Monica Geller quotes from Friends

Rachel

Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica

Still... it's just such reckless spending.

Ross

I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler

Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica

That was me.

Monica

I wanna baby!

Chandler

You'll get one.

Monica

Oh really when?

Chandler

All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica

Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler

Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica

Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler

Uh... Uh....

Monica

What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?

Chandler

This parachute is a knapsack!

Ross

Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.

Monica

Oh, no, she's out having drinks with Carl.

Ross

Oh. Hey, who's Carl?

Monica

You know that guy she met at the coffeehouse?

Ross:

No.

Phoebe

Oh, well, you see, there's this guy she met at the...

Ross

At the coffeehouse, right?

Phoebe

So you do know who he is!

Rachel

Ah. All this time he was in love with me. [Moving near Joey] What else did he say? He wanted to ask me out for a coffee?

Joey

Given that he is desperately in love with you, I'd bet he would like to have a cup of coffee.

Chandler

What about the time difference?

Monica

From here to airport?

Chandler

Yes..!

Monica

What you gonna say to him?

Rachel

I don't know, maybe if i see him i will know.

Phoebe

[Picks up Ross's photo and walks to Rach] How about now? [Phoebes keeps Ross's photo up her face and acts like Ross] Does this help?

Rachel

No. [Walks out]

Chandler

[yells] HEY. I LOVE YOU TOO.! Deal with me first.

Monica

Phoebe, listen. You were with me and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe

What?

Monica

We were shopping and we had lunch.

Phoebe

Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica

You had a salad.

Phoebe

Oh. No wonder I don't feel full.

Rachel

[Enters] Hey, guys. What's up?

Phoebe

I went shopping with Monica all day and I had a salad.

Rachel

Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?

Phoebe

Umm, we went shopping for, umm, for... fur.

Rachel

You went shopping for fur?

Phoebe

Yes... [Realizes what she said] And then I realized I'm against that... and, uh, so then we bought some... [Monica is pointing at her chest behind Rachel's back] uhh, boobs.

Rachel

You bought boobs?

Phoebe

Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

Rachel

[To Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.

Phoebe

Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

Monica

You made it!

Phoebe

You're there!

Rachel

You are ready to make a commitment!

Chandler

Whoa! Don't know about that.

Phoebe

I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.

Monica

Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! AND I saw you eat a cheeseburger.

Monica

Well? Didn't you?

Phoebe

I might've...

Monica

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

Phoebe

Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?

Monica

What have I not told you?

Phoebe

[smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!

Monica

WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!

Monica

You are dead meat.

Chandler

I didn't know it was a big secret.

Monica

[smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a THIRD NIPPLE!

Phoebe

You have a third nipple?

Chandler

[to Monica] You bitch.

Ross

Whip it out, whip it out!

Chandler

Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!

Rachel

Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Joey

I can't believe you- you told me it was a nubbin!

Ross

Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?

Joey

I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was.

Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see!

Chandler

JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!

Chandler

If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.

Chandler

Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.

Monica

All I say is, she better get the job.

Ross

Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

Phoebe

I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.

Rachel

Me neither.

Joey

Me, too.

Monica

Guys, we bought the tickets.

Phoebe

Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.

Chandler

Why did you look at me when you said that?

Monica

Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.

Chandler

Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.

Joey

I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

Ross

Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.

Joey

No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.

Monica

Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."

Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?

Rachel

[Shocked]

Monica

All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!

Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

Rachel

So why don't you go talk to him?

Monica

[sarcastically] Oh, yeah!

Rachel

What? So you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?

Monica

He could hear me!

Joey

Some girl ate Monica!

Monica

Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!

Chandler

Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?

Ross

You have a date? Who with?

Monica

No one.

Ross

C'mon, what's his name?

Monica

Nothing.

Ross

Come on, tell me.

Monica

All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.

Ross

Oh, I promise. What?

Monica

It's Richard Burke.

Ross

Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.