Jess Mariano quotes from Gilmore Girls

Jess

My mother told me never go through a lady’s bag. . .at least, not until you’re a couple blocks away. I’m just kidding, she never said that. Though it sounds like pretty good advice, doesn’t it?

Jess

[looking at windows] So do these open?

Rory

Oh yeah, you just have to unlatch them and then push.

Jess

Great. Shall we?

Rory

Shall we what?

Jess

Bail.

Rory

No.

Jess

Why?

Rory

Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini-mart just closed twenty minutes ago.

Jess

[about Luke] What, are you sleeping with him or something?

Lorelai

Excuse me?

Jess

I don't know, the whole starry eyed "you're so much better off, just give it a chance" speech... You're either really naive, or you're getting some.

Lorelai

Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.

Dean

Why would he do this?

Rory

Maybe he was hungry.

Dean

He’s trying to make me crazy.

Rory

Just don’t let him.

Jess

I gotta tell you, of all the nutty barn raising shindigs this town can cook up, this one wasn’t half bad.

Dean

Glad you enjoyed it.

Jess

Yes I did. So shall we?

Dean

"Shall we" what?

Jess

Shall we go?

Dean

Go where?

Jess

Go eat.

Dean

Excuse me?

Jess

The person who buys the basket wins the company of the person who makes the basket for lunch. Basket. Basket maker. Guy who didn’t bring enough money.

Dean

You think this is funny.

Jess

Well, it’s no Lenny Bruce routine, but it has its moments.

Dean

Bye, Jess.

Jess

Where you going?

Dean

You’re the one who’s going.

Jess

Oh, as soon as Rory is ready.

Dean

She’s not going with you.

Jess

Really, is that true?

Dean

Yes, it’s true.

Jess

Excuse me Edgar Bergen, I think I’d like Charlie McCarthy to answer now.

Dean

Shut up.

Rory

Dean.

Dean

What?

Rory

Well…

Dean

Oh, come on!

Rory

It’s tradition.

Dean

I don’t believe this.

Rory

It’s true. My mother and I have been doing this every year since we moved here.

Dean

So, buck tradition.

Rory

Are you kidding? Do you remember how mad Taylor was when I was sick and I couldn’t go to the turkey-calling contest?

Dean

This isn’t school, you’re not getting graded.

Rory

Just don’t make this into a big thing.

Dean

Don’t go.

Jess

Oh, geez, man, she’s not shipping off to ‘Nam.

Dean

You SO need to shut up now.

Jess

Forget it!

Luke

Why? What was wrong with it?

Jess

It was pink!

Luke

We can paint it.

Jess

You mean I can paint it.

Luke

We can paint it together.

Jess

Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.

Luke

Fine. Which one did you like?

Jess

The one before.

Luke

The one with the two fridges?

Jess

No.

Luke

Well, the one before was the one with two fridges.

Jess

No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat!

Luke

I hate cats!

Jess

Well, I don't think the cat came with the place.

Luke

Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it's always gonna smell like a cat.

Jess

(shrugs) Clean the carpet.

Luke

Paint the pink.

Jess

Fine. The one next to the bank.

Luke

Nah, too many windows.

Jess

What?

Luke

Six windows, all on one side, three o'clock in the afternoon, we're sittin' in an oven.

Jess

So we get curtains.

Luke

Well, you'd have to help me put them up.

Jess

Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.

Luke

Stop saying that!

Lorelai

So, umm... basically, uh, everything here is chicken. You got... garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan chicken, except it's got these red peppers in it, and if you eat them, you die. Plate?

Jess

Uh, I'd thought I, uh... (motioning to his filthy hands)

Lorelai

Oh, soap's on the counter.

Jess

So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?

Lorelai

It's been a while.

Jess

Yeah, I found an "I Like Ike" bumper sticker up there.

Lorelai

(giggles) Is it really bad?

Jess

Well, it won't be by tomorrow.

Lorelai

(hands him a spoon for his plate) I like hearing that!

Jess

So, you guys aren't too hot on vegetables, huh?

Lorelai

What are you talking about? There's green pepper in the Kung Pao.

Jess

My mistake.

Lorelai

So, are you a healthy eater like Luke?

Jess

No... no one's a healthy eater like Luke; Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke!

Lorelai

Wow... it's been AGES since I've a good "Euell Gibbons" reference!

Jess

Many parts of the pine tree ARE edible.

Lorelai

You leaving?

Jess

Yeah, all done.

Lorelai

You weren’t gonna come get your money?

Jess

Ah, I figured I’d get it eventually. It’s not like I don’t know where you guys live.

Lorelai

(chuckles) That’s true. You certainly do know where we live. Well here. (hands him the money he made for cleaning the gutters.) After all, you earned it.

Jess

Thanks.

Lorelai

You took it, didn’t you?

Jess

Excuse me?

Lorelai

Rory’s bracelet; you had it the whole time.

Jess

No idea what you’re talking about.

Lorelai

How’d you get it?

Jess

I didn’t get anything.

Lorelai

What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?

Jess

Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.

Lorelai

Very funny.

Jess

Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.

Lorelai

So it’s just a great big ol’ coincidence that I catch you coming out of Rory’s room a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed?

Jess

Guess so.

Lorelai

Why would you do this?

Jess

I gotta go.

Lorelai

I mean, I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory.

Jess

I didn't do anything.

Lorelai

Bull.

Jess

(scoffs) Whatever.

Lorelai

Oh, don’t "whatever" me, you little jerk! You let Rory run around completely panicked, thinking she lost her boyfriend’s bracelet. She was miserable, do you understand that?!

Jess

I didn't take it!

Lorelai

I’m sure you’re jealous of Dean because he’s great and Rory’s madly in love with him, but you taking the bracelet didn’t hurt Dean, it hurt Rory. That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off. It means everything to her, and you stealing it was unbelievably cruel!

Jess

The "most precious thing she owns"?

Lorelai

Yes!

Jess

If it’s the "most precious thing she owns", why did it take her TWO WEEKS to figure out it was gone, huh?! (Lorelai is dumbfounded) You might wanna re-evaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn’t start calling him "son" yet.

Lorelai

Get outta here!

Jess

You read my mind. (walks off)

Jess

Who was that on the phone?

Rory

No one

Jess

No one wouldn't be happening to be heading over here right now would he?

Rory

Jess...

Paris

What's going on?

Rory

Nothing

Jess

Dean's on his way over and Rory doesn't want him to find me here

Paris

Why?

Jess

Yea, why?

Rory

You know why

Jess

Just eating dinner

Rory

Jess, I'm asking you as a friend, just please leave, now

Jess

Do you really want me to go?

Rory

I really want to avoid a fight with Dean

Jess

OK, I'm going

Rory

Thank you

Jess

Ow!...oh...

Rory

What?

Jess

: I just twisted my ankle, I better go lie down

Rory

Jess...

Jess

God, you're no fun when you're tense! Are you sure you want me to go, cause maybe this whole thing can be solved between me and Dean if we just sit down and had a little heart-to-heart. He could tell me his issues, I'll tell him mine...

Rory

Jess!

Jess

I promise to speak slowly

Rory

Bye!

Jess

OK, well give him my best would ya...actually, I guess I could do that myself.

Rory

Dean, Jess just came by to bring me some food.

Jess

From Luke's.

Rory

He wanted to make sure I ate.

Jess

Luke did.

Rory

Right, Luke did.

Jess

Personally I could care less if she eats.

Rory

Yea, true, he could care less.

Jess

I see you brought a little something too...is that ice cream? That's so nice! A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey, are you guys gonna feed each other, cause that's just so darn cute...oops. You're doing that towering over me thing, huh, I tell ya, you've really got that down. it helps that you're 12 feet tall but this Frankenstein scowl really adds to the whole...

Rory

Jess!

Jess

OK, I'm going. Look man, I really was just droppin' off some food, so don't get all West Side Story on me, OK?

Rory

[at Sookie's wedding] What are you doing here?

Jess

Hello to you too...You look nice.

Rory

Thank you. What..what are you doing here?

Jess

I'm going to move back.

Rory

What?

Jess

I'm going to move back.

Rory

But..But why?

Jess

Just wanted to...

Rory

Oh my God, oh my God. [starts to run away]

Jess

Rory...

Rory

Don't say a word!

Jess

OK.

Rory

[While running away] Oh, welcome home!

Luke

Shouldn't we give thanks first?

Jess

Thanks for what?

Luke

Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.

Lorelai

Amen.

Dean

Nothing to say?

Jess

Guess not.

Dean

That’s funny, you usually have something to say.

Jess

Guess I’m all talked out.

Dean

What’s the matter, Jess? Why you walking away?

Jess

It’s getting a little West Side Story here, Dean, and I gotta warn you, my dancing skills are not up to snuff.

Dean

But now’s your chance, there’s no one else around.

Jess

Go home. Cool off.

Dean

Come on, make one of your Boy Scout references, or a good Farmer John joke. I got my Doose’s Market apron with me: you want me to put it on, give you a little inspiration? I don’t get it, what happened, you suddenly like me now?

Jess

Oh yeah, I was just about to invite you campin'.

Dean

Good, okay, now we’re gettin' somewhere.

Jess

I’m not gonna fight you, Dean.

Dean

Why?

Jess

‘Cause if I fight you, Rory’s gonna think it’s my fault, so just forget it, okay? Just forget it. Go home. Let it rest.

Dean

So Rory’s got a nice little hold on you now, huh?

Jess

Geez. [Dean gets right in front of his face.] Don’t do that.

Dean

How does it feel?

Jess

It feels like I’m with Rory and you’re not.

Dean

You know, when all this happened with you and me and Rory, I figured I’d just stay out of everyone’s way, that that would be easiest. But now, I’m looking at you and I’m thinking, I’m gonna run from him? The Glad man? This is my town, I’m not hiding. And I don’t have be remotely calm around you anymore, and I like that feeling. I like it a lot. Happy Thanksgiving, Jess.

Is Jess your real name?

Jess

Yes.

Do you like it?

Jess

It's fine.

Would you rather be named Bill?

Jess

No.

Frank?

Jess

No.

Mike?

Jess

No.

Bob?

Jess

No.

Ed?

Jess

Does this belong to you?

Dean

Clara, you want a snowcone?

Yes, will you get me a snowcone?

Jess

Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.

Dean

I gotta place an order.

Jess

Talk into the clown.

Dean

I am.

Jess

(annoyed) ... What do you want?

Dean

Six burgers, three with cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side... Your memory’s that good?

Jess

You’re screwing with me.

Dean

I’m placing an order.

Jess

For all of Connecticut.

Dean

For the construction crew next door.

Jess

Oh, you’re Taylor’s errand boy now.

Dean

And you’re Taylor’s waitress.

Jess

Say that a little closer.

Dean

I thought you had a girlfriend.

Jess

Give me your order and get out.

Dean

Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes; one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and–

Jess

I know what a combo means.

Dean

Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.

Jess

Do you wanna talk about this outside?

Dean

Just as soon as I’m finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.

Jess

On what?

Dean

Excuse me?

Jess

What are the extra pickles on?

Dean

On the side.

Jess

On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I’m gonna dump your body into is?

Jess

[about Emily] Does she know what I look like?

Rory

I don’t think so.

Jess

Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight.

Zack

Whoa, cool.

Dave

We all finished at the same time.

Lane

That has never happened.

Brian

The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.

Dave

Yeah, it sounded good.

Rory

It sounded great, guys. All of it. Didn't it?

Jess

Not too shabby.

Dave

We are so ready for this gig.

Lane

We've got a gig. I just love the sound of that.

Jess

Where is it?

Lane

Kyle from school. His parents are going to Marriage Encounter for the weekend so he's throwing this mondo party.

Jess

You got enough songs?

Dave

We have enough for two half-hour sets. What we need is a name.

Brian

I made my suggestion.

Zack

Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.

Brian

So yours is better?

Zack

"Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert" is memorable and classy.

Brian

I run out of breath every time I say it.

Zack

You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.

Dave

Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.

Brian

Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Desert" is too long.

Zack

Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to FTTTEOTD.