Paris Geller quotes from Gilmore Girls

Rory

Did you find our house okay?

Paris

Your street has no sign on it.

Rory

I told you to turn left at the giant rooster statue.

Paris

I thought you were kidding.

Lorelai

No one kids about Monty!

Paris

Where's Tristin? He said he was coming with you.

Madeline

Oh, he's here. He just went over to the market.

Rory

What?

Louise

He needed cigarettes, just in case we didn't already know that he was bad.

Paris

We’re friends?

Rory

I’m not sure if there is an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Come on, stay.

Paris

Okay. But if you’re doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I’ll kill you.

Rory

Duly noted.

Jess

Who was that on the phone?

Rory

No one

Jess

No one wouldn't be happening to be heading over here right now would he?

Rory

Jess...

Paris

What's going on?

Rory

Nothing

Jess

Dean's on his way over and Rory doesn't want him to find me here

Paris

Why?

Jess

Yea, why?

Rory

You know why

Jess

Just eating dinner

Rory

Jess, I'm asking you as a friend, just please leave, now

Jess

Do you really want me to go?

Rory

I really want to avoid a fight with Dean

Jess

OK, I'm going

Rory

Thank you

Jess

Ow!...oh...

Rory

What?

Jess

: I just twisted my ankle, I better go lie down

Rory

Jess...

Jess

God, you're no fun when you're tense! Are you sure you want me to go, cause maybe this whole thing can be solved between me and Dean if we just sit down and had a little heart-to-heart. He could tell me his issues, I'll tell him mine...

Rory

Jess!

Jess

I promise to speak slowly

Rory

Bye!

Jess

OK, well give him my best would ya...actually, I guess I could do that myself.

Rory

Dean, Jess just came by to bring me some food.

Jess

From Luke's.

Rory

He wanted to make sure I ate.

Jess

Luke did.

Rory

Right, Luke did.

Jess

Personally I could care less if she eats.

Rory

Yea, true, he could care less.

Jess

I see you brought a little something too...is that ice cream? That's so nice! A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey, are you guys gonna feed each other, cause that's just so darn cute...oops. You're doing that towering over me thing, huh, I tell ya, you've really got that down. it helps that you're 12 feet tall but this Frankenstein scowl really adds to the whole...

Rory

Jess!

Jess

OK, I'm going. Look man, I really was just droppin' off some food, so don't get all West Side Story on me, OK?

Richard

Now, at this point, I would like to turn the meeting over to Paris, who will bring us up to date on our latest development. Paris.

Paris

Thank you, Richard.

Paris

First, let me say that I'm glad to see you all here today, at the beginning of what I think is going to be a very exciting experiment.

[whispering] She doesn't have the baseball bat in her hands, does she?

Louise

I know. So, of course, fifteen minutes later, tardy and glossless, I left the house and I had to rely on Madeline for my source of lip color for the day. Not an ideal solution.

Madeline

Major skin tone mismatch.

Paris

I’m sorry, group leader, could you ask the Pigeon sisters if there is a point to this opus?

Paris

My Thanksgiving is turning into a Wes Craven movie.

Rory

How so?

Paris

I called shelters to volunteer to serve food. It’s Thanksgiving – you’d think they have needs. Nope. Every stupid soup kitchen in town turned me down because they have enough volunteers.

Madeline

Bummer.

Paris

I’m on a couple waiting lists, but it doesn’t look good.

Rory

I’ve never heard of too many volunteers.

Paris

Who are all these jackasses who volunteered anyway? They can’t all be students like me. They’re not all putting it on a college application. I get something out of it and these other people don’t get a thing. Talk about selfish.

Paris

How many times do I have to tell them? You can’t put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater – otherwise, you get this.

Rory

Gravy on your asparagus.

Paris

Yes.

Rory

Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.

Paris

You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I’m not going to Harvard? I can’t. I’m not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I’m not going to Harvard.

Rory

Okay.

Paris

And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.

Rory

Thank you and good night.

Paris

I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard.

Rory

Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]

Paris

She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!

Paris

Unbutton your top.

Lorelai

What?

Paris

Teenage boys are controlled by one thing. Unbutton your top.

Lorelai

No.

Paris

: Well, me doing it isn't going to help any.

Lorelai

Paris, you need to relax. You need to stop worrying. You need to stop obsessing. You need to stop looking at my boobs.

Paris

Relax, I'm okay with you making valedictorian over me.

Rory

Oh, good, thanks.

Paris

Sure. I actually googled the personal histories of Ivy League valedictorians going back twenty-five years, and found some enlightening statistics. They don't necessarily do too well in later life, did you know that?

Rory

No.

Paris

Oh, yeah. A lot of business failures, crumbled marriages, suicides, obesity.

Rory

Okay.

Paris

A bunch died in car crashes, several did time, one suffocated when his cat fell asleep on his face.

Paris

What if I fall for him but he doesn't like me?

Rory

You'll find someone else.

Paris

What if there is no one else?

Rory

Then you'll buy some cats.

Paris

I can’t do this.

Rory

What?

Paris

Date. I can’t date. I’m not genetically set up for it.

Rory

Not true.

Paris

I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I’m covered in hives, I’ve showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn’t even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don’t wind up in a restaurant that’s really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?

Rory

No, I don't wanna know where you were, and I don't wanna know what you were doing or who you were doing it with. I had to cover for you when Doyle noticed that you were gone, so I told him that you were at a family thing, and as far as I'm concerned, that's where you were - at your family thing. And in the future, I want nothing to do with anything to do with what you were doing tonight or who you were doing it with, especially who! Now, go to sleep.

Paris

I smell like pipe tobacco.

Rory

Oh, jeez.

Paris

I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.

Rory

This is not May-December. This is May-Ming Dynasty.