[Dan walks to the store and gets items he needs as he gets ready to call Chris]
Greetings, drone. Any special requests for Thursday? I'm at the store.
Thursday, wh- oh Dan... please don't tell me you forgot.
How could I forget? I love our little Thanksgiving tradition. I'm buying the ingredients to my secret recipe'd, world famous deviled eggs, so there you go. I have forgotten nothing. Thanksgiving is saved. Hurrah and 3 cheers for me!
STOP YELLING AT ME, I'M AT THE STORE! [everyone glares at him] Now look, you've caused a scene. Everything's fine, folks. I've gotten him under control. Go back to consuming. People, huh? No manners these days.
You know we're going to Elise's parents' for Thanksgiving, right?
I can't believe you forgot. I mean I've told you, I don't know, umpteen billion times.
No one has ever told anyone the same thing that many times! Your lies unspool as they spill from your lips, you giant toolbox!
CALM DOWN?! When stupid Elise and her dumb donkey parents are continuing their quest to reprogram you?
What about friendship? What about tradition? What about your bacon wrapped turducken? I may not care for the duck, but the bacon, tur- and -ken are mellifluously delectable.
I'll make it next year, but Dan-
Next year? NEXT YEAR?! [kicks the cart] I'll show you next year. You'd better tell your old lady's parents to make sure they have good insurance!
BECAUSE I'M GONNA BURN THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!!! [gets kicked out of the store]
FAMILY THANKSGIVIIIIIIIIIING!!!
This sucks! We've been in the car for DAYS!
Would've been a lot quicker if SOMEONE wasn't on the no-fly list.
Well... why don't your stupid parents just move closer?
They were going to, and then you tried to frame my dad and almost got him killed by the mafia.
And then a chainsaw slasher.
[everyone is having dinner]
BBen
Why do I have to sit at the kids' table?
There's no room, son. We had to make a space for our guest.
Look who wanted to join us.
Um, sport? Do you really think it's a good idea to have a cat on the table?
Isn't that what Thanksgiving's about? Sharing it with those that we genuinely, truly, honestly care for? Aw, she thinks she's people. Who likes trimmings? You do. You do. Oh look, I see the deviled egg plate is empty. Why don't I go get the rest out of the fridge.
I wouldn't dream of it. Let me.
Remember, one of those eggs needs to be put aside to analyze.
[while looking at the deviled eggs] Your sacrifice will be great, unfertilized non-babies, but it shall not be forgotten. Now, you want my secret so much? Well I'll give it to you.
The grown-ups table always gets first dibs, you silly goose. [he drops off the eggs to the table as Elise's parents get a piece of the deviled eggs and bites it]
[chokes] What is this, poison?!
Apple cider vinegar, to be exact! A whole bottle's worth.
Why?! Why would you do this when we've been nothing but nice to you?
Only for your own nefarious gains.
What are you talking about?!
You only invited me here because you wanted to steal my secret family recipe and then throw me away.
Of course that's the only reason we invited you! Have you ever met you?!
Get out of my house! FINE! And take that mangy furball with you!
It's not mange! She's just not very good at licking herself.
Darn it Don, we were so close.
No more! And if there is no cranberry sauce, so help me I will smother everyone in this house.
[at the end, everyone ends up sleeping at the motel]
Did you know, the actual story of Thanksgiving is a bit darker than what they teach in school. For instance-
Enough! Everyone just go to sleep. Anyone still awake in 5 minutes gets a smothering.
The foot is down. [turns off the light]
Hey guys, you know what I'm thankful for? Friendship.
Now you can't believe everything in this book Mr. Mumbles. Mrs. Claus is still very bitter about the divorce.
And to you, fine sir. Hey, give me some money.
Oh, come on! I'm destitute, and I need to buy a Christmas present for- you know who.
Aw, that's-Hey wait, you never get me anything.
That's not true! Remember last year?
Oh, you mean when you borrowed fifty bucks from me and then gave me a $25 gift card?
Hey, buddy, you're worth it.
And then you never paid me back.
We're going in circles! Listen, I need you to help me help me.
Uh, well, I'm on my way to the mall. They're hiring seasonal employees for Christmas Crossing. You should come.
Don't be stupid. I don't need a job. I need money.
[Dan and Chris are having their interviews for their seasonal job]
[Dan and Chris give the interviewer their resumes]
I demand the role of Santa. To prepare, I spent last night in a chimney.
Ooh. I've already got my Santa. But I do have a couple of jobs I think you gentlemen would be perfect for.
[Dan is dressed up as an elf]
5 minutes, everyone! Magic time!
At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe. [he wears his snowman outfit and goes inside the snowglobe]
Who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.
Get out of my face. I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.
How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa!
I'm confused. I know you're not a child because you have facial hair. But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.
Of course I do! Read your Bible!
Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-
What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to-
Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.
Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-
[stops Dan from attacking Santa Claus] Whoa whoa whoa now. That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St. Nick. You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes!
[pats Dan's head] Ho ho ho, ugly. [he pushes Dan down the path until he lands on the floor]
[angrily walks up to Mall Santa] I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-
Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.
I'm going to- Walk the reindeer.
That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky".
[Dan taps on the glass]
[takes off his snowman head] Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there. I have a massive headache already.
Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.
Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.
That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa. A diplomat, if you will. And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas!
That can't be right. He's Santa!
Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly!
Okay. Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job. I have to buy Christmas presents. And so do you. Remember Mr. Mumbles?
Mr. Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here!
What are you two doing? Breaks every 6 hours, not in between. Back to the happiness mines, people!
Sorry, Dan, can't help you.
Oh. Cheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can!
That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho!
[Dan and Chris are having a lunch break while the Mall Santa]
Ho, ho, ho! [sneezes at Dan's lunch] Oh, excuse me, Stinky.
There will be nothing left but a scrap of red felt and a smoking pair of extra wide boots.
This is so humiliating. They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice. Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.
Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly think less of you. But you might want to put your snowman head back on.
Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.
Chris, that is not in the Christmas spirit! Now come and help me annihilate Santa!
Hurry up, you lout! We're on in 2 minutes!
Why are you hitting your elf? Why are you hitting your elf?
Stop it! [kicks the Mall Santa's stomach]
Hey, good kick. Guess you've been trained in "Elf Defense".
What's that smell? Nutmeg?
You, sir, reek of eggnog! You are a disgrace to the uniform! I demand you resign your post and leave at once, taking nothing with you from the office.
Don't yell at me, little man! I outrank you!
You leave me no choice! [he tries to hit the Mall Santa with a candy cane but fails]
Were you trying to hurt Santa? [he hits Dan with a candy cane]
I'm pretty sure he started it.
[angrily] PERJURY! He was
Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again. I am very disappointed in all of you.
Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.
YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.
Now back to work. And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.
I've got something to do. Can you two get along for 20 minutes? If not, I can fire you.
[Dan runs up to pick up the bag from the present while the Mall Santa gets his sandwich out]
Hey Stinky, you're not on break.
He's not so bad, you know. He just takes Christmas very seriously.
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa!
It's a long story... When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
That wasn't a long story. And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career. It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl?
[Dan is digging a pile of snow and sees everyone at the mall, while a dart shoots at the tree as Elise would be shocked wondering who's inside the snowman outfit, Elise would throw the shuriken to the snowglobe as Chris screams, then she vanishes]
Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Who is in the snowman costume?! Tell me!
I don't know, okay? It's just some guy. Some guy I don't know.
[laughs] Oh, it's gonna be awesome. See, the Mall Santa
I don't care. Never mind.
[the lights turn off as the mall closes]
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today, people! Except for you, Snowman. You were phoning it in. Get out of my snow globe.
[gets out of his snowman outfit] Oh thank goodness. It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on. Hey, want to see something cool?
Check out the gingerbread house.
No, no. Look closer. Go on. There's eggnog over there.
Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it?
No! Wait! [she steps on Dan's trap as candy canes would attaack her]
[Chris and Dan are driving home from work]
I can't believe I got fired! What happened to "Peace on Earth and good will towards- Whatever.
You almost killed our boss.
Since when is that grounds for dismissal?! And I think "killed" is an overstatement. The odds of one of those candy cane spikes penetrating deep enough to hit a vital organ is like a million to one.
Yeah, she really overreacted.
All I wanted to do was buy a present for Mr. Mumbles. That's all. And maybe give the Mall Santa blood poisoning stemming from extreme peppermint exposure. Is that so wrong?
The first part sounded okay. Look, Dan, I think we can get your job back. But you need to decide what's more important: buying a present for Mr. Mumbles, who loves you unconditionally, or exacting petty revenge on the Mall Santa.
Mmm, I'm leaning "Mall Santa."
There's the Christmas spirit!
Let me help you with that.
JJennifer
That's right, yeah- just got here from Iowa. I'm Jennifer, this is Jason.
[opens the door as he whispers] Chris! Chris! Don't talk to them! They're evil! Eeeevillll!
JJason
Not officially, no. Hi, there! I'm-
[Dan closes the door in front of him]
Well, good luck living next to Dan. And I really mean that.
[Dan opens the door and drags Chris inside his apartment]
What do you think you were doing?
I think I was meeting your neighbors, who seem very nice.
You know I really enjoy these little talks of ours, Dan.
Can't you see they're up to something?
Up to something? B-Because-
They're always smiling. And, they insist on saying "Hello" every single time I see them!
Well, I hope you've notified the police.
[angry and flustered] I'll notify them that missing person when your body turns up in-
Let's go. The movie starts soon.
Okay, the coast is clear. Now here's how we roll: Head down, eyes front. Make a beeline for the car. Go! Go! Go! Ahh!
JJason
[opens the door] Dan, right? You play basketball? I was thinking about-
Basketball is for communists.
JJennifer
We baked this pie for you. It's banana cream.
JJason
You know, Jennifer also makes the world's best meat pie, if you're interested.
JJennifer
It helps that Jason's a butcher.
[Dan throws the pie away]
What? It slipped. Besides, I can't eat dairy.
JJennifer
Oh. Ok. Well. I guess we'll see you soon neighbor.
My car! Look at what they did!
Dan, you were the one who-
[Dan opens the door and sees Jason, he tries to close the door but Jason puts his shoe blocking the door]
You leave me alone! I spent all day rolling around in noxious chemicals, so I'd taste terrible!
JJason
Uh. Okay. I came over here because my wife saw a prowler outside the window today.
So? What makes you think I had anything to do with that? You can't come over here and accuse me, I have lawyers!
JJason
I was actually letting you know that we're having security bars installed on our windows.
JJason
They're running a 2-for-1 special at the security store, so we'll be having them installed on our windows, too! [Dan slams the door and hears him from outside] No thanks necessary!
