Dan Vs. quotes

Be careful, they hate getting your order right. Those are nice shoes. Did you know the fries here give you scabies?

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[people are protesting with Dan]

PWProtestor Woman

Say "no" to pickle burgers!

You sing it, sister! Pickles are gross! Hey guys! Over here!

[Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile crowded with protestors and find Dan tied up with Hortence]

Wow, Dan. You've really started something.

Yup. I think they're about to cave. They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.

Oh. We were going to grab dinner.

Oh, don't worry. We can just go across the street. I see you've made a new friend, Dan.

HHortense

I'm Hortense. Dan's girlfriend.

Wow, Dan. Way to go.

Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me. What? They do.

[goes in] Ladies and gentlemen. While admitting no wrong-doing on the parts of Burgerphile, wholly owned subsidiary of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited International Incorporated, a division of Drax Chemical and Munitions Corporation, we realize some of our customers are not completely satisfied. So please, enjoy the table of complimentary cheeseburgers outside. [protestors excitedly leave, but gets tricked]

WWally

Hey, there's no table!

[locks all the door] Checkmate!

Please, every revolution has a few weak links. But these won't break, nor will I.

Well, we'll just see about that.

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[the angry mob upset after being duped, Jeremiah steps in, looks inside and see what Jeff's doing to Dan and he uses his key to unlock the door]

[inside] Stop it, Jeff! He's had enough!

[tortures Dan by slicing onions on his chest] I'll say when he's had enough! Retract your complaint!

[crying] NEVER!!

JEFF! [Jeff's knife drops and stabs the barrel of grease causing it to spill on the floor] What is the meaning of this!? And why is there an angry mob outside demanding free cheeseburgers!?

Mr. Burger, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here!? I'm watching the news, having my midday burger, [grabs Jeff's collar, yelling at him] and what do I see!?

I can explain.

[jumps in] Let me! This wackadoo got my order wrong and then refused to fix it! [throws out onion] Plus, he's been torturing me! Which is seriously uncool!

What do you have to say for yourself, Jeff?

He obviously just ordered wrong.

[slaps Jeff on the head] I meant about the torture thing.

Oh. That. Well, yeah. But I swear he ordered his burger with cheese.

I said [yelling] NO CHEESE!!

I've heard enough! Jeff, you've forgotten the first rule of customer service.

Um, don't let them go for your eyes?

[holds the spatula firmly] The customer is always right! [puts spatula away, walks up to Jeff's record, dials Jeff's Customer Satisfaction Counter Dial to 99%]

But my perfect record!

[takes away his frame] I'm sorry, Jeff.

[grows furious] NO!!! [chases after Jeff by trying to get back his frame as in doing a tug-of-war, he is unaware that the grease is flowing on Jeremiah's foot, he pulls it causing Jeremiah to slip, Jeff falls as his award is thrown, Jeremiah crashes to the picture frame, Jeff's award lands on the oven now being set on fire, Jeremiah is unconscious] Oh no! What have I done? I-I think I've killed him!

Probably, but let's not forget why we're all here. You got my order wrong!

You don't get it. I have no family, no friends. My perfect record is all I have! [sobbing]

Wow, you just made me really sad right now.

[picks up an unconscious Jeremiah Burger trying to wake him up] Come on, Mr. Burger! Wake up! Please wake up! You're the closest thing I have to a father!

Hey, does anyone else smell smoke? And hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't -- [fire ignites the grease]

Oh, no! Burgerphile! No! [takes out two fire extinguishers and drags them backwards]

[gets out of chains] Burgerphile! I'll save you!

You do care about this place?

Of course I do. [takes one fire extinguisher from Jeff] I've always cared.

CCrunchy

You two aren't so different after all. Major twist, bro.

DJDan and Jeff

[yelling] SHUT UP!!

Okay! Quick, get the flames on the window!

This window?

Yes, the one on fire!

[sprays extinguisher at Jeff's face] Now you know how it feels when someone gets your order wrong! [walks away]

[the white powder comes off off Jeff's face, now furious, Dan goes to the counter and drops his extinguisher, Jeff and Dan go into a battle]

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[Jeff takes out a bag plastic utensils, bits the tops off, and throws them at Dan]

Take that, you life-ruiner! {Dan jumps to the counter and finds more condiments on the box for ammo]

Condiments! [slams his fists at the condiments, Jeff misses and takes a hit in his glasses]

MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!! [gets the sauces out of his glasses, Dan sends out more condiments as Jeff tackles him and he's about to finish him off with a spatula]

Dan, heads up! [gives Dan the acoustic guitar and hits Jeff in the face]

Say goodbye, walking sticks!

No I need them for walking!

Dan, the fire!

Oh, right. [goes to Hortence]

[waking up] What the... Help me up! [Dan goes to Jeremiah] I can reset the sprinkler system. [to Jeff] You know you're supposed to check those every three months, Jeff.

Yeah, and we're supposed to toss the burgers when they get that rancid rainbow, but here on the front lines we have to make do with what we've got. [Jeremiah takes out the hammer, breaks the glass and presses the sprinkler system, water comes out and puts out the flames]

[hugs Dan] My hero!

Now for you, Jeff.

Sir, please. I know this got a teensy bit out of control-

Teensy? You forgot the most important thing, Jeff! Customer service is about the customer! Also, you nearly killed me, which is irksome. There's only one thing left for you. Mac, Karl.

[whining as Mac and Karl drag him out] Anything but Maryland! Anything! Send me to jail, just don't make me go back to that awful place!

Goodbye, Jeff. I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a burger about now. How do you take yours?

Naked.

A man after my own heart.

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[at the end, Chris and Elise arrive at Burgerphile]

Where have you guys been?

We had dinner across the street.

It was amazing. So much better than Burg- I mean- sorry.

Hortence, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.

HHortense

Thank you, sir.

By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.

[hugs Jeremiah] Oh, thank you, sir!

Do me proud, Hortence.

Congratulations! This is so great for you!

It is, but it's not good for us.

What do you mean? I'll have to move.

That's true.

To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.

Maybe I won't go.

You have to go. I can't let you give up on your dreams. Not after everything you've done for me. I can't have you regret me. I would never regret you.

[as he takes her away from Dan] Time to go, Hortence. Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life. How do you like your burger?

I'll always like you like you!

We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.

You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away. It's just a straight shot down the highway. You could be there in half an hour.

Gone forever.

CCrunchy

[shows up covered in chains while Dan, Chris, and Elise leave Burgerphile] Oh, brother. Protest buddy. Little help with these chains. Please.

[while he's walking away] Just ignore him.

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[while walking with Dan] Can we please pick up the pace?

Hey, you shouldn't have come with me on errand day if you didn't have the time.

You said, you needed a ride, and you only had one thing to do.

Yeah, run errands. Plus, you got something, too.

One thing. At one place. I had to pick it up for Elise's birthday. [shows Dan the necklace] Nice, huh?

The box is okay I guess.

It's a heirloom. It was the only thing of value my great-great grandmother brought her to this country. I got it engraved, see? [shows it to Dan]

Who's Elsie?

What? Oh no.

What's going on here? [drops all of his stuff on the sidewalk]

Ta-da!

Oh magic. Never mind, we're going.

Cool, magic!

Seriously? How old are you?

Magicians have powers that normal humans can't understand Dan.

No, they have gimmicky deck of cards and thinly-veiled distractions. You will feel a punch. Watch this hand! [punches Chris in the stomach]

Ow! How'd you do that?

For my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer. How about you? [jumps on the floor] Behold! A necklace. [makes a magic trick to Chris' necklace] Transportatum necloranicum.

[looks at his necklace box] It's gone.

[everybody cheers]

Okay, now let's make it reappear so we can all get on with our lives.

I'm sorry, but that would be impossible. I banished it to the 4th dimension of the universe.

What? Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Your necklace is now in another realm. A small price to pay for magic!

[everybody cheers]

Hey, buddy. You might fool children and Chris here. But we both know that magic is a scam. Now give my friend his necklace back.

Abra Cadabra! [shows up with an underwear]

Wait, those look like- [looks in his pants]

Abra Cadabra! [disappears and drives away]

Hey! I know you're in there!

It's no use, Dan. You can't fight a magician.

For the last time, magic is not real!

[holding a stick with an underwear] So, this isn't your underwear?

MAGICIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!

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[Dan and Chris arrive at a castle]

Talk about gaudy. Yeesh. This is perfect. We penetrate their sanctum sanctorum and expose magic for the fraud that it is. [he and Chris walk up to the bodyguard] Two, please.

Two what?

Tickets, passes, whatever.

You have to say the magic words.

Are you kidding me?

Clearly, you are not magicians. Please get off our property.

Listen, meathead. We need to see The Amazing Peter. It's important. I promised I'd return his baseball bat.

Look, buddy. Either disappear or I will make you disappear.

Fine. Come on, Chris. We'll just have to-ATTACK! [the bodyguard grabs his baseball bat] Run! [he runs off as he and Chris climb up a tree to sneak through the castle] Come on, it's not that far to the roof.

I don't know. This doesn't seem safe.

Nothing worth doing is safe. Was marrying Elise safe?

Yes.

Well, there you have it. Hey!

[shows up as a genie] What do you think you're doing?

Wow, that guy's really- [falls off a tree]

Next time. [takes a dive off the tree]

[with Dan in the river with a crocodile] Still think magic's not real?

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[as he becomes sneaky opening up a room] Aha. Here's your so-called 4th dimension. I told you this hocus pocus was mumbo jumbo.

You! Stop polishing watches. I need you to go to Pasadena and work a jewelry convention. Should be a gold mine, if you know what I mean.

MMan

Yes, sir.

I'm impressed. There is some serious crime happening here.

No. No. Come on, where is it? Wait, I think I found it. Wait! [the treasure lands on him] Got it!

Smooth as always, genius.

Uh oh.

[Magnifico the Magnificent and two men confront Dan and Chris]

Alright, magician. Game's over. We know the truth.

It's Magnifico the Magnificent. And for your information, I found all these watches and I bought all this jewelry.

I don't care about that. Steal away! I just want you to admit that you don't have any magical powers.

Oh, I have powers! Observe. [he electrocutes Chris]

Eh, that didn't even look real. Felt real. [he runs off to defeat Magnifico the Magnificent]

Sleep! [he puts Dan to sleep and takes the necklace away from Chris] I'll take that.

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[Chris and Dan are chained up in jail]

Dan? Dan? Dan!

Wha-- where am l?

Magnifico did magic on you.

He did not!

He did! He stopped you dead in your tracks. It was magic, real magic.

[as he is taking Elise to jail] Stop struggling. You're only making it worse. This should cool you off.

CDChris and Dan

Elise?

Hi, guys.

What are you doing here?

Well, as long as we're all chained up, I might as well tell you the whole story. It all started on my 8th birthday. [scene cuts to her memory from her 8th birthday]

Good afternoon, boys and girls. I am Magnifico the Magnificent, and I need a volunteer to help me do some magic!

KEKid Elise

Oh, oh, me, me!

Everyone, give a big hand for Elise. Alright, just sit down. Alright, on 3! 3!

[Kid Elise screams as Magnifico the Magnificent plays a trick on her]

KEKid Elise

[as she is trapped inside a box] Help me! [as she is spinning on the wheel] Please, stop! Ta-da!

[the kids cheer as kid Elise gets scared as her flashback ends]

Please ever since then, I haven't even been able to be in the same room as a magician.

Wow, that's awful. I mean, it doesn't explain what you're doing here right now, which was my original question, but still awful.

Well, after what happened to me, I certainly couldn't let someone I love get hurt by magic. So I followed you here, I snuck in successfully, but when a magician asked if he could saw me in half, I sort of lost it. What? He'll live.

[after freeing himself off his chain] Ahh, much better.

Wait. How did you get free?

Well, I got really bored during Elise's story. Then I remembered my left thumb is double-jointed.

How did you get your other hand free?

Pulled really hard.

[whispering] Well, help us.

Do you believe in magic? You bet do.

There's no time. I'll have to come back for you guys. Don't move. [he climbs on Chris as he heads out to the vent]

What are you doing?

I stepped in something.

Hey where's the third guy?

Ahh bathroom?

Alright.

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[while hosting his magic show] Behold the power of magic. And witness the Chest of Wonders! [Dan shows up from the box]

You, sir, are baloney! You're no more magical than my big toe!

Can your big toe do this? [he tries to zap Dan but fails] What the?

Aw, I wish I had a wand like that. [he and Magnifico the Magnificent try to zap each other] No! Stop being amazed! This isn't magic. It's just a metal rod hooked up to a car battery.

Who taught you my magic trick?

[while Magnifico the Magnificent is trying to zap him] No one. I figured them out with plain old common sense. [the crowd laughs] I'll admit levitating was the hardest one. Turns out it's nothing more than fishing line and pulleys.

[Peter and the bodyguard play a trick on Magnifico the Magnificent]

Aha! Sleep!

[the crowd cheers]

Looks like his next trick's gonna be regaining consciousness. [found something hidden] Chloroform vapor.

Magnifico! No!

Wow. Mr. Mumbles did not want to leave that dove room.

Stay right here! Time to show you a trick or two. [she defeats the bodyguard]

Happy birthday! [gives Elise the necklace]

Seriously?

You don't understand. The magician stole it, right? And my great-great-grandmother and then Dan-

We'll talk later.

Well, folks, we've all been through something very special tonight. I think it's clear now that magic is a bunch of hogwash. I hope that you've all learned-

Hey, Dan! Abra-- [Mr. Mumbles defeats him]

I've never seen Mr. Mumbles attack anyone like that before.

See? Everything has an explanation.

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[Dan arrives home and finds some kids selling lemonade in his neighborhood]

Hey, you kids! Either show me your vendor permits or get out of my spot!

So, what seems to be the problem here, mister?

Yeah, mister. What's the problem?

Quiet, Moose.

Sorry, boss.

Hey, kids. I don't mean to run you out of business, but you're kind of in my spot. So, I need to run you out of business. Or at least have you move.

We were here first.

Yeah, first.

Moose.

Right, sorry.

Well, technically, I was here first. I live here. This is where I park.

Not anymore.

I- Ahhh-I have no answer for that! [backs up his car and parks at a different spot] Children, can't live with them, can't hunt them for sport. [he walks upstairs but the Lemonade Stand Gang blocks his way]

Hey, mister. Lemonade?

I don't want any. I just want to go home. Out of the way, irksome urchins.

I wasn't asking. You're going to buy a cup of lemonade before you can pass.

Don't you threaten me, kid. I- [screams when Timmy splashes lemonade on his face] Hey!

That'll be $1.25.

A $1.25?! That's outrageous!

Pay up! Or Large Harold here will give you the deepest, longest-lasting charley horse you've ever had.

HHarold

I call it a Charles horse.

First of all, I don't carry cash. Second of all- [screams and trips when Moose poses a pushup] You'll pay for this, you hooligans.

[as he and the Lemonade Stand Gang comfront Dan] Did you just call us hooligans?

[as he is beaten up by the Lemonade Stand Gang] Get off me! You ankle-biting meatballs! [arrives at his apartment, injured and calls Chris]

Hello?

I'm bruised and sticky!

Dan?

Who else? Get over here, I have a major problem with minors. [screams as there is a note thrown through the window by The Lemonade Stand Gang, he picks up the note and reads it] "If you know what's good for you, don't mess with The Lemonade Stand Gang. Signed, The Lemonade Stand Gang." Those little beasts! LEMONAAAAAAAADE STAAAAAAAAND GAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!

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Hey, mister. Lemonade?

No, thanks, buddy. I just bought one, remember?

I do not. Do you remember this guy buying anything?

I don't remember nothin', boss.

Watch your double negatives, Moose.

Sorry, boss.

Okay, kids. This has been fun, but I have to go. Come on, kids. I-- [gets splashed] Ahh! Hey! Look, you can't just bully people like this, you little hooligan.

What did you call us? Dolores!

[the Lemonade Stand Gang starts to beat up Chris]

Look, why can't you just leave me alone?

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[Chris arrives home, injured by The Lemonade Stand Gang]

Hey, honey. What took you so long to get ho-- Oh, my gosh! Chris! What happened to your shins?

I was attacked.

Mugged?

Uh, sort of. There are these kids outside Dan's place who set up a lemonade stand. What's funny?

I'm sorry, it's just- No, never mind. Sorry, go on.

Why are you laughing? I can barely walk.

Nothing is funny! Come on! Tell me what happened!

Well, Dan said they attacked him. And I didn't believe him at first.

Because it's ridiculous?

Exactly. And then when I left his place, they tried to force me to buy another lemonade. I said, no, thanks. And they surrounded me and went to town on my shins! Fine. Just make fun.

Oh, no. Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but you got beat up by kids?

Not beat up, just kicked a lot! Besides, it's not like I'm going to fight a bunch of children.

Oh, listen. Why don't I get you an ice pack? [goes to the kitchen and laughs]

It's NOT funny!

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[as he is being chased by The Lemonade Stand Gang] I don't want any lemonade! Just leave me alone!

Then give us your shoes!

[bumps into a police officer] Officer! You've got to help me. Those kids are chasing me. They're extorting the neighborhood and they physically assaulted me. [shows the police officer his cut]

PPolice Officer

Is this true, kids?

No, sir. We run a lemonade stand and he forgot to pay. We're trying to raise money to get surgery for Dolores.

DDolores

I'm not well, sir.

PPolice Officer

Well, that's just awful. And you were trying to steal lemonade from these sweet little angels? I ought to arrest you right now.