Luke Danes quotes from Gilmore Girls

Luke

[to Lorelai, about the town Reenactment] Tradition is a trap that allows people to stick their head in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Time's were simpler, kids didn't have sex, neighbors knew each other. It's a friggin' fairy tale. Things sucked then too, they just sucked without indoor plumbing.

Luke

I don't even like kids. They're always sticky like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow, they've always got jam on their hands! I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands!

Luke

[to Jess] When you date a girl like Rory, you’re involved with her whole family. Just like that last girl you dated, you were involved with her whole petri dish.

Luke

I don't have time to kill you right now, Kirk. Come back in a couple of hours.

Luke

Well, if you have a big one you don't need a small one. [Lorelai opens her mouth to speak] Don't say 'dirty', it's too easy. Hold these. [Gives her tools]

Luke

[on Lorelai’s answering machine] Hey, it’s Luke. I’m sorry to be calling you like this, but I was wondering if when you get this message if you could come pick me up, ’cause I need a ride. I’m in Lichtfield, the corner of Mason and Pine. It’s a big white building, you’ll recognize it by the police sign outside, ’cause oh hell, I’m in jail. Okay, there, I said it. It’s a long story, I’ll tell you when you get here. Thanks, if you come. Oh, one more thing, I need to borrow a little money, 300 bucks, it’s just a loan, oh hell, it’s for my bail.

Luke

A jungle gym license. If I want kids to play on my urn, no one's gonna tell me I need a license.

Luke

(commenting the "Rory" drink) This tastes pink. Like really pink. It's really bad; it's like drinking a My Little Pony.

Lorelai

Please, Luke. Please, please, please!

Luke

How many cups have you had this morning?

Lorelai

None.

Luke

Plus?

Lorelai

5, but yours is better.

Luke

You have a problem.

Lorelai

Yes, I do.

Luke

Junkie.

Lorelai

Angel. You've got wings, baby.

Lorelai

I already had the longest day of my life and oh look, it's only 10! How nice!

Luke

There's no coffee.

Lorelai

That's not funny.

Luke

I can get you herbal tea.

Lorelai

This is not a herbal tea morning, this is a coffee morning.

Luke

Every morning for you is a coffee morning.

Lorelai

This is a jumbo coffee morning. I need coffee in an I.V.

Luke

I can give you tea and a balance bar.

Lorelai

Please, please, please, tell me you're kidding!

Luke

I'm kidding. [goes to get the coffee]

Lorelai

You're sick!

Luke

Yup!

Lorelai

You're a sadist, you're a fiend! [Luke comes out with the pot of coffee] You're pretty!

Rory

Mom's famous for her blowouts.

Lorelai

The best one was her eighth birthday.

Rory

Oh yeah, that was good.

Lorelai

The cops shut us down.

Luke

The cops shut down an eight year old's birthday party?

Rory

And arrested the clown.

Rory

Hey. My mom's not wearing any underwear.

Lorelai

Oh!

Rory

Well you aren't.

Taylor

You're just being selfish, Luke.

Lorelai

Still they don't notice. I can't take it anymore.

Taylor

We're talking about the spirit of fall.

Lorelai

What kind of muffin do you want?

Rory

Blueberry.

Luke

You know where you can stick the spirit of fall?

Luke

Here, don't use your hands.

Taylor

I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Luke

What gave you that idea? [to Lorelai, who is leaving] No tip?

Lorelai

Oh, yeah, here's a tip: serve your customers.

Luke

Here's another: don't sit on any cold benches.

Lorelai

That Lothario over there has wormed his way into my daughter's heart — and mouth — and for that, he must die!

Luke

You can't kill the bag boy.

Lorelai

Why not?

Luke

It's double coupon day — you'll bring down the town.

Lorelai

I feel like this is one of those moments when I should be remembering all the great times I had with my dad, you know. The time he took me shopping for a Barbie or to the circus or fishing but my mind is a complete blank.

Luke

Well I'm sure it happened.

Lorelai

No it didn't. We never did any of that. He went to work, he came home, he read the paper, he went to bed, I snuck out the window. Simple. He was a very by the numbers guy. I was never very good with numbers.

Luke

I'm sure he loves you.

Lorelai

You know my dad is not a bad guy.

Luke

I'm sure he's not.

Lorelai

He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to. He followed the rules taught to him by his non-fishing-non-Barbie-buying dad. He worked hard. He bought a nice house. He provided for my mom. All he asked in return was for his daughter to wear white dresses and go to cotillion and want the same life that he had. What a disappointment it must have been for him to get me.

Luke

I can't imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment.

Luke

[as Lorelai avoids going into her father's hospital room] So, who are you going to go find now?

Lorelai

Stop.

Luke

How about Jimmy Hoffa? That'll keep you busy for a while.

Lorelai

I said stop.

Luke

You can't avoid going in that room forever.

Lorelai

I'm not avoiding anything. I'm going to find coffee.

Luke

The machine is jammed.

Lorelai

There are other machines.

Luke

Admit you're afraid.

Lorelai

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Luke

The truth hurts.

Lorelai

No, you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head.

Luke

What? [Looks behind him and sees a person on a gurney] Oh, my God!