[Dan is kicking Chris' seat at the car]
All this driving is making me sleepy. Dan! Stop, kicking my seat all right?
Dan. [speaking gibberish]
EliseSomething on your mind, Dan?
How come she gets to sit in the front seat?
That's not fair! This is madness! What is she even doing here?
Elise
You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico, Dan.
[Elise has a flashback of her being a little kid at New Mexico, road runners are surrounding her, taking away her cotton candy, and a cactus popping her balloon]
Little Elise
My cotton candy! NEW MEXICOOOO!!!
[Elise's flashback ends]
Hello? I asked what it did to you?
Elise
I don't want to talk about it.
You can't say something like that and not follow up. Chris, back me up on this. Chris!
[Chris is sleeping on the driver's seat and Elise steers the wheel as vehicles drive by]
[while Dan helps him open his eyes] This is not necessary.
Come on, we're in the desert. My eyes are drying out.
Elise
Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, Okay, I've got the granola, some fruit, a 6 pack of fennel juice, and Dan's peanut brittle.
Did he give you money for that?
Elise
No, but don't worry. I have enough.
I got chips, some crunchy Cheese Wads, some chewy Cheese Wads, chocolate soda-
Elise
Chris.
Some fizzle sticks, Cocoa Blasters.
Elise
Chris, remember what we talked about?
Elise
About eating healthier.
Oh, it doesn't count if we're on a road trip. Does it?
Elise
It does.
Oh. Alright. Alright, then I'll only get one thing.
Elise
Thank you. I only worry about your health because I love--
Yes! Milk shake machine! I choose milk shakes
Elise
Okay.
Elise
Chris.
It's still one thing if the cookies are inside the milk shake.
Elise
Okay, but we're having salad for dinner.
...Dan said we were having burgers.
Elise
If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you? [Chris thinks about it] Chris!
[stammers] I mean, it depends.
Elise
Don't jump off a cliff!
Well, I wasn't planning on it.
Elise
But if Dan jumped, you would? [Chris thinks about it] CHRIS!
Breakfast time, one of the most wonderful times- [he notices Dan searching for something in the refrigerator] Morning, Dan.
I was attacked by a ninja last night. Make me some pancakes.
Are you- Are you sure it was a ninja?
Of course, he stole my cookies and exploded my lactose-free milk.
But how - How did you know it was a -
I'm in pajamas, does that make me a ninja?
Not feety pajamas, ninja pajamas! Plus, I didn't see him. Ergo - ninja.
If you didn't see him how do you know he was in pajamas? [Dan pushes a plate off the table breaking it] Hey, not cool!
What's not cool is that you're trying to confound me with your stupid logic, when what I need is help with a problem!
I don't break your plates.
Elise
[walking into kitchen] Do I smell pancakes?
Elise
Hi Dan, you're up early.
I was attacked by a ninja last night, he stole my cookies.
Elise
I'm sure it wasn't a ninja.
You too?! If it wasn't a ninja where did I get THIS? [he throws the shuriken, it gets stuck in the table]
Now tell me it's not a ninja.
Elise
The Koshugi clan. But how did they find me?
Elise
[closing the blinds and locking the door] Uh... Nothing! I- um, I have to go. Dan, we'll help you with the problem.
Finally, a voice of reason. Why can't you be helpful, like her?
What?! I'm always helping-
Elise
It's probably a good idea if you guys wait here. With the doors locked and the shades dropped. And don't answer the door. For ANYONE. [she walks out carrying a baseball bat]
Did you notice anything strange right there?
You mean that I still have no pancakes in front of me?
No, Elise was acting funny.
I told you not to get married.
Elise
Okay, come out and let us take a look.
I don't know about this. [he comes out of changing room dressed up as Dan]
Oh, come on! He doesn't look like me a all.
Elise
can you slouch a little?
I- I still don't get why I'm dressing up as Dan.
We told you, you're a Dan-decoy.
Elise
To lure the ninja out of hiding. When he attacks you-
Okay, there's the part I don't like.
We can't risk me, can we? I'm precious.
Well then I'm expendable?
Let's just say non-vital, it's nicer.
Elise
No, it's not that you're expendable, Chris, it's that the next step will be for the ninja to poison Dan somehow.
And we're hoping he poisons you instead!
I keep coming back to this not liking this plan at all thing.
Elise
Look, we don't know how the ninja will try and poison Dan. Maybe his food, maybe something else, but what we do know is that ninjas calibrate their poisons very carefully and you're bigger than Dan!
Elise
So if the ninja poisons you instead you probably won't die!
And you just said probably.
Elise
I'm almost positive.
Oh, she's almost positive, quit being a baby.
Elise
Please?
Elise
Now act like Dan!
Sigh. Hey, I'm Dan! And I'm... angry. Very angry.
Elise
Dan, shh.
He's doing it wrong! I am much more suave, debonair and sophisticated than that!
Elise
Yes Dan, that's a very debonair stain you have on your shirt.
I'll have you know I have sophistication coming out the wazoo!
I get mad at everything! Then I yell a lot. And I sure don't appreciate my friend, Chris. He's a- Ow! [he is shot in the neck with a dart]
Get him! [Dan and Elise start chasing after the ninja]
Hey! C- Can I get a little help, I got this dart in my neck. Ow! [he pulls out the dart and starts hallucinating] Flying monkeys? This time of year? [he runs through family's picnic basket] Someone, call the zoo! Why must you torment me? Why can't you be satisfied with flying? Help! Someone! This is very confusing.
[Dan and Elise are carrying Chris to the house]
Aw, man, this guy's heavy.
You ever think of skipping a meal once in a while?
Elise
Quit complaining, Dan.
Oh, sure, you can say that. You've got the light end.
Elise
Chris doesn't have a light end. Hold him up so I can open the door.
Elise
What's this?
What's what? [throws Chris to the bushes]
Elise
[reading a note attached to the door] "Shinobi no mono wa kanarasu katsu."
It's gibberish! The ninja's toying with us!
Elise
It's not gibberish, it's Japanese. This is a formal challenge.
Like who looks better in evening wear?
Elise
Like single combat to the death.
Elise
A duel will settle things once and for all. If I win, the Koshugi clan will leave us alone. If I lose, I'll be dead.
I'm willing to take that risk.
Elise
Help me get Chris inside. Where's Chris?
[Chris stumbles through the front door wearing an hospital gown]
Elise
Where have you been?
Hospital. Hey, do I smell cookies?
Elise
Dan, let him have a cookie.
Fine. [muttering] Bet you're not so tough without that sword.
Elise
He's the ninja.
Aah! No more flying monkeys, please.
NNinja
Former ninja. You can call me Dave.
[Dan is having a phone call with Elise]
Elise
[at home] Hello?
It's Dan. I've got some good news and some bad news.
Elise
Is Chris with you?
Chris isn't really with us anymore. He's dead.
Elise
WHAT?
Well, not dead, but poisoned.
Elise
POISONED?!
But the hospital thinks he has a broken arm.
Elise
You're not making any sense!
Yes, I really should have planned out what I'd say before I called you.
Elise
Is Chris okay?
No, he's dead. I mean, no, he's not.
Elise
Where are you?
Elise
And where is Chris?
I don't know. They took him. Down the hall somewhere, I think.
Elise
[pops the stress toy and angrily panics quietly] Are you at the hospital?
Of course! What have I been saying this whole time?
Elise
[angrily] I'll be there in 5 minutes, and I am not happy!
Like I am? [ends the phone call]
[Dan and Elise are at a room at the hospital with Chris]
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
Elise
Say beep one more time.
Elise
[punches Dan] Be serious! He still hasn't woken up!
Oh, he's fine. They said they got most of the poison out. He's in a better place now.
Elise
Better place? He's in a hospital. This is pretty much the worst place you can be!
I would think shark tank.
Elise
Dan!
Well, whose fault is this anyway?
Elise
Yours!
No way. Listen, if you walk into somebody's house and you see a meat loaf on the counter, do you just dig right in? He didn't even ask.
Elise
You know Chris is on the see-food diet.
That's no excuse for monkey wrenching my plans. Also, meatloaf isn't seafood. [pause] Oh, seafood. I get it. It's a good thing you still have a sense of humor even though Chris is dead. Dying. Poisoned. Whatever. He's fine.
Elise
I am going to get some tea. DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING! [leaves]
Finally. Do you want to tag along on my revenge? Yes, I do. Do you want to pay for everything with your credit cards? I don't know. Oh, come on. We'll have a blast. Well, all right. Can I get a milk shake later? Of course you can, buddy. [he steals a patient's clothes and puts it on Chris] This is the 3rd most uncomfortable thing I've had to do all week. [cut to him with Chris in a wheelchair] Doctor.
[Dan arrives at Burgerphile with a poisoned Chris]
Welcome to Burgerphile, home of the world-famous burger bowl.
World-famous? Whatever you say, sweetness. Get me a plain burger, small cola, and a milkshake for my friend here. That's a plain burger, no cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant. You put cheese on my burger, I will die, You put cheese on my burger, I will die, but not before I burn this place to the ground!
Keep the change, pumpkin. You're okay, buddy. [at the table] Ketchup, the one true condiment. Here's your milk shake, slugger. "Thanks, Dan. You're my best friend." I know. "l love you." Um I feel somewhat warmly towards you, but to be honest, this conversation's making me uncomfortable. [his phone rings] Thank goodness. It's Elise. I'll get it. Yello.
Elise
Where have you taken Chris? Somebody stole him from the hospital.
And you just assume it was me.
Elise
I saw the security tapes! You also took our car!
Possession is 9-10ths of the law, I'll have you know. Technically Chris is mine now.
Elise
Bring him back to the hospital this instant! He needs medical care!
Bring him back? Why? We're having a great time. Sure, he's a little pale and his breathing's shallow, but he's fine. Plus he's going to help me blow up-- I mean, run some errands. I can drop him off when we're done.
Elise
Bring him back now, Dan!
What's that? You're breaking up! Crackle! Crackle! Buzz!
Elise
You're not even making the noises. You're just saying crackle and buzz.
Crackle! Buzz! [hangs up the phone] Revenge is hard enough without these stupid distractions. [when Dan's phone rings again, he throws it off, and drinks Chris' milkshake] Oh, no. [shocked] Chris, why did you let me drink your milk shake? [he goes out of Burgerphile with Chris tied in a dolly] I've got to get to my medicine. Come on. [he feels pain in his stomach as Chris rolls off] Curse you, Burgerphile! You're going on the list.
[arrives at his apartment with Chris in a dolly] Medicine. Need my medicine. Man. I need to vacuum. Of course. Stay here. I'm going to run to the drugstore.
Elise
[hits the door on Dan as she arrives to pick him up from Dan's apartment] Oh, Chris. [angrily] Dan! You have 3 seconds to explain yourself!
We got dynamite. Okay, just don't jostle me or anything. My guts are killing me. [Elise punches him] Ohh! My guts. [Elise takes Chris out while he is on the floor] Hello, floor. You and I are going to be spending some time together. Ah, yes. Great. More barking. There's the icing on my awfulness cake.
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he's at the park with Elise]
Get over here right now. We're going to war with Canada. [falls to the floor sticky as a split screen closes]
Elise
What's going on with Dan? Did he say something about syrup?
Yes. He's covered in it. Now he wants revenge on Canada.
Elise
Oh, that Dan.
Always covered in something.
[at the end, Dan and Chris end up getting sick after they came home from Canada during an avalanche]
Elise
[checks Chris' temp] Oh, 102.
[on the phone, sick] Chris, get over here. Make me some soup.
Elise
Telemarketer. I'm going to get you some more tea.
[after Chris hung up on him] Chicken noodle. Maybe some beef broth. Hello?
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he is with Elise at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.
Elise
Yes, Dan.
You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]
Dan Vs. · 241 quotes
