Paris Geller quotes from Gilmore Girls

Paris

I just don't want to walk into our bathroom and find him sitting on the john shooting up steroids.

He does not take steroids.

Paris

You mean that unsightly girth is nature given? He must curse God nightly.

Rory

He's big, Paris. She got it.

Paris

And why does he have his name written on the back? So it's easy to check when he forgets it? Although if he checks it while he's wearing it, he'd have to look in a mirror, and then he'd probably think his name was Dlobeelk, and get confused all over again.

Bitter little woman.

Rory

It's "Girls Gone Wild," and boys doing the twist. We're not spring-breaky people, are we?

Paris

I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys seems like a very good trade off for being warm.

Rory

Warm...

Paris

Warm...

Madeline

We found that if we kiss each other, we can get anything we want from guys.

Louise

Free drinks, food...

Madeline

T-shirts, boat rides, Frisbees...

Louise

Earrings, Seadoos...

Rory

Okay. Well, that is a good tip.

Paris

Yeah, maybe later I'll pants you for an Altoid.

Paris

Rory, you've had quite the dry spell this year.

Rory

I have not had a dry spell.

Paris

There's not one picture of you with a guy.

Oh, no. No. There's one. See? That's Rory with the statue of Eli Yale.

Rory

Heart attack? Umm.. it wasn't during... umm... was it?

Paris

No Rory! This great man was not brought down by my vagina.

Paris

Listen, Lorelai? If you decide that your breakup is something that you want to talk about, please let me know.

Lorelai

Okay, Paris.

Paris

And let me know before Tuesday, because I'm doing a paper for my Emotional Mental Health class about how women of a certain age cope with loneliness, and I think you'd be a great lead-off anecdote.

Rory Gilmore

You can't take her. She's trained in Krav Maga.

Lorelai

Damn it!

You look so hot when you find me annoying.

Paris

Then I must be Gisele Bündchen to you 24/7.

Paris

Look at us! We're happy. We have boyfriends. This is infinitely better than any mood-stablizer I've ever been on.

Rory

Oh shoot what time is it?

Paris

It's hammer-time.

Paris

I'm meeting more of Doyle's family tonight. I've been meeting people for months. He's got, like, five hundred cousins. And you know what? He's the tallest one in the family.

Rory

Really?

Paris

Yep. Family get-together is like a Lollipop Guild Convention. I have to stop myself from asking how it's going at the chocolate factory.

Paris

I don't know who's in apartment 7 because meeting 4 and 5 was enough "It Takes a Village" for me. Here we are, apartment 8.

Rory

Eight is great.

Paris

You have to unlock the middle bolt first. Bottom bolt second. Top lock third. Bottom lock. Kick the door twice and thats it.

Rory

Oh my God! Were those gunshots?

Paris

No that was just a car backfiring. The real gunfire actually sounds fake. You'll pick it up eventually. They call it ghetto-ear.

Rory

Something to look forward to.

Paris

I as you know haven't slept through the night since the first time I saw the Wizard of Oz. Thank you Mom.

Paris

Yeah?

UPS. I've got a package for Rory Gilmore?

Paris

From?

Harry and David.

Paris

Great. Fancy fruit.

Rory

Sorry.

Paris

[through the door] Step back from the door and keep your hands where I can see them.

Paris

Well, well, if it isn't New Haven's favorite whorehound!

Logan

Is Rory here?

Paris

Yes.

Logan

Can I talk to her?

Paris

No. You can talk to me. [Opens door] What do you want to talk about? Life? Love? Common symptoms of sexually transmitted diseases? ...Rashes, sores, insanity.

Paris

I know you cheated on Rory.

Logan

I did not cheat on Rory.

Paris

Are you going to deny it? Are you serious?

Logan

We were apart!

Paris

Oh please!

Logan

We were, we weren't together! And why the hell am I arguing with you? I don't want you back!

Paris

You, Logan Huntzburger, are nothing but a two-bit, spoiled, waste of a trust fund! You offer nothing to women or the world in general! If you were to disappear from the face of the earth tomorrow, the only person that would miss you is your Porsche dealer!