Michel Gerard quotes from Gilmore Girls

Michel

The battle for soup versus salad is raging in the other room. Come quick and settle it please, as I am running out of French curse words that they won't understand.

Michel

[to Lorelai] To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown Cartoon.

Michel

[to Lorelai] Well, not everyone is cut out to be their own boss. Maybe you are more of a worker bee, a follower, a ticket ripper, or the man at the concert with the orange glow stick directing you where to park.

Michel

The Bellevilles are free-loaders, the whole lot of them. They are as cheap as tan pantyhose with white sandals.

Lorelai

Michel - the phone!

Michel

Yes. It rings.

Lorelai

Can you answer it?

Michel

No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.

Lorelai

Then how would you like to talk to the unemployment agency?

Michel

[Picks up phone] Hello Independence Inn, Michel speaking.

Bonjour, monsieur. Vous êtes français? Vous parlez français?

Michel

No, sorry.

Mais vous avez un accent français. Vous parlez pas français?

Michel

Sir, I'm just a simple country boy from Texas. I do not understand this "français" business you're babbling about.

Lorelai

Pardon.

Lorelai

He knows you are not from Texas.

Michel

Smile when you say that.

Lorelai

Michel, I told you there would be a French group here for a couple of days, and it's your job to keep them happy.

Michel

Lorelai, I don't know how many French people you've met over the years, but most of them are insufferable.

Lorelai

[sarcastically] Really?

Michel

Mm. That is why I left France.

Lorelai

Huh. I thought it had something to do with the torches and the villagers. Michel, talk to them.

Michel

Never.

Michel

You are giving me that look, aren't you? Your patented "Do it or something unspeakable shall befall you" look. [pause, sighs] Fine, I shall be French, but I shall not be happy.

Lorelai

Then you will be yourself. Good choice.

Lorelai

Michel, it's the first snowfall of the season. It's very lucky! Make a wish.

Michel

Get away from me.

Lorelai

Oh, you're not supposed to say it out loud.

Lorelai

[dreamily to herself] The world changes when it snows. It's quiet. Everything softens.

Michel

It's your mother.

Lorelai

And then the rain comes.

Michel

Not everyone finds the idea of being pelted with frozen water appealing.

Lorelai

I know, and how sad for them.

Michel

The thrilling sensation of getting lost in a blizzard, of freezing to death in the woods and having to eat your friend's buttocks to stay alive. That is lost on many people.

Michel

That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant.

Lorelai

Who?

Michel

The flannel man with the protruding ankles.

Lorelai

Oh, Luke?

Michel

I forgot his name from the desk to here, that's how memorable he is.

Lorelai

I just assumed, since you gave up carbs a year ago, she knew.

Michel

[angrily] Yes! Well, you know what happens when you assume?

Lorelai

What?

Michel

I don't know! S-something about a donkey! It's a… stupid American phrase!

Lorelai

Okay. Now, Sookie’s on top of the menu. Let’s make sure the dining room’s open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they’ll need.

Michel

Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don’t People Think You Know What The Hell You’re Doing?"

Michel

[about an auction] And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.

Lorelai

Well, that certainly calls for a 'Dirty'!

Lorelai

  The floor's a little wet, are we getting the mats out?

Michel

  We are without mats.

Lorelai

  That's impossible; we ordered them eight months ago.  We got confirmation.

Michel

  They were back-ordered and due within two weeks.  Two weeks turned into eight months, and all we have to show for it is our special yellow back-order receipt.  Such cheap paper they use at the mat place.  That should have been a clue.

Michel

  I would advise that you change our cancellation policy.  These people cancel and have to pay nothing.

Lorelai

  I hate charging people for cancelling.  It's too corporate.  We’re doing things differently here.

Michel

  Oh, yes.  Bankruptcy will be fun and different.  Be sure to file for it while it's snowing, won't you?  We'll go down to bankruptcy court in a horse-drawn sleigh.

Michel

  We have another problem.  The Goldfarbs are missing.

Lorelai

  The Goldfarbs?  Our Goldfarbs?

Michel

  The ones you recommended to go cross-country skiing this morning.

Lorelai

  Right.  So they’re out skiing.

Michel

  They said they would be back by noon promptly.  Well, it's past noon, and their friends are here to meet them for lunch, but the Goldfarbs are erwol.

Lorelai

  They're what?

Michel

  Erwol!  Erwol!

Lorelai

  Oh!  AWOL.

Michel

  What do I care, I'm French.  The point is, we strapped wooden sticks to the feet of a fat orthodontist and a woman with ugly chunky jewelry, and we lost them!