Richard Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Richard

Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at 3, recite the periodic table at 4, discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was 10. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you.

Rory

So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz going?

Richard

Eh, people die, we pay. People crash cars, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.

Lorelai

Well, at least you have your new slogan.

Richard

How are things at the motel, Lorelai?

Lorelai

You mean the inn? Great.

Emily

Yes. So, Rory, your grandfather and I thought it might be nice after dinner for you to go around the house and pick out what you'd like us to leave you in our wills.

Richard

Take a look at that desk in my office. It's a really fine Georgian piece.

Lorelai

Why don't I ever bring a tape recorder to these dinners?

Rory

Oh, well, anything you want to leave me is fine.

Emily

Nonsense. You should have what you like. So look around and when you see something you like stick a post-it on it.

Lorelai

OK, you two have officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at.

Emily

You can pick out things too, you know.

Lorelai

Oh, well now it's way less creepy.

Emily

Did you hear that Richard? Apparently we're creepy.

Richard

Yes, well, live and learn.

Emily

This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.

Richard

Rory? Are you in any way malnourished, or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?

Rory

I'm good.

Richard

She's good, Emily.

Emily

[So] you were on the phone…

Richard

Long distance.

Lorelai

God?

Richard

London.

Lorelai

God lives in London?

Richard

My mother lives in London.

Lorelai

Your mother is God?

Richard

Lorelai…

Lorelai

So, God is a woman.

Richard

Lorelai…

Lorelai

And a relative! That's so cool. I am gonna totally ask for favors.

Richard

Make her stop.

Rory

Oh, that I could.

Richard

I'll be dead tomorrow. I plan on flinging myself off the roof tonight right in the middle of Pittie Salinger's opening speech.

Emily

Pittie Salinger is a dear friend and you will be nice to her.

Richard

Pittie Salinger is a dipsomaniac. I'm going to bring my newspaper.

Richard

His head is shaped like a football.

Emily

It is not.

Richard

If he fell asleep in the park, someone would try to punt him.

Richard

How tall are you?

Dean

Why? You wanna dance?

Richard

No, thank you. [pause] I appreciate the offer, though.

Richard

There are a lot of nice historical places up there.

Christopher

Something historical in our price range would be perfect.

Emily

You know historical homes are infested with mold, don’t you?

Lorelai

Mold?

Emily

It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and shoots off spores that slowly kill you and your family.

Lorelai

You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom.

Richard

Now, at this point, I would like to turn the meeting over to Paris, who will bring us up to date on our latest development. Paris.

Paris

Thank you, Richard.

Paris

First, let me say that I'm glad to see you all here today, at the beginning of what I think is going to be a very exciting experiment.

[whispering] She doesn't have the baseball bat in her hands, does she?

Lorelai

That’s right, you make coffee, so you’ll need a coffee maker. Let’s see. Ugly, crappy, German, ooh - pretty!

Richard

Oh, well, as long as it’s pretty...

Richard

Ah, you’re here.

Lorelai

And you are by far the most masculine-looking maid my parents have ever had.

Richard

It’s chaos here. The second maid called in sick, the first is busy with dinner, and your poor mother is at the hospital. Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.

Lorelai

Come again?

Richard

Three of her friends had strokes. And now she is hopping from sick bed to sick bed offering whatever comfort she can.

Lorelai

Three DAR strokes. What’s in that water they’re drinking?

Richard

Well, a little whiskey, usually. Oh, and you’re forgetting Liesl.

Lorelai

What?

Richard

Our East-German maid. She was much more masculine-looking than me.

Lorelai

Right, the muttonchops.

Lorelai

You’re a hell of a lot more interesting than that usual shot they have of all the white men walking around that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.

Richard

That’s a televised house vote, and I find that fascinating.

Lorelai

It’s like watching the Men’s Wearhouse security camera.

Emily

Take the cake into the kitchen now, Teresa.

Lorelai

Wait, aren't I supposed to blow out the candles?

Emily

Oh, Teresa can do that.

Lorelai

Mom, it's tradition for the person whose name is on the cake to do the blowing.

Emily

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought only children liked to do that. Shall we bring it back out and relight it?

Lorelai

No.

Richard

Well, would you like to make a wish and blow out the tapers?

Lorelai

Why am I being mocked on my birthday?

Richard

Because it's the Gilmore way.

Richard

This was my favorite thing to eat as a boy. My Gran used to make this for me whenever I was feeling a little sad. You know, if my cricket team lost or a girl I fancied, turned up her nose at me.

Lorelai

Well, then load me up, because there was this cute chick at the pharmacy today. I used my best material on her and nothing.

Emily

Richard, at least let Pena serve it.

Lorelai

No comment on my lesbian hilarity? My, how far we've come.