“Episode Four” quotes from Hell's Kitchen

How could we lose with cheerleaders? V, V-I, V-C-I-T-O-R-Y! (a caption reading "V-C-I-T-O-R-Y???" appears)

Imma tell you one thing: I don't like fucking losing. Come on, Danny, I was over there helping with you then I jumped over, I had to help with the eggs. We were all helping each other.

[interjecting] You should've been on eggs the whole time.

You were the one drowning on the pancakes, buddy.

That is-that is correct.

Look, you gave me a hand walking the pancakes up, and thank you for that.

Wait a minute, Danny. [J laughs] Come on, man. Are you serious right now?

What? You-you helped me plate some pancakes, and I appreciate it, thank you, I-I'm not a-

It's cool, man. Don't worry about it. I just-

I mean, I'm not a hero here, I never said I was.

You said that earlier. You said you were the best cook.

I am obviously the best cook on the team.

You want to hear something, dude? I will cook circles around you! I will circle you like a fucking moon!

Where have you been?

Hey, hey come on! Danny, come on! Hey, Ben!

[over Giovanni] Are you joking me? You couldn't cook my COCK!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Are you joking me? I AM SO FUCKING-

Where have you been?

[stands between Danny and Ben] Be quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

We'll see you on garnish. Let me see you on garnish.

Shut the fuck up.

I mean- you know what, I need two minutes, I need two minutes, bro.

Take your two minutes, bro, because I haven't seen you in the kitchen yet.

This is - HEY!

Where have you been?

[heads down to the patio] (interview) Danny's ego is getting the better of him, and he needs to come back down on this planet.

YOU'VE GOTTEN A COMPLIMENT YET, BEN?

OK. On order: Four covers, Table 4. Two risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar salad.

Yes, Chef!

(to Giovanni) Is it [the water] boiling?

How long?

I'm waiting for the water to boil, Chef.

You expect me to tell Jean-Philippe we're waiting for your water to boil?

Oh, I'm sorry.

(interview) Oh, man, Gio. How do you expect to cook pasta in water that's not boiling?

Hey, look at me. There's no olive oil in there, the water's not seasoned, it's not even boiling!

(interview) Oh, that was my fault. I didn't check my equipment. It won't happen again, that's for sure.

Let's go, Giovanni, let's go! Oh, my God...

While Giovanni's in hot water, over in the Red kitchen, Coi's trying to get ahead.

(to Coi) Why are you cooking spaghetti when I haven't even fired it? DAMN!

Fuck!

WHY?!

I'm sorry, chef.

I can't believe this! Why can't you just drop it to order?!

I will, chef.

Tell me why you can't!

I'm just trying to get ahead, chef.

You can't get ahead! You're not that good!

(interview) I was trying to get so many steps ahead, so I'm kicking myself in the ass because if I would have listened better, he wouldn't be screaming at me.

Coi? Put some more spaghetti in. Make yourself...

Yes, chef.

Hey, I'm joking, you stupid cow!

It's an hour and 15 minutes into dinner service, and while food its way out of the blue kitchen...

Look what's in my salad.

..not all of it is edible.

What's going on on there?

That's from, uhm, table 20 blue.

Hey, ALL OF YOU! COME HERE! Who dressed the Caesar salad?

I did, chef. [Gordon shows the butt of lettuce to the members] (whispering) Jesus Christ!

Oi, bozo, Are you fucking stupid?

No, chef, I'm not. (interview) J feels like a jackass because of that freaking lettuce. I should have seen it. It's a disgrace. It really is.

Did you see that?

I did not, Chef. If I saw it, I would never put it in there.

(interview) Pretty hard to believe that that butt of lettuce went out there. It's hard to miss that big lettuce chunk if you're just tossing a small salad.

Un-fucking-believable.

Despite J's serving the butt of the lettuce, the blue team has served most of their appetizers.

Come here. All of you, come here! Put it down. (to Ben) Put it fucking down. What is that?

Lamb chop, sir.

Lamb chop, yeah? Eat it. (gives the lamb to Ben and he eats it) Happy now? Now it's getting thinner and thinner and thinner. There's another one. There's one ripped to fuck there now. Too thin, cowboy.

(interview) I'm like, "Ooh, why are you sending that out?" It looked like a piece of carpaccio on a bone, man.

(to Ben) How can someone so fucking fat slice something so fucking thin?

Sorry, chef. It won't happen again, chef.

I wouldn't even serve that to my fucking dog!

I'll fix it right now, chef.

Hey, stay here, you. Three Wellingtons, you brought me four. One medium, one medium-well, one well done. Where's the medium one?

The medium's here, Chef.

Where's the medium-well?

The medium-well's here, Chef.

Where's the well done one, then?

Right here, Chef.

So what the fuck is that one?

I don't know, chef. I'll take it back.

You don't know. That's funny, isn't it? A little "Ha-ha," "Tee-hee," and "God Bless Nebraska?"

[over Gordon] No, it's not funny.

On order, four covers, table three. One scallops, one risotto, one spaghetti, one Caesar.

(to Giovanni) Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon!

Entrées: one Dory, one chicken, one lamb, one wellington.

Right here.

Seth! SETH!

Yes, chef!

Come here! What did I just call out?

[wiping his face with a cloth] I don't know, chef.

No, I know you don't know because you weren't even fucking prepared to listen. No wonder you're struggling.

What is he doing? Hey you, hey you, come here. [takes the cloth from Seth, and looks at him in disgust]

Sorry, chef.

I just watched you wipe your face and then wipe a pan. If this one's for your fucking nose, where's your cooking cloth?

Uh, I'll get one, chef.

[throws the cloth back to Seth] Fuck off, will you?

Where's the Wellington, please?

Two minutes on this ticket and the next, chef. So sorry, chef.

(disappointed) Oh...

It's a little on the rare side.

Scallops are undercooked, gonna have a refire, please.

(disappointed) What is going on? Oh no. Oh. [cuts to Coi accidentally dropping her spaghetti on her station] Fuck off - oh, no. Shit! Look at that! You, guy. (Robert) Come here, you fat fuck. Come here. All of you, come here. COME HERE! Hey, hey, look at me. You are pathetic. NO ONE won! FUCK OFF, both teams, start thinking about two of you to fucking go home. (to Coi) You, PATHETIC! I don't want anymore. (to Ben) I don't-I don't want to wait for your shit anymore, (to Danny) I don't want your shit anymore, (to Seth) I don't want you drying your face, and then fucking cooking with the cloth, YOU SCUMMY FUCKER! GET OUT! [all chefs exited the kitchen except Ben; he approaches him] GET OUT!

Something's really bugging me, you know that. And I can't stop thinking about it, and here's why. If a customer goes out for dinner and their steak is slightly overcooked or undercooked, it gets redone. And they move on and enjoy the evening. But if a customer goes out for dinner and they get served a butt of lettuce, that's how reputations get destroyed in minutes, [to J] butthead.