FFrancis
[shocked at the sight of the Pope] Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father! [kneels before his Holiness] I am not worthy.
S2Holy Crap
S2Da Boom
EErnie
Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
NO! [runs over to Trix Rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Ernie] I'm sorry, what were you saying?
...besides, this place is paradise.
OMOld Man
Sure is, except for Randy Newman.
Randy Newman?
MMan
Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.
NNewman
[sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!
Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.
NNewman
[sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!
[whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.
NNewman
[sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]
S2Brian in Love
BBarker
Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Oh, just die already.
[Meg enters the room and sees a wet stain on the rug]
EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!
NO!
S2Love Thy Trophy
HHaji
Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
HHaji
Li, would your people really do this?
Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who will in turn sell them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?
[Children crying and when Peter falls through the chimney]
Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils!
Oh, hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas.
HHaji
But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
ACAfrican Child
Don't be stupid! Santa is black!
HHaji
Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.
LLi
Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian!
PPablo
How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!
S2Death is a Bitch
[Death has a flashback of his teen years when he and his old girlfriend made out in his car; the car rocks]
Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy. Ohh...
[the car stops rocking, all of a sudden; Sandy is silent]
Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever! [pause] Or am I?
[he resumes making out with her, and the car begins to rock again]
[the cast of Dawson's Creek catches Peter (as Death) in the cockpit after he knocked out the pilots]
VDVan Der Beek
Nice goin', fat!
Hey, I was just tryin' to save your lives!
S2The King is Dead
Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.
No, you didn't!
You win this round, Lois.
You're not being creative! You're just destroying a wonderful show!
Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.
The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into!
I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.
[to Peter] You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
S2I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar
W1Woman 1
Boy, that lotion sure feels good.
W2Woman 2
Sure is hot. [removes her top]
W1Woman 1
And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]
AAnnouncer
Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
CChef
[sings as he comes out of the kitchen with...] 10 banana cream pies!
[Lois and Ironbox, still in their catfight, slam into him, and he drops the pies]
S2If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin
There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!
I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
...Oh yeah.
S2Running Mates
We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Peter!
I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
[he points to said man in front of the lockers]
MMajors
What? Women are things.
FMr. Fargas
Take out your scalpels, kids. We're going to dissect...
[he wheels in a stretcher, and exposes...]
FMr. Fargas
A clown!
[the students, including Peter, gasp, and Mr. Fargas cuts the tissue with his scalpel and looks inside the clown with a strange look on his face]
FMr. Fargas
Well, no wonder this clown died. His lungs are filled with... [extracts from the clown...] CANDY!!
[he tosses the candy to his cheering students]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.