not cool. My mistake. Not going to happen again, trust me.

Garnish, please!

Coming right now, chef. Coming, chef.

[grabs the handle and burns his hand again] Aw, shit! Fucking hell! I'm getting fucked here again! Christina, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!

(interview) When Chef Ramsay burned himself twice, you can smell his skin all across the room burning. I'm like DAMN!!

[cools his hand again] SHIT! Hey look, come here you look. [pours cold water over the handle and steam comes off] You're not even fucking telling me.

(interview) He poured water over the handle of the pot and it sizzled. It was really hot.

That's unbearable now.

I was just like oh, shit!

Now I think you're doing it on purpose to fucking wire me up. Hey, you're doing it really well because I'm getting fucked off! If a pan handle is over the fucking flame, say something! Will you please, yes?

Yes, chef!

Wake up!

Yes, chef. (interview) (sighs)

(to Scott) Is it cooked?

Uh, it's cooked alright. Half of it is mush on the outside and the center's well done.

Uh oh.

[returns the lobster to the workstation] On a night like tonight! You (Rob) keep me dragging for the chicken! You (Boris) keep me dragging for the appetisers, then Vinny sends me this.

I'll fix it.

(sarcastically) "I'll fix it."

(interview) We're going down in a heap like a California mud-slide.

Chicken?

(brings his chicken to the pass) Going up with the chicken!

It's pink. [returns the chicken to the workstation] All of you, come here!

(interview) Uh-oh. It's fucking chicken, Rob.

Pink, pink, don't dare touch it... pink, pink. All of you! What are we doing here? [Shows the faces of Boris, Russell, Christina & Rock, the people in the dining room, Danny & Holli, Vinny & Rob] GET OUT! Get out of here. [angrily throws his spoon at the Blue team as they exit the kitchen] GET OUT!