Monica Geller quotes from Friends

[Enters, mortified] Hi.

This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Monica

Are you okay, sweetie?

I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

Cookie?

Monica

[Explaining to others] Carol moved her stuff out today. [To Ross] Let me get you some coffee.

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Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.

But...

No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Fine... be murky.

I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.

Monica

No, you don't.

No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!

And you never knew she was a lesbian?

No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

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Monica

Rachel?!

Oh, Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!

WWaitress

Can I get you some coffee?

Monica

[Pointing at Rachel] De-caff. [To the gang] Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. [To Rachel] This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?

Hi, sure!

Hi.

[They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens. he sits, defeated again]

[A moment of silence where Rachel sits; the others expect her to explain]

Monica

So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?

Oh... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- [to waitress]Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. [To Monica] So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.

Monica

-who wasn't invited to the wedding.

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...

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[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit card]

Cut, cut, cut...

EEverybody

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

[cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...

Monica

Rachel, that was a library card.

[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts up her credit card]

S1 E1 The One Where Monica Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot)

You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Monica

[to Rachel] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

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Monica

Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?

Probably kill myself.

Monica

Excuse me?

Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.

Joey, omnipotent.

You are? I'm so sorry.

S1 E4 The One with George Stephanopoulos

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Monica

What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?

I couldn't do it.

Monica

Good for you, Joey.

When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

S1 E6 The One with the Butt

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[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]

Come on, someone go.

Monica

OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.

That's my sister.

OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.

Monica

Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?

Phoebs, what about you?

Oh um... Milwaukee.

Um... Ross?

Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.

Ooh, Rachel.

Oh come on, I already went.

Monica

You did not go.

All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.

Step back...

We have a winner!

S1 E7 The One with the Blackout

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[after being told by everyone he makes a gay first impression even though he said "be vague about it"] So... what is it about me?

Monica

I don't know....You...you have a quality.

EEveryone

Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.

Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

S1 E8 The One Where Nana Dies Twice

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Monica

[complaining about her Thanksgiving] Did anyone ever give a hoot about what I wanted? NO, NO, NO, NO! And I'm just... [her voice gets very squeaky and high-pitched]

Okay, Monica, only dogs can hear you now.

S1 E9 The One Where Underdog Gets Away

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Do either of you have the keys?

Monica

The oven is on!

Oh, I've got to get my ticket!