Family Guy · Season 2
We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Peter!
I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
[he points to said man in front of the lockers]
What? Women are things.
Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect...
[he wheels in a stretcher, and exposes...]
A clown!
[the students, including Peter, gasp, and Mr. Fargas cuts the tissue with his scalpel and looks inside the clown with a strange look on his face]
Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with... [extracts from the clown...] CANDY!!
[he tosses the candy to his cheering students]
[through Peter's eyes, which are blindfolded]
Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
[he is actually driving blind]
Then at least let me drive!
Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] [laughs] that's adorable!
[making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.
[cut to Hell; the Devil gets a message instantly]
Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.
Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]
[after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank] Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!
Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?
[lividly] NO WAY!!
[he throws his last ball at the target, and it hits, sending the fisherman into the shark-infested tank]
Oh, for the love of Pete!
[a shark eats him]
What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!
[cut to Stewie's room, where later, Stewie sits casually in a chair, doing a "confessional" to the camera]
Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I do. I have no problem. It's just, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just-- I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?
Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?
Aren't you a little old to be wearing braces? [man covers mouth, embarrassed]
Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.
Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.
Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?
[nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.
But I remember it so clear-
[loudly] It was a dream!
Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island State Prison?
[jail door closes]
Just one.
[eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.
HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."
Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.
AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!
AHA! Thank you for proving my point.
DAMN!
Hi! Cookie?
No, no, actually it's Stewie, but...well, well, you can call me "Cookie" if you like. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I, yes, yes, I've also been known to answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald," and "Snake." Yes, yes, I-I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin... [wiggles his tongue like a snake]
Lois has had the car all week, and it's just been hell gettin' around. I actually had to rent a mustang.
[cut to Peter riding a horse instead of the car. He stops at a gas station and grabs a gas nozzle. He looks for a slot to fill with gas, but can't find any. He then slowly lifts the tail and moves the nozzle towards the anus]
I have asked you in here tonight so that you may perform a service.
What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.
[Peter has gotten liposuction]
My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
