“The Big One” · Season 3
In this episode: Lorelai Gilmore (3), Rory Gilmore (2), Richard Gilmore (2), Sookie St. James (1), Paris Geller (1), Jackson Melville (1)
It’s nothing, it’s just Paris. There’s this speech contest for the bicentennial, and I wasn’t even going to enter it, but I don’t know – with the whole ‘it’s my last chance to crush you before graduation’ comment, I want to enter, I want to win, and I wanna dance around her saying ‘I win, I win, I win!’
Wow, you’re getting more and more like me everyday.
Ah, you’re here.
And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.
It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
Come again?
Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.
[they start walking to the living room]
Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?
Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.
What?
Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.
Right, the muttonchops.
You’re a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.
That’s a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.
It’s like watching the Men’s Wearhouse security camera.
You know, it’s funny, me standing here before you right now. I’ve thought about nothing else for four years but this school, this big important school with all of its history and tradition and really super teachers. And I dedicated myself to it completely, heart and soul, believing in its power, believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go. Harvard. I thought of nothing else. Many of you out there can attest to that fact. I was on my way and nothing could stop me. And here’s the really funny thing – after four years of slaving away, I go home today and I found this. [holds up an envelope] I’m not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope, the one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We’re not interested. Try again next year. Love, Harvard." And the thing that’s really funny here is, who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me? Have you seen how hard I’ve worked over these past four years? I mean, can anyone here believe that I’m not going to Harvard? I can’t. I’m not going to Harvard. I am not going to Harvard. I had sex, but I’m not going to Harvard.
Okay.
And I have to tell you that if you asked me which of those two events I thought would be the least likely to happen, it would not be the not going to Harvard.
Thank you and good night.
I’m being punished. I had sex, so now I don’t get to go to Harvard.
Paris, come on. [leads Paris off the stage]
She’s never had sex. She’ll probably go to Harvard. She’s a shoe in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore – you’re going to Harvard!
I’m not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I’m a chef, I have to have knives.
Sookie.
And I’m also not cutting off the water supply and I’m not sanding down all the edges of my furniture. Now, I’m sorry that you think this house is a deathtrap, and I’m sorry that you think there is nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby, but our kid is gonna have to be bright enough not to disconnect the water hose that goes to the automatic ice maker and shove it up his or her nose. Now go to sleep.
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