[First words of the series and show]
There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!
C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!
[to Monica] So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
[The others stare, bemused]
Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Sounds like a date to me.
Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realise I am totally naked.
AAll
Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Then I look down, and I realise there's a phone... there.
All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I dont know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
They weren't looking at you before?
Finally, I figure I better answer it. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very very weird, because- she never calls me!
Oh no, no. Don't! Stop cleansing my aura.
No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?
I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.
No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
And you never knew she was a lesbian?
No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?
Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
[Ross gestures his consent]
Strip joints! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones!
See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just-- I just-- I just want to be married again.
[Rachel in a wedding dress enters the shop]
And I just want a million dollars!.
Oh, Monica, hi! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!
WWaitress
Can I get you some coffee?
[Pointing at Rachel] De-caff. [To the gang] Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. [To Rachel] This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
[They go to hug but Ross' umbrella opens. he sits, defeated again]
[A moment of silence where Rachel sits; the others expect her to explain]
So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Oh... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- [to waitress]Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. [To Monica] So anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
-who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.
Oh, how well you know me.
[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit card]
EEverybody
Cut, cut, cut, cut!
[cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Rachel, that was a library card.
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts up her credit card]
You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
[to Rachel] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.
