Colleen quotes from Hell's Kitchen

How could we lose with cheerleaders? V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading "V-C-I-T-O-R-Y???" appears)

Who's cooked the diapers?

No diapers, sir. That's smoked chicken enchiladas with poblano cream sauce. My name is Colleen.

Corinne.

Colleen.

Corinne.

COL-leen.

What do you do for a living?

I am a culinary instructor. I own a recreational cooking school.

And were you a trained chef before you set up a school?

No, I am not a trained chef.

So you're not a trained chef, yet you teach chefs to cook.

That's correct.

How much do you charge?

300 per three to four hours.

Right. Look at the size of it.

I feed big Nebraska boys. Would you like me to get you a bite?

No, I'll bite it myself. [tries dish, spits it out]

Okay.

You seriously charge $300 to teach people how to make that crap?

Yes–yes, chef.

I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my arse.

(interview) It was extremely difficult to stand there and to keep my mouth shut! (to Gordon) I teach manners, too, chef.

Say that again?

Cooking instructor Colleen not only offered Chef Ramsay a dish he didn't care for, but an etiquette lesson as well.

Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.

Where's the other spaghetti?

Waiting on pasta, chef.

[notices Colleen starting a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan] Hey madam, madam, come here, come here, come here, come here. [gets Colleen's pan] You're starting a fresh one in dirty pan!

Yes, chef.

Oh!

(interview) The pan had already been used and I didn't have a chance to wipe it. I felt like an idiot.

You teach people how to cook! [slams the pan down on her station]

We have no more pans, chef.

[gets some pans from Andrea's station] Look! Pan, pan, pan!

Thank you.

You're going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan! Holy crap!

It's two and a half hours into dinner service, and while Colleen has finally mastered the spaghetti, she still has a lot to learn about risotto.

Look! [returns to workstation and tastes the risotto] Hey!

Yes, chef.

Taste!

Yes, chef.

That's the risotto! That, quite frankly, is the worst risotto I've ever tasted in my entire cooking career. Why is it so sweet? Who put sugar in there?

[holds up a pot of sugar] I grabbed this. I thought it was salt.

(interview) Are you fucking kidding me?

That... [throws the risotto in the trash] is shit! Oh, my God!

The scallops are cooked, aren't they?

Yes.

Why are they still in the pan if they're cooked? They're going to be overcooked, you stupid cow! Oh, my God! Who cooked the scallops last service? Who was that?

I did, chef.

Come here, you! Come here! Show her how to cook a fucking scallop. Hey, by the way, she's not charging $300. Hey, this is free now. Free lesson! Stand back!

(interview) Colleen runs a cooking school, but she has no experience on the line and it clearly shows.

(to Lacey) Teach madam [Colleen] here how to cook a fucking scallop!

Yes, chef.

Shit!! Unbelievable!

(interview) I almost felt honored in a weird way. (to Colleen) It's okay. It's alright.

Thank you, Lacey.

You're welcome, chef!

Colleen!! Do you see a difference? Pink in the middle, coloured both sides, yes?

Yes, I do, chef.

Hey, did she charge you?

(brief pause) No, chef.

Yeah, thank fuck for that. Let's go. God bless Nebraska.

Oh, my God! [returns to the workstation] Come here you. Hey, Coi, come here! Carol, Lacey, come here! (to Colleen) Away now, two Wellington, yes, one salmon and one John Dory. Where's the John Dory?

(brief pause) I don't have the John Dory.

You don't have it. Hey, look, come here. Hey, there you go, look at that. [holds up the salmon] Look, look, hold on, hey, don't run away. IT'S BLACK! On top of that, there's an added bonus. It's fucking raw in the middle.

Yes, chef.

Fucking useless, fucking shit. You're not a cookery school teacher, are you? You're joking, aren't you?

No, I'm not joking, chef. I am a--

Tell me, tell me you're pomping yourself up to make yourself look good. You don't really have a cooking school?

No, chef, I own a cooking school. I have a business just like you do.

Your fucking business is not like my business. Hey, madam, let's get that fucking right.

You're right.

You're robbing people! You're a thief!! I'm concerned for the poor bastards that you've taken money off of!! [sees another piece of salmon burning] Hey, madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.

It IS black!

Oh, GOD!!

Both of them!

SHIT! [Gordon and Coi look physically shocked] SHIT!!! IT'S BLACK!!!

Yes, chef!

OH, MY GOD!!

These are burning.

I know.

Hey, madam, madam! GET OUT!! Get on the raw bar. Lacey! LACEY! Get on the fish!

Yes, chef!

(interview) Chef Ramsay's definitely not going to break me. He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he's not going to break me.

(interview) Meat is one of my fortes. I definitely had six, seven out of eight without even looking.

Ring the bell, ring the bell. Go for it!

I can't hear that!

Ring the fucking bell!

Seven wrong for blue, let's go.

Holy shit! We're working backwards!

(interview) SETH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Seth's poor performance has set the men back. Now Lacey has a golden opportunity to redeem herself with her team.

Come on, Lacey!

(interview) It's my chance to show my team that I can step up, and that I deserve to be here.

Come on! We can do this!

Move it, Lacey!

(interview) Lacey was just moving things around for the feeling that she was doing something, and you know what, that's no different to how she is in the kitchen.

Six wrong.

Robert has only improved on Seth by one.

(to Lacey) Come on, let's go! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Okay... (sees that Lacey has placed the "bottom round" label near one of the model cow's front legs) BOTTOM ROUND?! WHAT DOES "BOTTOM" MEAN? One, two, three, four, five, six wrong! Dear oh dear!

Where's the four Caesar salad, two shrimp?

Coming, chef. These were two, one and one.

Where's the fucking four I asked for?

Four Caesar salad, two shrimp.

(to Colleen) Hey!

Yes, chef.

You're doing this on purpose.

No I'm not, I swear. You said two. One and one.

Look at me! Look at me! Four fucking salads.

(interview) There's always that person in your life that's going to be grumpy, and, you know, not be nice. Then there's the one like Chef Ramsay, who's the arrogant, vicious attack dog.

(to Colleen) Hey, Madam, you're fucking pathetic!

Yes, chef.

Four salad, three shrimp, one plain! (to Colleen) Oh, no, no!

Yes, chef.

Hey, oh, no, no! Come here!

Yes, chef!

What's going?

Four Caesar salads, three shrimp, one plain!

One more!

Four Caesar salads, chef, three shrimp, one plain!

One more!

Four Caesar salads, chef, three shrimp, one plain!

And last time!

Four Caesar salad chef, three...

(visibly shocked) Oh, m - OHH, GOD!

... SHRIMP, ONE PLAIN!

Oh you fucking - hoo, shit! She's not normal... she cannot be normal...

(interview) My God! Colleen, if we lose tonight and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can't sleep at night because you deserve to go home more than I do.

Hey, stay here, you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one?

The medium's here, Chef.

Where's the medium-well?

The medium-well's here, Chef.

Where's the well done one, then?

Right here, Chef.

So what the fuck is that one?

I don't know, chef. I'll take it back.

You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little "Ha-ha," "Tee-hee," and "God Bless Nebraska?"

[over Gordon] No, it's not funny.

Red, [Table] 53. Tanya Steel.

Not done? (returns to the workstation) There you go. Yeah, I've had enough. I've had enough. [slams the plate on the stove] Come here! There you go. (to Carol; gives her a piece of pear) Take a bite and pass it along. (to LA) LA, wake up, yeah?

It's hard as a fucking rock.

Raw pastry, raw pear. That's her! [kicks a bin]

(interview) Chef Ramsay wasn't kidding when he said it was raw. It was raw. That's just, "Sorry. Poor judgement."

(to Colleen) You didn't know that's raw pastry with a raw pear?

No, chef.

(interview) Everybody else was just looking around like, "You've got to be kidding me."

Un-fucking-believable! [goes to the blue kitchen and sits in fetal position]

Tonight, dinner service has totally collapsed.

Oh, Christ almighty! Two and a half hours of bullshit.

And Chef Ramsay is at the end of his rope.

(to Jean-Philippe; after returning to the pass with raw desserts) Oh fuck off. I'm... I've had enough. [goes to the red kitchen] Hey, when I say, I've had enough, I've had enough. Stoves off. [calls both teams] Come here. That was pathetic. (to Andrea) And you were absolutely useless. CLEAR DOWN! I can't take it anymore. It's been the worst performance so far. SWITCH IT FUCKING OFF! [throws his spoon away]